Jax with his bday present - lasers from Mathilde

{Currently} Lately, I have been feeling like I'm on a roller coaster (but you should know that I like roller coasters).

One minute, I feel like the decision on quitting my desk job (did I just say that "out loud" over the internets?!) is the most effed up thing I can do to my family. And I let my fear overtake my wild, worst case scenario thinking mind and I begin to hyper ventilate. It's that part of the roller coaster ride that is not so great..

Then the next minute, because of something that may seem small yet is so significant, like a text from a midwife where I documented a birth, thanking me for being there and documenting her client's journey and that she would definitely refer me. That she would like to use my images on her website with photo credit. Then being accepted to an exclusive stock photo agency, and getting more photography inquiries...it goes on. The feeling of these, one after another is like that wonderful feeling of a roller coaster ride. Where you scream at the top of your lungs out of pure exhilaration..It's that push, that sign from the universe (or so I tell myself) that tells me - this is the right thing to do. This is the path you need to follow.

Then I get hit again with the horrible feeling, gut wrenching feeling of when you look at your bank account and know what bills will be coming and thinking - are we going to be able to cover that? It is a sinking feeling. A terrible deflated feeling. I look at my kids and am so glad they don't have to know any of this. And then I think back to my own childhood and think: wow, this is probably what my parents were going through...and then I understand them more, and feel closer to them more than I ever did. And I also feel totally terrible knowing how much of a brat I was..sorry parents!

Anyway...there are going to be a lot of changes in the coming weeks and months, so I hope those of you who are still around, will stick around to follow along on this journey of mine.

Until next time...here is a throwback from the past:

Jax, only a few days old!

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Currently, I am up to some experimenting. I asked Charlie to be my guinea pig to test out some flash experiments(I asked him to pretend he was dancing - since that is the time I want to use flash- during the dancing portion at wedding receptions). Better to test it out on a non-paying client, right?!  While I love to play with the available light and am definitely comfortable with low light situations with no flash (like births and some church ceremonies where flash is restricted), I would really like to be decent with using flash (ok, so I would really like to master it!). I haven't yet had the guts to play or push my flash capabilities. After talking with Lech (of Lech Photo, one of the main photographers I have had the incredible opportunity to second shoot with and hope to continue to) he said to go on and practice at home...not sure why I hadn't tried it at home before (duh!). And so I did..the above was just the first few minutes of my experiments (mwuaahhahahahaha..sorry, when I think of experiments I think of mad scientist stuff) and then Charlie was kind of over it and was tired since he had just finished a game of softball with his league..I'll have to get my kids involved for the next flash experiment..I like the whole ambient light showing motion kind of thing..I'm not one for straight on looking flash images, so the above definitely fits my aesthetic - definitely not traditional.

So yeah, I know I haven't written much here lately and said anything more about my journey as a full fledged photographer. In all honesty, I am still in the thick of all my luck and fortune with it and feel so so so very blessed and fortunate and just flabbergasted really. Not to say that a lot of hard work hasn't been involved and a lot of support, especially from the goofy guy pictured above.

I could not have imagined where I am right now, a year ago. I pinch myself and think - good gawd woman, is this real? Is this really happening? I truly, and honestly owe it to my mom and from dealing with a tragedy if anything. Losing my mom has transformed me in so many ways. In ways I could have never imagined. I grew so much from the loss (and continue to). I have learned so much from my grief (and continue to). Because I feel as though my mom was not able to speak up for herself in order to make others happy, I have chosen to not be silent and to always speak up when I can and definitely when I should, even if it makes me feel uncomfortable. It's not always the easiest thing. I don't actually do it that much at my day job but definitely more so than usual. But in other aspects of my life? Definitely. I would rather speak up - for myself, for others - then to hold on to that regret, continue to wonder and or continue to complain and put blame on others for that regret. I am a much happier, less uncomfortable person because of it - and also a better person, a better wife, and a better mother. It's not always easy and it still doesn't come naturally but my gut tells me more so than before to not stay silent. 

This month marks the 4 year anniversary of mother's death. I miss her oh so much and I feel her each day (in fact, just as I typed that - something in the room just settled into place and made a lot of noise..hmmm, yes, I believe in those sort of things) - she is the reason, I am who I am today. And the reason that I am able to make my dreams a reality, because she pushes me to aim high..just like she had when she was here on this earth. 

