i knew this day would come, the dreaded end of my maternity leave. before i even had a taste of what motherhood would be like, i had my ideas of maternity leave and the first 3 months of taking care of a newborn. my major complaint was, that, when i would return to work, id miss out on all the good stuff. like the baby smiling, "talking", and so forth. and that, harsh as it sounds, during the first three months, what i would be getting in comparison to what charlie would be getting when he became the primary care giver, would be the short end of the stick. and the result of which would have me resent charlie for getting all the fun and "easy" stuff.

well, just in the past 10 days during our trip to LA, jax has grown so much and in so many ways, that i didnt miss out on any of the smiling, "talking" and most of the fun stuff. so maybe it wasnt the short end of the stick after all. sure, i still felt at times like i was the one doing most of the heavy lifting, but then again, I am the one with the boobs. and when i say heavy lifting, i mostly mean the sleep deprivation, the late night feedings or 4 am diaper changes and house arrest (okay, that last bit was stretch. but only by a bit) . but yes, of course its all worth it. so, my complaints aside, i was there when he reached milestones. like, when he first really smiled, or when i could hold a somewhat one sided conversation with him, or the time i realized the noise he was making, while asleep, was him actually laughing, out loud. i was there for all of that and so much more.

you might wonder what has little jax of only 11 weeks done lately? well, when we were in LA, he learned to self soothe, sleep thru the night UNSWADDLED, and even go down for a nap without being held. he was growing up right before my eyes, that the clothes i packed for him didnt end up fitting anymore. i know i may not be there for all his firsts, but ill be there for the second or third and so on.. And thats something i have to accept and more importantly, forgive myself for going back to work, and missing out.

so tomorrow is d day. its a mixed bag. but one things for sure, i know my baby will be in good hands and for that, i am grateful.