Please click on the images for a larger view!

Currently, I am up to some experimenting. I asked Charlie to be my guinea pig to test out some flash experiments(I asked him to pretend he was dancing - since that is the time I want to use flash- during the dancing portion at wedding receptions). Better to test it out on a non-paying client, right?!  While I love to play with the available light and am definitely comfortable with low light situations with no flash (like births and some church ceremonies where flash is restricted), I would really like to be decent with using flash (ok, so I would really like to master it!). I haven't yet had the guts to play or push my flash capabilities. After talking with Lech (of Lech Photo, one of the main photographers I have had the incredible opportunity to second shoot with and hope to continue to) he said to go on and practice at home...not sure why I hadn't tried it at home before (duh!). And so I did..the above was just the first few minutes of my experiments (mwuaahhahahahaha..sorry, when I think of experiments I think of mad scientist stuff) and then Charlie was kind of over it and was tired since he had just finished a game of softball with his league..I'll have to get my kids involved for the next flash experiment..I like the whole ambient light showing motion kind of thing..I'm not one for straight on looking flash images, so the above definitely fits my aesthetic - definitely not traditional.

So yeah, I know I haven't written much here lately and said anything more about my journey as a full fledged photographer. In all honesty, I am still in the thick of all my luck and fortune with it and feel so so so very blessed and fortunate and just flabbergasted really. Not to say that a lot of hard work hasn't been involved and a lot of support, especially from the goofy guy pictured above.

I could not have imagined where I am right now, a year ago. I pinch myself and think - good gawd woman, is this real? Is this really happening? I truly, and honestly owe it to my mom and from dealing with a tragedy if anything. Losing my mom has transformed me in so many ways. In ways I could have never imagined. I grew so much from the loss (and continue to). I have learned so much from my grief (and continue to). Because I feel as though my mom was not able to speak up for herself in order to make others happy, I have chosen to not be silent and to always speak up when I can and definitely when I should, even if it makes me feel uncomfortable. It's not always the easiest thing. I don't actually do it that much at my day job but definitely more so than usual. But in other aspects of my life? Definitely. I would rather speak up - for myself, for others - then to hold on to that regret, continue to wonder and or continue to complain and put blame on others for that regret. I am a much happier, less uncomfortable person because of it - and also a better person, a better wife, and a better mother. It's not always easy and it still doesn't come naturally but my gut tells me more so than before to not stay silent. 

This month marks the 4 year anniversary of mother's death. I miss her oh so much and I feel her each day (in fact, just as I typed that - something in the room just settled into place and made a lot of noise..hmmm, yes, I believe in those sort of things) - she is the reason, I am who I am today. And the reason that I am able to make my dreams a reality, because she pushes me to aim high..just like she had when she was here on this earth. 

I love you mom..I miss you.

Anyway...until next time folks! In case you wanted to see what else I was up to in the photo world, take a peek at my other blog. If you have any questions for me regarding photography, or the business of it, go ahead and leave me a comment or message me. I am very open to how I have gotten to where I am at with my photography and not that I have gotten very far yet (or know everything or anything, because it's always an ever growing learning process!) but still - I'd love to give back just as much that I was given, besides this industry doesn't always accept people with open arms, or so I hear a lot at least from those starting out. Which is why my journey is sometimes baffling to me. I am ever so thankful to the established photographers who have given me a chance, answered my out of nowhere emails and let me work beside them! So please, drop me a line if you have time I'd really love to hear from you..THANKS!

 Also, this is part of a link up, so go check out what other awesome people are up to and join in on the conversation:

"you've seen sad times, your eyes have told me so blue and bad times, you think that I don't know
but there'll be glad times, just you wait and see and there'll be a sun rise, if you lean on me"
                                                                                                                      - beth orton

Here it is again, a day to celebrate being a mom, and of course one's own mom. This time is always so very bittersweet for me. Other days unlike today too. Like the day Jax asked me who my mom was and if I even had a mom at all, because he has never met her but has met Charlie's mom. I try and introduce the photos I have of her and talk about her and show him the things that he knows and has of her. Like all the elephant toys, the elephant bank, and some other knick knacks. Still, it's not quite tangible to a three and half year old.