I love you mom..I miss you.

Anyway...until next time folks! In case you wanted to see what else I was up to in the photo world, take a peek at my other blog. If you have any questions for me regarding photography, or the business of it, go ahead and leave me a comment or message me. I am very open to how I have gotten to where I am at with my photography and not that I have gotten very far yet (or know everything or anything, because it's always an ever growing learning process!) but still - I'd love to give back just as much that I was given, besides this industry doesn't always accept people with open arms, or so I hear a lot at least from those starting out. Which is why my journey is sometimes baffling to me. I am ever so thankful to the established photographers who have given me a chance, answered my out of nowhere emails and let me work beside them! So please, drop me a line if you have time I'd really love to hear from you..THANKS!

 Also, this is part of a link up, so go check out what other awesome people are up to and join in on the conversation:

Hi Everyone,

Sorry for being a little MIA recently, but I did warn you guys about me posting sporadically this month - hey, it's the holidays! - anyway..I've been quite sick lately, damn kids ;) both my kids infected me - but hey that's nothing new, right?

So what have I been up to? Lately, I've been trying to pursue my more creative side, still not making a buck with it but you know, it doesn't matter because I love doing it. Part of the reason why I love it so much - is helping people and making people happy - helping people with their web design, their small business, answering an html, blogger or wordpress question - I just love it. I've also found my way back to one of my original loves - photography. Getting that DSLR camera did wonders and I found myself loving the whole process, being behind the camera, and seeing the natural beauty & quirks everywhere. I even got to do some maternity photos (my first!) for a friend and also just take some photos of their family being a family...

Anyway - here are some photos from the "shoot":

What do you think? There were over 500 shots that night! There were lots of lovely maternity ones and I'm actually still in the middle of processing & editing them all. The lovely mama has herself a blog too - you can visit here, or just go to my blog love section.

Ok, I'm really going to try and sleep before midnight tonight. I've been burning the midnight oil much too much these days and really need to unglue myself from the computer (editing, website design, reading blogs, I mean..working..ahem)

What are you all up to? It's been awhile...Hope you are all still stickin' around, and thank you if you
are :)

Currently, I am..

reading Bossypants by Tina Fey, well I'm trying to read it. So far I've only been able to read it on one of our road trips down to LA. I miss reading, like actually being able to read a few pages of a book, quietly. I will settle for a few paragraphs these days.

listening to Charlie watch dvr'd episodes without me. If I'm not mistaken, he's watching the next iron chef..

hating the feeling of being kicked while already down. We just never seem to get ahead and when we sort of do, some other unexpected mess gets thrown in the mix. But yes, we survive, we get over it - with a lot of help from family sometimes.

laughing at my kiddos' silliness and reminiscing on how little Jax used to be. He is such a boy these days.

ignoring the mess that is found in every room of our house. The other day I enjoyed reading a few pages of a magazine (I have like 4 unread magazines laying about) while I let the kids wreck havoc and play by themselves. All that mess, even though it's been a couple of days and it's starting to get at me, was totally worth it. I actually felt like a human being, not that being a mom isn't human it's just tiring and I needed a few minutes of being a non-self sacrificing human.

Currently, Jax is..

reading a few books - Goodnight, Goodnight Construction Site,  If You Give a Pig a Pancake (the whole series actually) & Inch by Inch are on heavy rotation these days.

listening to his own Zzzzz...hopefully he's asleep now (after a long, drawn out hour and a half battle)

hating bedtime (battles I tell ya, battles! But how do you deny one more hug, or one more kiss and the I love yous, huh? tell me!?) - he would rather stay up and watch tv with us (because when he goes to bed is the only time we watch the tv) or play some more or anything but go to sleep.

laughing, always laughing. He has always been a silly little goofball.

ignoring our little talks or rather not remembering what it was we just talked about. Like, being nice and gentle - not just today but everyday. Listening to Mommy or Daddy when we've asked nicely, etc..and ignoring our pleas of not taking. every. single. toy that Raima decides to play with.

What are you currently up to? You don't have to follow this theme, you can create your own, just make sure you link up and let us know what your are up to here.

