It has been an exhausting, emotional and difficult last few days for me, for us. Aside from the obvious, there were several moments prior to our drive down to LA that really felt as if we were being kicked while we were down. But there is no use in whining about it (I've complained enough) and feeling as though there are other people who get away with so much bad karma, that it isn't fair isn't going to solve anything. It just doesn't help to think that way anyway, i know. If we all went about life complaining how the other guy has it better or how some a-hole deserves more shit than i do, well - we would miss out on the great life we really do have (and the funny curse words your kid thinks he's saying).

My grandfather's death really brought up some unresolved issues I had/have with my mother's death. Seeing photos of him that included her at the memorial service's slideshow was even more difficult as it had a double impact. I hadn't seen some of the photos nor heard the stories before, which was refreshing and bittersweet. It was wonderful to see people, friends and relatives who I haven't seen in a long time. I wish it was under better circumstances but, my grandfather lived a full life and for that I am thankful.

The priest that held the services (what is that called?) was an interesting character. He started off making simple mistakes like the number of siblings (he said 4 but there are 6), which then lead to a sort of weird joke about his own parents ("back then they didn't have electricity, so that's why there were so many siblings") then lead to talking about infidelity and how my grandfather was a good & honest man because there was only one woman at the pew grieving (who hired this guy?!) and then he went on to speak about Obama and then about Lincoln (he asked if anyone had seen the movie yet, and why not - that we should definitely go see it!)...the best speaker was my uncle with his speech. We all began to laugh and cry and sometimes at the same time.

All in all it was great service for our Papa, even the priest, as I think our Papa would have had a laugh about it too. The priest also mentioned this poem, that I happen to like:

“You can shed tears that s/he is gone,
or you can smile because s/he has lived.
You can close your eyes and pray that s/he'll come back,
or you can open your eyes and see all s/he's left.
Your heart can be empty because you can't see him,
or you can be full of the love you shared.
You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday,
or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday.
You can remember her only that s/he is gone,
or you can cherish her memory and let it live on.
You can cry and close your mind,
be empty and turn your back.
Or you can do what s/he'd want:
smile, open your eyes, love and go on.”

 

- David Harkins (not actually intended as a funeral poem)

 

I will try to resume my normal blogging routine/posts tomorrow (Wednesday), even though the house is a complete disaster and I'm still feeling a little raw (more like grrr..raw, out of frustration and anxiety). But blogging/writing helps me - it gives me something to focus on and is a wonderful outlet and medium. 

 

What did you guys do over the weekend?