As a photographer now, trying to convince people that there is value in a print and not just the digital images.  After all you can't frame that dvd of your wedding or put up that nice usb full of your daughter's birth. I love photography in that, when images are printed and in albums or even in a shoebox - you are embraced with history, with memories and other people's memories and perspective. I am so grateful that my mom had photos and albums. I love looking at them over and over and look forward to the day when I can share them with my kiddos. To show them my history, and my mom's history.

Anyway, sorry for the somber post. I started this post thinking I would say HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY! and be all chipper about it. I swear, that was my intention. but I guess that didn't happen. sorry. anyway, everyday really is mother's day, isn't it?  Hugs to you all. I hope that you mamas are enjoying the one day where you should be able to not have ALL your mama duties on your shoulders (not that it is always a burden). I can't wait for home made cards, mediocre breakfasts in bed and last minute gifts from my kids. Now, if only my brain could take the picture all by itself when those moments happen.

Here are some photos I found..I hope to upload more. By the way, I am embarking on a personal photo project regarding suicide loss and mental health. If you or anyone you know has been touched by suicide and would like be part of my project by being photographed and telling their story - please get in touch!

I think I was around 7 here. No front teeth and I think it was on the bucaneer?

This was actually on my 5th birthday, when my thunder was stolen by my cute baby brother's baptism. I love the look my baby bro is giving though.

Again, my 5th birthday - that's me with my brother's present - not mine.

Do not laugh at my hair. My parents believed kitchen scissors were the same thing that the pros use.. at supercuts.

Happy Mother's Day beautiful mamas!

I'm joining in many other bloggers who are taking a "day of silence" in honor of the families affected by the shooting in Connecticut. I know it isn't much, but it's a little something.... I had actually emailed a good friend of mine over the past week and in light of the tragedy she told me that her cousin goes to that school, he was ok - he was a fourth grader. I think she said the teacher locked them in a broom closet. I had forgotten she was originally from the East Coast. I cannot even begin to imagine what that community, the relatives, and the parents are going through from the losses this tragedy brought. I am so so sorry for your loss.

For ways to help, here are some online campaigns you can contribute toward right away. If you know of other online efforts to help the victims, please share them in the comments.

• Sandy Hook Elementary School Fund: Chris DeLetto of Champaign, Ill., started this fundraiser on Crowdtilt, hoping to raise $50,000 in 30 days.
  
• Help for the Sandy Hook Elementary School Families: Razoo's campaign started by Joe Waters is raising money for the Sandy Hook Parent Teachers Association.
  
• Sandy Hook Elementary School Victims Relief Fund: This Crowdrise campaign, started by Ryan, is raising money for the school's PTSA organization.
  
• Secure Schools: Becky Hoover launched this campaign to get security systems in place in all U.S. schools, including pass-key systems with cameras.
  
• Wall of Love: This interactive website, designed following the tragic shooting, wants to show everyone affected by the tragedy that there is more love than hate in the world.

It has been an exhausting, emotional and difficult last few days for me, for us. Aside from the obvious, there were several moments prior to our drive down to LA that really felt as if we were being kicked while we were down. But there is no use in whining about it (I've complained enough) and feeling as though there are other people who get away with so much bad karma, that it isn't fair isn't going to solve anything. It just doesn't help to think that way anyway, i know. If we all went about life complaining how the other guy has it better or how some a-hole deserves more shit than i do, well - we would miss out on the great life we really do have (and the funny curse words your kid thinks he's saying).

My grandfather's death really brought up some unresolved issues I had/have with my mother's death. Seeing photos of him that included her at the memorial service's slideshow was even more difficult as it had a double impact. I hadn't seen some of the photos nor heard the stories before, which was refreshing and bittersweet. It was wonderful to see people, friends and relatives who I haven't seen in a long time. I wish it was under better circumstances but, my grandfather lived a full life and for that I am thankful.

The priest that held the services (what is that called?) was an interesting character. He started off making simple mistakes like the number of siblings (he said 4 but there are 6), which then lead to a sort of weird joke about his own parents ("back then they didn't have electricity, so that's why there were so many siblings") then lead to talking about infidelity and how my grandfather was a good & honest man because there was only one woman at the pew grieving (who hired this guy?!) and then he went on to speak about Obama and then about Lincoln (he asked if anyone had seen the movie yet, and why not - that we should definitely go see it!)...the best speaker was my uncle with his speech. We all began to laugh and cry and sometimes at the same time.