Next week's theme is: Wearing, Playing, Baking, Making, Singing

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So, I will probably post more sporadically these days. I have a few freelance design work (yippee - not paid but it's good to have under my belt) and I've started to feel as though I'm not blogging for me anymore and have been more concerned with the blogging competition. Reading this and this, sort of brought to light what I had already been feeling and I don't like that feeling. Don't get me wrong, I love you guys, but I feel like I am a better blogger/writer when I write for me and keep myself honest, which in turn I hope you like better. Truth is though, I do need to maintain sponsorships and review opportunities open because every little bit does help (and I have contracts). Mostly it helps to maintain this blog and thus my sanity. I spend hours upon hours on this lovely space, and it's great that people like it enough to stick around and read along (thank you!). I think my original blog (though juvenile and ridiculous on some posts - but hey, I was young - had much more of a voice, albeit a young and naive voice) had that openness to it because I really didn't think anyone was reading and when I found out people did, I know it changed a little but I was always true to myself and now, I sometimes feel like I'm holding my tongue. I need to find my voice again. I don't know..I'm all up in my head these days. So, excuse my mess.

Welcome to another week of the Currently Link up posts! This weeks theme is Making, Thinking, Loving, Cooking & Dreaming.. So come on, join us and link up what you are currently up to! (psst..you don't have to follow this theme, you can just share whatever it is that you are currently up to)

Currently I am...

Making .. a list in my head of what to pack and NOT forget this time around (like the kids suitcase with all their clothes in it!) on our trip back down to LA.

Thinking.. about a whole lotta stuff. My brain is constantly overloaded with stuff that I am having some difficulty sleeping lately. I am thinking about how I will be able to overcome my fears of public speaking this Saturday as I do one of the first readings at my grandfather's funeral.

Loving.. the fact that I have to turn on the heater, is that weird? I love the sound it makes, and the ever so faint smell of the heater too. Ok, that's probably weird. (What? You didn't know that about me? I'm pretty weird) I love that the cold makes it even better for snuggles and being cozy. Hot chocolates, I love those too. With little marshmallows. I guess this time of year, I really think about my childhood and being a kid.


Cooking..a tortilla de patatas  - well, Charlie will be cooking this tonight. It's one of our go to road trip food items to pack (as well as a go to potluck item). Because it can be eaten with one hand, doesn't have to be warm and the kids like it. (This is the recipe that Charlie adapted his from, but it's in Spanish. He has since made it so that he only uses very little oil. but there is also this recipe from Smitten Kitchen - haven't tried it but I use her site a lot)

Dreaming.. fantasizing really, of making the transition from working for someone to working for myself or dreaming about this opportunity I have to take over an already established business and making it my own, and having it grow, get better and so on. Sigh...oh dreams..

Now it's your turn, what are you currently up to?

Next weeks theme is: reading, listening to, hating, laughing, ignoring

Ps. There will be a guest post tomorrow and possibly Saturday (if you want to guest post - message me!) as we will be spending time with family for my grandfather's memorial services. If I do have time or am compelled to write or share something during this time, I'll post! See you all on Monday :)

This weeks themes: (inspired by the letter W....for no specific reason) Watching, Wishing, Waiting, Wondering, Worrying. You don't have to follow this theme if you link up to share what are you currently up to. Visit over here or here, and link up and see what everyone else is currently up to. You'd be surprised (or not) how much we all have in common.

Jax is currently..

Watching..too much "tv" due to our road trip. For the drive down and back up - he got to watch a movie. He also watched a couple of shows while we all gathered after my grandfather's death and tried to celebrate Thanksgiving and discuss some adult matters.

Wishing..and hoping and thinking and praying, planning and dreaming...that song just popped into my head. Sorry.

Waiting.. for nothing in particular - as he should be fast asleep by now. Seeing how it is, once again past midnight.

Wondering..always wondering and asking questions because of his wonderment. I love catching him talking to himself or going off on a tangent over explaining "stuff" when he's asked the same question - why?

Worrying..about nothing, I hope!

I am currently..

Watching not enough TV. I think I need to check our DVR and see if it's full and not actually recording shows anymore.

Wishing..that this woman finds/receives her hat back..because it is much more than just a hat. 

Waiting..for a storm to come. It's supposed to rain for like ever, I mean, like a week straight. It did rain today and it was super windy but not as bad as it was made out to be.

