So, yesterday marked the first day of being with my kiddos part time instead of them being in daycare full time and me working full time too. Monday was a bit of a struggle, today was a little better and i am hoping that tomorrow is even better.

At our house, we do something called - good day bad day during dinner. It's where we ask each other, even the kiddos, what was the good part of our day and what was our bad part of our day. We ask the kids what we should start off with first and usually their response is - bad day bad day!!

When we do this, even when I have had a bad moment in my day - I have to pause and really reflect and consider - was it really that bad? And usually, it isn't, so I end up being all meh, I didn't really have a bad day but I guess..insert the supposed bad day incident but in the whole grand scheme of things it's sort of lame. I guess, I should be real thankful...and I am. Because even if the guy in front of me cut me off today, or the person in the grocery line who pretended not to see me with my 3 items and 2 kids while they unload a cart full of crap - I am going to assume that they are just having a bad day, perhaps much worse than what I think my own worst day is and let it go because in the whole grand scheme of things, there was so much good in the day that the bad, was merely a blip on my radar.

Ok folks..I've turned in my resignation! (What?! What?!! - no, more like WOOT WOOT!) and I have also just purchased my ticket to a Blogher conference (there was a discount code for 50% off). If you are interested in attending, I have a 30% off code - message me or leave a comment and I'll send it right over!

Visit the site for more details, here.



 

I'll update soon..

Jax with his bday present - lasers from Mathilde

{Currently} Lately, I have been feeling like I'm on a roller coaster (but you should know that I like roller coasters).

One minute, I feel like the decision on quitting my desk job (did I just say that "out loud" over the internets?!) is the most effed up thing I can do to my family. And I let my fear overtake my wild, worst case scenario thinking mind and I begin to hyper ventilate. It's that part of the roller coaster ride that is not so great..

Then the next minute, because of something that may seem small yet is so significant, like a text from a midwife where I documented a birth, thanking me for being there and documenting her client's journey and that she would definitely refer me. That she would like to use my images on her website with photo credit. Then being accepted to an exclusive stock photo agency, and getting more photography inquiries...it goes on. The feeling of these, one after another is like that wonderful feeling of a roller coaster ride. Where you scream at the top of your lungs out of pure exhilaration..It's that push, that sign from the universe (or so I tell myself) that tells me - this is the right thing to do. This is the path you need to follow.

Then I get hit again with the horrible feeling, gut wrenching feeling of when you look at your bank account and know what bills will be coming and thinking - are we going to be able to cover that? It is a sinking feeling. A terrible deflated feeling. I look at my kids and am so glad they don't have to know any of this. And then I think back to my own childhood and think: wow, this is probably what my parents were going through...and then I understand them more, and feel closer to them more than I ever did. And I also feel totally terrible knowing how much of a brat I was..sorry parents!

Anyway...there are going to be a lot of changes in the coming weeks and months, so I hope those of you who are still around, will stick around to follow along on this journey of mine.

Until next time...here is a throwback from the past:

Jax, only a few days old!

Visit the other wonderful blogs over here to see what they all are up to and link up your own:

Hi folks! Remember me? Hello?? Is there anyone out there?...

I'm sorry I have been neglecting this little blog of mine..but there are big changes coming...BIG changes!!!

Don't worry, you'll start seeing/hearing/reading more from me...woo hoo! (you're excited, right?!)


(Images above are from a long while ago..maybe I even posted them here but I can't remember now, and it's 1 am and I should really go to sleep now....)

quote is from Steve Maraboli, Life, the Truth, and Being Free

So..I've gone back and forth on something that weighs heavy on me. The pressure I feel from this, moving forward has taken a toll on me, in that, last night, I had the worst back/shoulder spasms I've ever had in my life (and I have a high tolerance of pain and don't try to display that I am even in pain at all) and today I can barely move because my back has pretty much given out.

I have this opportunity to be a seasonal photographer for another photographer. The actual seasonal job is not in my style (school/sport photography) but the opportunity is huge. I am interested in the experience, the networking capabilities, and the opportunity to second shoot and assist on her wedding gigs as well as learn from her photography business & marketing as a whole. The problem is - the gigs are during the week. AND it is seasonal. I was thinking of getting another PT job to make up for it but then we'd really be in trouble money wise.

An additional thing I have weighing on me is - I have this HUGE opportunity to second shoot a wedding in June for a wedding photographer that I greatly admire. His work is just outstanding, as well as his story on how he became a photographer himself. I reached out to him in an email and to my surprise he answered AND gave me a second shooting opportunity. I am still in awe over it. The only catch was - he is a Canon shooter. I am a Nikon shooter. He wanted me to get my hands on some Canon gear. And so, I did (which probably impacted my body and pocket book more than the seasonal photography decision) - that like cost us a good chunk of money that we don't have. But did I tell him this? Did I say no? Eff NO! I'd be an idiot not see seize this opportunity.

Anyway, enough about problems because despite these issues there is a lot of good, a lot of opportunity and a lot of happy going on..