All in all it was great service for our Papa, even the priest, as I think our Papa would have had a laugh about it too. The priest also mentioned this poem, that I happen to like:

“You can shed tears that s/he is gone,
or you can smile because s/he has lived.
You can close your eyes and pray that s/he'll come back,
or you can open your eyes and see all s/he's left.
Your heart can be empty because you can't see him,
or you can be full of the love you shared.
You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday,
or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday.
You can remember her only that s/he is gone,
or you can cherish her memory and let it live on.
You can cry and close your mind,
be empty and turn your back.
Or you can do what s/he'd want:
smile, open your eyes, love and go on.”

 

- David Harkins (not actually intended as a funeral poem)

 

I will try to resume my normal blogging routine/posts tomorrow (Wednesday), even though the house is a complete disaster and I'm still feeling a little raw (more like grrr..raw, out of frustration and anxiety). But blogging/writing helps me - it gives me something to focus on and is a wonderful outlet and medium. 

 

What did you guys do over the weekend? 

Hi Everyone. Thank you all, once again, for your thoughts, prayers and wonderful support. For some, I know during times like these, there are no words to express the comfort one wants to give. Some people find comfort in being with company and others would rather have some solitude. For me, I like to wallow in music, (how emo of me).

This Monday's playlist could have gone on..it was really hard to only choose, at most 10 songs. Music is such a great thing - always there when you need it most. In fun and happy times as well as sad and lonely times.

In Loving Memory, Pompeyo Licas, Jr.

For more information regarding the memorial services and or to learn more about my grandfather, visit the memorial page.

*To those of you who are just coming to my little blog for the first time - Welcome, I know my recent posts have been a bit sad - and while this is not usually the state this blog is in, this is my world right now. Feel free to take a look around and or stop on by these other lovely blogs and maybe add your little slice of the blogosphere here:

Some recent videos:

i love the faces he makes! if you can  believe it, jax is a mere 8 weeks from turning into a toddler (although he pretty much toddles any chance he can get) or what I call part baby part boy (a boyby, if you will). he is absolutely amazing and he really provides much of the strength I have to not fall apart sometimes. like yesterday - which was the 1 year anniversary of my mother's death. its kind of odd to call it an anniversary, why would anyone want to celebrate that? - thats because its really to celebrate the life she did have. i know she is with me in all the parenting that i do. i miss her and i am glad i have jax here to share with him memories of her.

*I forgot to include a link to the annual AFSP walk that we will participate in again this year. Please visit the link and if you can (I know times are tough money wise for everyone) please donate and support this cause. You can even support it by walking with us at the crack of dawn the day after my birthday! Its at Lake Merritt in Oakland on October 16th.

when i get a chance ill scan some photos i stole from my brother when i was in oregon. he had salvaged a box full of photos of us growing up as kids from their move from LA to oregon. theres some real treasures there.

i had a really hard time getting thru today. i went about ignoring things. i had masked it and tried to pretend it would be okay but the truth is i wasnt. i wanted to spend the day just sleeping (of course this is next to impossible with an 8 month old). mostly because i wanted to ignore what today meant and also cause i wanted to try and sleep in (what? a girl can dream cant she?). i had made plans to go and do this motherless daughters group thing at the lake and then things just werent working out in that direction and it was easier to just not go. but i decided i would still do what i had intended to do at the lake - remember my mom, write to her and make a luminaries bag. to which i remembered that i found this old mother's day card i made for her years ago, back in 1998 (thats the front of it, above. yes, thats lil me - im guessing im about 3 yrs old). this picture/card is in jax's room above his changing table  amongst pictures of charlie as a baby and one of my mom's elephant thingie.

it read (left side):

M♥M,

  I hope you know that i think about you always. take care of yourself and remember that I love you. I know in the past we weren't much of buddies or mother and daughter, but thats the past. We must revel in the present to forge on to the future.

  Dont worry about not offering me the treasures of the world, because I enjoy one of the wonder's of the world = you, my mother.

 Enjoy your day. relax, don't worry! there is plenty of time.

P.s. I enjoy your cards.

Love,
Cherlyn

(Right side):

Dearest Mommy,

I LOVE YOU!

♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥

You were there then and still are now! Well of course you were then, you gave birth to me, silly lil' me. now I'm all grown up and in a university, tryin to make you proud.

then there is a picture of me (in 1998 - oh my gawd! yuck) - from then till now, all grown up with a mind of my own. (and then in smaller print) - This is probably going to get you late! Sorry!