Wondering..about a lot of things. Hindsight is 20/20 as they say..

Worrying..about what's in store for us financially, but what's new? December & January are our hardest months. What with Charlie's work/school being on vacation which means no second source of income and I haven't had a bonus in over 4 or 5 years (heck I can't even remember). But, we always seem to manage. We have a roof over our heads, clothes on our backs and food on the table. We are truly blessed. So, I won't complain (much).

This week's theme is: HOPING, ENJOYING, INSPIRED BY, LISTENING TO, CRAVING (by the way, you don't have to follow this theme, you can just share what you or your kiddos, or your family is currently up to).

Currently..I am:

Hoping that my grandfather pulls thru and recovers. I visited him at the hospital as soon as we could when we arrived in LA. I cried, but everyone assured me that he looks so much better these days and that he is somewhat coherent. I held his hands, kissed his forehead and just tried to be calm and not let all my thoughts collide with each other.

Enjoying this time I have with my family. It's the reason why I love the holidays. For some reason, being with them has me realize how much I miss them so. And then of course, after awhile, well you know..I'm ready for our home life back in Oakland.

Inspired by some posts in the blogging community for varying reasons. Like here and here and here..Oh I could go on!

Listening (in my head) to a David Bowie song (from my playlist the other day).

Craving (and looking forward to) all the comfort food that comes with this holiday season. Except that it will be at a restaurant :(


What are you all currently up to? Come share and link up here. I'd really like to know! (Cause I'm nosey like that!)

So, I hope you all try and link up too or if you don't have a blog, simply comment and let me know what you are up to. THANKS!

Raima is...

Reading.. *The Very Hungry Caterpillar. The classic book by Eric Carle. She likes sticking her finger in the little holes and turning pages and of course pointing.

Wishing.. that we would just let her walk back and forth (and back and forth) pushing her shopping cart (that used to be her brother's) all day (and thru the night) long.

Cooking.. play food (and other crap) in their play microwave.

Thankful..that she wasn't totally hurt today. She had a little spill and got a pretty nasty scrape. ON HER HEAD! She was at her daycare on a trip back from the park when it happened. It seems like Raima was able to unbuckle herself from the stroller. She has been fascinated by buckles and clasps and lids and is pretty good at getting things open and undone, apparently. (She is totally fine by the way. Though the scrape looks pretty nasty) - I'm just thankful she didn't hit her head or worse.(I don't even want to think about it.)

Currently I am..

Reading.. *Blog, Inc. - It was one of the gifts from my birthday (thank you). And actually some time tomorrow (Thursday 11/15) there will be a live chat about it here, if you want to check it out. My favorite part of the book is reading the interviews of established bloggers. It's nice to fantasize about being a successful and established blogger like the author or this mama, or this other mama. But with it takes a lot of work and time, and I don't think new bloggers realize this (ok, maybe they do). I think, as I did (do), we fantasize about the glamorous parts and not so much about the "actual" stuff, like the late nights and the constant thinking of and working on the blog. Since I have another (once full time) job, working on the blog is another full time job that I have to accomplish among everything else. But it's something that I truly enjoy. I like to (over) share my life and my mess (ups). I have a pretty good routine now and it usually involves Raima nursing to sleep on my lap (exactly as it is now) while I write out my thoughts and schedule posts. I still manage to spend at least 4-5 hours every night on my blog. But, I'm looking forward to my Mondays off to accomplish so much more and use my evenings to hang out with my husband instead (we have a very full dvr to get thru).

(you can go here to see the recorded "live" chat)

Wishing.. that I will find/get a new job. One that pays better or at least the same (there I go settling again) has great benefits and not just health, vision and or dental ones, but the benefits that come with working for a good sustainable company. One that builds relationships and connections rather than burn bridges. A company that I can standby and be proud to be a part of..is that too much to ask? (don't answer that)

Cooking.. lots of easy stuff, like fritattas for dinner, soups and homemade pizzas. Although, I did just roast a whole chicken last night (at like 8:50 PM!) because of a facebook post! The post reminded me that I had a thawed a whole chicken a couple of days ago, and that I probably should do something with it..I'm having it for lunch today but I'm a bit bummed that I didn't have the chance to make a gravy and some stuffing. What? too early for Thanksgiving fixins? I think not!