And as soon as I finished writing all of the above..I get an email from Charlie with - Hey wanna second shoot a wedding this Saturday?

WHAT?! Yeah! Yup, it's like that. AND Charlie got a tutoring gig too!

Watching some more Sue Bryce tonight (she is absolutely uh-mazing) - and read this from her blog:

“Business is an equal amount of pleasure and pain (but we judge it by our pain) You will become as successful as the amount of pain you are prepared to endure” - John Demartini

So bring it! I'ma take it. I'll show you! *shakes fist in air*

**BTW: If you've never heard of CreativeLive - YOU SHOULD CHECK IT OUT!! It is a free learning resource full of wonderful amazing goodies - topics like Photography, Design, Business, Lifestyle (relationships/health). They have live workshops that are free during the internet broadcast or you can pay for the workshop to be played whenever you like (paid courses have worksheets or anything else for the course that is necessary).

Click on images to view larger

Lots and lots happening. Sometimes a little too fast and a little too much. Seriously, when "they" say: be careful what you wish for...they really mean it. I've been struggling with the decision to quit or at least go part time at my desk job (and fantasizing and thinking oh if only this were to happen or if that - it'll be a sign) and just when I decide I was going to give it my all again at the desk job while still pursing my dreams because this was the best and smartest plan/route for my family right now..this did happened and definitely that happened too..I don't know. I'm pretty tied up in knots right now. I really don't know what to do.

It really makes sense to stick to my job for now, and to continue burning the midnight (and 2 am) oil working on making my dreams a reality. I started reading this book called Quitter: Closing the Gap Between Your Day Job & Your Dream Job by Jon Acuff, and it's pretty good so far, so we shall see..

This is where I start to really get down on myself and think - wow, I really wasted a good decade of my life partying and or doing a lot of failed attempts at what I wanted for myself because I either wasn't valuing myself and got all mixed up with a boy and figured out all too late that - saving money would be good. I always hated money, but probably because I never had it. I never emphasized the need or importance of money because I know that what's important can't be bought - but you know, money sure does help on a lot of things. Of course my family is important, but the roof over our heads is pretty important too, not to mention the food on our table, the clothes on our backs etc..

Sigh..anyway, it's all good. I mean, these are good problems (sort of). It always could be worse and I'm pretty sure someone else out there with worse is doing better so it doesn't help to wallow and spend my energy on what I can't do, what I can't control. That's just a waste of valuable time. It's not a road block, it's just new terrain.

Anyway...I have an old post I've been meaning to publish - have you all heard of the liebster award? I've heard of it but also knew it wasn't really an award, per se, I mean - what are you awarded with? Anyway, I've been meaning to write about it and at least keep my end of the deal..

*One of the links is an affiliate link, if you click on the link it will direct you to the amazon page where, if you choose to purchase, I will get a (very small) percentage for leading you to that site and you purchasing. You're price does not change due to this affiliate link.

Hi everyone, it's been awhile hasn't it? I've been busy busy busy and haven't had time to update and or post the special stuff I've been up to here, so you all don't think I'm lying or just slacking off.

I started this post on my phone, and this is actually posted on my photography blog...

I had a wonderful day today yesterday, but I am utterly anxious and nervous and and...how do you on call people do it? This is one of those times that I fantasize about my mother being alive and well and living with us. Imagining that, in a pinch she could watch the kids as I take on this new direction in my life as a photographer and actually, a birth photographer. That basically, life was perfect, easy, comfortable and oh so wonderfully laid out and plan-able. I know, I did say fantasize, right?

When I picked up a real camera, not just my phone, or a point and shoot, but a real camera again last year, it really opened my insides wide open. I still struggle with the decision of, right now, what is an expensive hobby. But it is so worth it. The joys I get when I cull and edit those images. Sometimes I can't contain myself and bug Charlie to take a look at some images I'm so proud of. But there is still a little voice inside of me who likes to blow out that creativity and confident flame. I think to myself- you have kids, your family depends on your income to survive, what the hell were you thinking of doing this NOW?! You aren't as young as you look missy and you've got way more responsibilities than this passion can afford. Yes, my insides are not very friendly sometimes. Fear, she is one tough bitch. She will push you, pull you, love you and hate you. She is also what can make you stronger and drive you towards your dreams, well sometimes. Which leads me to something I read recently (Jasmine Star's magazine Exposed) to the tune of: I'd rather fail at something I love, than succeed at something I hate.

Yes, I am scared. I am terrified. My guts are swimming around and crawling to get out. I'm more distracted at my desk job and I really want out. It was never really fulfilling but it definitely paid the bills. That's not true there were times early on in my seven years at my desk job, that I fully enjoyed my work as a project manager. I had moved up from being an admin and at the time was also trying to do some creative side projects. But when the desk job started paying more and better. I lost that creative spark. Anyway, did this desk job ever make a difference? no of course not. But I did like it but as it is now, my heart isn't in it - and I don't think it ever was. Anyway,  photographing people isn't the fulfilling part, it's delivering the goods that is. Those memories and lighting up someone's life with printed (or even digital) images, that is absolutely rewarding.

