i had a really hard time getting thru today. i went about ignoring things. i had masked it and tried to pretend it would be okay but the truth is i wasnt. i wanted to spend the day just sleeping (of course this is next to impossible with an 8 month old). mostly because i wanted to ignore what today meant and also cause i wanted to try and sleep in (what? a girl can dream cant she?). i had made plans to go and do this motherless daughters group thing at the lake and then things just werent working out in that direction and it was easier to just not go. but i decided i would still do what i had intended to do at the lake - remember my mom, write to her and make a luminaries bag. to which i remembered that i found this old mother's day card i made for her years ago, back in 1998 (thats the front of it, above. yes, thats lil me - im guessing im about 3 yrs old). this picture/card is in jax's room above his changing table  amongst pictures of charlie as a baby and one of my mom's elephant thingie.

it read (left side):

M♥M,

  I hope you know that i think about you always. take care of yourself and remember that I love you. I know in the past we weren't much of buddies or mother and daughter, but thats the past. We must revel in the present to forge on to the future.

  Dont worry about not offering me the treasures of the world, because I enjoy one of the wonder's of the world = you, my mother.

 Enjoy your day. relax, don't worry! there is plenty of time.

P.s. I enjoy your cards.

Love,
Cherlyn

(Right side):

Dearest Mommy,

I LOVE YOU!

♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥

You were there then and still are now! Well of course you were then, you gave birth to me, silly lil' me. now I'm all grown up and in a university, tryin to make you proud.

then there is a picture of me (in 1998 - oh my gawd! yuck) - from then till now, all grown up with a mind of my own. (and then in smaller print) - This is probably going to get you late! Sorry!

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so, this is my first mothers day as a mother myself and my first one without my own mother. just reading and writing out what the card said, i mean i'm speechless (and balling my eyes out of course) - all of it is true and can be said now of course. except the fact that there isn't plenty of time because she's gone. and how foolish of me to think there really was plenty of time. i guess i beat myself up for choosing so late in life to try and understand her and learn about her own trials and tribulations. i mean, she was only 21 years old when she became pregnant with me and then later married my father who was only 23 himself. i can only imagine the sacrifices she would have made and to put on hold the self she had inspired to be. i wish i had asked her more questions, i wish i hadnt been so selfish.  i'm so sorry mom. but the truth is, i probably wouldnt have been able to understand the fullness of her, the absolute her, until i became a mother myself. sure, i could have made it a bit easier and tried to understand where she was coming from but not until i became a mother myself (and perhaps cleaned myself up a bit of most of my selfish deeds and wrong doings and messed up misgivings) that i could have truly seen her as she really was or at least fathom what and who she was and is...which is an amazing person.

happy mothers day to all the mothers, here and especially to those who arent within reach but within our hearts. i love you mom. with all my heart. forever and ever. and ever. i miss you terribly.

p.s. thank you jax (and charlie) for taking care of me today.