Thankful.. that despite all the mess that is happening in our lives right now (family in the hospital, reduced work hours, bills, etc) that my spirits are up.  That I continue to have faith and hold onto a strong desire to accomplish so much more than these negative things in my life. I am very thankful for all that I have..family, friends..and you guys (for serious).

Next weeks themes: Hoping, Enjoying, Inspired by, Listening to, Craving... 

So, tell me, what are you currently up to? Link up to these wonderful other blogs here:

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neighborhood watchin'

playing (nicely, which lasted for like 5 mins) in their room

writing in his bedtime journal - part of our bedtime routine

Like a "boss"!

Hi Everyone, it's that time of week again to link up for the Currently posts. Hopefully, you guys are also linking up and checking out the other lovely bloggers who link up each and every week!

Currently I am...

anticipating the arrival of my family for Thanksgiving and all the shopping I will need to do sooner rather than later. I guess I need to get to menu planning too!

buying a new portrait lens for my dslr, since I found a pretty good deal on a refurbished (yes, I'm all about used/refurbished!) one - a 50mm f/1.8G lens. I'm hoping to use it a lot during this holiday season.

needing a vacation. I just requested a few days off for the week of Christmas and I hope it gets approved!

thinking about my grandfather who is still at the hospital. He was doing better yesterday and the last update I received today was that he's gotten worse and not better. He goes thru dialysis treatments and recently had a hard time breathing and had fluid built up in his lungs. He is also not very coherent and is somewhat confused when you are able to speak to him. I hope and pray that he gets better and that my grandmother is doing well under the circumstances.

ignoring the heaviness of the above and the colder tempatures..I need to stop being a scrooge and just turn the heater on!

Next weeks themes: Reading, Wishing, Cooking, Thankful, Loving... 

What are you all currently up to? Please link up and join the lovely hosts (& sponsors) at:

I am loving my new (to me - it's refurbished) DSLR. I have wanted a DSLR for a long time but I could never justify the purchase. But turning 35 was enough justification for me this time around. Plus I figure if I'm going to be serious about this blog, than using my iphone for photos is just not good enough.  So, I went for it. You know, I used to study photography back in college - before digital was the craze. I have always loved photography. We actually have a pretty good collection of SLR cameras around here (some were passed down from family), plus a few polaroid ones. One of my fantasy jobs was to become a photojournalist at the time, so I took a lot of photography classes.

I am looking forward to Thanksgiving. My Dad and siblings have decided to come up here to spend it with us. Usually we make the 400 mile drive to visit both sides of our families (which means A LOT of driving. For Charlie.) but this year, since we have been driving down almost every month since like June, we decided that (well our pocket book did) we would spend Thanksgiving here and just drive down for Christmas instead. We've decided to fry the turkey this year - it will be our first time..any tips, if you've fried your turkey before? As in how to not cause a fire or an oil filled, only partially cooked bird?

I am cooking less because lately Raima's daycare provider has been graciously having us stay for dinner (WHAT?! I know, right?! ). She makes us all sorts of yummy goodness like albondigas soup (meatballs soup) and Mexican red posole (pork & hominy stew). This has been such a lifesaver for me (except Charlie has to fend for himself when he gets home!) and I hope to find a way to express my gratitude to her. She recently suffered a loss (her sister in law passed away) and is actually closed tomorrow and Friday so she can go and attend the services in Southern California.

I am catching whatever my kids have caught at their daycares respectively. Raima has a slight cold and Jax is starting to sound as though he's coming down with something too. Maybe  it's the change in weather? Last weekend it was HOT - even in SF! and then these past few days? COLD..gray, and gloomy - typical Bay Area weather though.

I am missing my mom...

Raima is currently loving to still crawl, even though she can walk. I guess she gets around faster that way and gives her less chances of being shoved by her brother. Raima is looking to nurse as she sits on my lap as I type this...

Jax is cooking up all sorts of mischief. He didn't want to dress in costume on Halloween but loved running around the house in his cape and mask for the weeks leading up to Halloween!

What are you currently up to? Link up and visit these other wonderful people here:
Next week's theme will be: Anticipating, Buying, Needing, Thinking, Ignoring...