-----

so, this is my first mothers day as a mother myself and my first one without my own mother. just reading and writing out what the card said, i mean i'm speechless (and balling my eyes out of course) - all of it is true and can be said now of course. except the fact that there isn't plenty of time because she's gone. and how foolish of me to think there really was plenty of time. i guess i beat myself up for choosing so late in life to try and understand her and learn about her own trials and tribulations. i mean, she was only 21 years old when she became pregnant with me and then later married my father who was only 23 himself. i can only imagine the sacrifices she would have made and to put on hold the self she had inspired to be. i wish i had asked her more questions, i wish i hadnt been so selfish.  i'm so sorry mom. but the truth is, i probably wouldnt have been able to understand the fullness of her, the absolute her, until i became a mother myself. sure, i could have made it a bit easier and tried to understand where she was coming from but not until i became a mother myself (and perhaps cleaned myself up a bit of most of my selfish deeds and wrong doings and messed up misgivings) that i could have truly seen her as she really was or at least fathom what and who she was and is...which is an amazing person.

happy mothers day to all the mothers, here and especially to those who arent within reach but within our hearts. i love you mom. with all my heart. forever and ever. and ever. i miss you terribly.

p.s. thank you jax (and charlie) for taking care of me today.

It’s been a really rough couple of days recovering from a tragedy that occurred the previous week. My mother took her own life a mere week after my baby shower, on July 12th. It was devastating to say the least. I had received an email from her only a few days before she went missing and never showed up for work. Nothing was amiss or out of the ordinary and there were no indications of what was to have happened next.

But my Mother was bipolar. All her life before being diagnosed manic depressive in 1994, after what I had thought was her first attempt at suicide, had always suffered with bouts of depression and dissatisfaction of her life. I wrote more about it on my other blog (*which I've sort of abandoned since having a baby).

Since this is my pregnancy blog, I’m gonna try and focus on the effects of this on myself as a mother to be and my growing family. I may occasionally write an open letter to my mom like I started to on my other blog. I am looking on joining a local support group and reading a couple of books, like Mothering Without a Map: The Search for the Good Mother Within and Motherless Mothers: How Mother Loss Shapes the Parents We Become. I find it very therapeutic to publicly write about this even though it is so personal, but in doing so I have already connected with 2 wonderful people who shared their own life experiences with me.

I of course was stressed and didn’t sleep much during the week of July 13th, having to take command and take care of whatever was necessary to get a proper service for my Mom and to handle whatever it was that follows after something like this, because it was the most natural thing for me to do. I was basically running on autopilot, something I had experienced before when something traumatic happens in my life. My Mom had left letters – one to each of her children, one to her husband, one to her sister, one to her mother and even one to my Dad, her ex-husband. She also had two brothers – one older and one younger and well…I’ll just leave it at that.

I suffered only two major breakdowns during the first week, like I said I was running on autopilot mode and being “strong” and mindful of others. The first time I really cried was when I saw her for the first time laid out in her casket. It was uncontrollable and exhausting. My brother was by my side and held me together. The second time was returning home and walking into the nursery room. It was all too much. Baby clothes and diapers that my Mom had given me and then the thoughts of my son never having the chance to meet her. My son would have been her first grandchild and how I regret I never said to my Mom that because of this new stage in my life, the birth of her grandson carried the hope that we would have the relationship that we had both wanted for years.

I took home some of my Mom’s belongings; she never liked to throw anything away it seems. We still haven’t unpacked everything from the car. I know from this day forward I will encounter many questions and a lot of pain over this. Some of which I will not have the answers for at least not right away nor handy coping techniques. Thru all of this Amy and my husband have been a great source of support. Thank you Amy for dropping everything that day and putting your life on hold to drive me down to LA immediately after I heard the news. And thank you to my husband who continues to be my rock during this difficult time. Thank you to the friends and family who sent their love, thoughts, prayers and support. It was all appreciated and needed.

Also to let you know that baby wagner is ok. he is doing well, still head down and healthy. A perfect little petite baby (what our midwife has said). Heartbeat is as strong as ever. I worried that all this would cause terrible repercussions down the line for my son. Would he come out completely unhappy and stressed? Would he ever smile? Etc. Our other midwife had made a great comment about my worries, I only wish I could remember it fully and repeat it here. But they said not to worry, as long as I remind myself and him (while rubbing my belly, of course) that he is loved and safe.

oh, my baby, you are loved and safe. You are loved and safe.