Anyway, here are some shots from an impromptu maternity shoot, I did this past Saturday:

And yes, she is supposed to be glowing - cause she truly is! 

I am on call for that lovely mama (and 2-3 others - for birth photos!) and I anxiously await her baby girl's birthday, not only because I will hopefully be able to document the day, but because I am also stepping in as the doula! GULP. 

Being with mamas and kids, like I was yesterday, meeting with birth photography session clients is really really where I want to be. It's really what I want to be doing. Being allowed to document such an intimate moment for a family is just humbling, to say the least. Being able to spend my days seeing and taking photographs of people, happy and having fun and most importantly being able to spend more time with my family to enjoy my days having fun and being happy too. I know it will take time and I am willing to put my blood, sweat and tears into it, which I already am. It doesn't mean that I'm not scared of absolutely failing, especially because there is a lot more at stake.

Here is to hoping our dreams into reality..that and winning the lottery ;)

Oh and speaking of motherhood - did any of you read this huffington post article?

Yesterday, I got my required permits and business license (which I should have done last year!) with the help of my little assistant Jax. I still have yet to open up a separate bank account - but I plan on doing that next week. I also got a business loan (GULP - not a big one but enough), I know in 2013 most everyone, including myself - was hopeful of having less debt. But if I am really serious about this - then I need to invest in it - while investing in blood, sweat and tears is great and all (and I have plenty of it) it doesn't pay for some much needed equipment and insurance. We, as in the hubs and I, have decided to give up our master bedroom for the guest room so that we can turn the master bedroom into a studio & office. This way, I can have clients come in and not have to go through our entire house because it's located at the back of the house by the kitchen that has a separate entrance. I can also lead clients to an outdoor space if we wanted to meet outside too - or if they had their kids, they could play in our backyard.

I can't wait - I am so excited to rearrange everything. I can already see where everything should go in my head!

Anyway, aside from that - I am excited to be a part of my friend's birth team and got to accompany them on the tour of the hospital last night. I brought my camera along and also my promo flyers - and I thought it was the perfect opportunity to reach out to prospective clients - but, I chickened out!! I had a stack of my lil promo flyers that I made and spent money on but I was too nervous and I mean - these women were here to see where they were going to give birth - where all of the magic happens - I didn't want to interrupt that with a sales pitch - although they were all looking at me with my camera - since I was taking photos of my friends.

I know I know..I need to get over being shy or rather being laughed at and rejected - but I'm not requiring them to buy anything - just taking a look..sheesh..anyway..all the mamas to be were so cute..it almost had me....yeah, no. :)

Oh - for those of you who can still do a little shopping-if the holidays didn't already burn too many holes in your pocket book, I wanted to mention that Shabby Apple is having a site wide sale, and even better the sale is even on sale!! HA. So use code: NewYears to save 20% on EVERYTHING on their site:


Now back to business - my business, really OUR business. You see, when Charlie and I first started dating we had shared one major passion and hobby - photography. He was still using film while I was getting more into digital at the time (this was early 2008). He was really good for someone who never took a single photography class in his life! I had even built him a website once but then it was too much to focus on that as well as my old blog and then we got married, we had kids and we had a lot more responsibility than ever before. It was always a lofty dream of mine to have a multi-disciplinary business as husband and wife. Of course, Charlie's real passion is teaching and watching him go thru his credential program and teach kids and go to work doing what he really loves doing - was one of the inspirations for me to get my shit together and just do it - do what I love, of course while still maintaining all the responsibilities - which is not fun at all. Since my desk job provides us with the steady paycheck AND the health insurance - it's really hard, but I'm dedicated. Just like having a newborn, you don't sleep much - and well with all this business stuff or rather pushing my passion from hobby to a business - I'm not sleeping much and that's ok.

Anyway...

So - in other news, I got 100% funded for a peer to peer loan using Lending club except I can't freakin' find my 2011 W2 (nor my file folder of our 2011 taxes, where I KNOW that's where I would find it!) and I am missing the one paystub for that year end to date. These are the last of the required documents in order for me to receive the loan! If you haven't heard of peer to peer loans, it is a platform where the funding of the loans are done thru other people (investors) and not a bank. With Lending club, you request a loan - they check your credit score, give you options on amounts and payments and when you agree to it - they put it up on their board and investors take a look to see if it's something they are interested in putting their money in and if there are enough investors you can get fully funded. For my particular case, 45 strangers are investing in me, well in my business (it's not a major loan. I only requested an amount I know I could make the monthly on - for 3 years). You have the option to write a note to the potential investors and I stated it was to jump start my dreams & passion of photography - and make it a business. I stated it would pay for the required licenses, permits, insurance and some equipment too.

Here is the link to wikipedia for more info on peer to peer lending. I think aside from Lending club there is also Prosper - but you will need to have close to excellent credit to qualify for a loan at Prosper (which I didn't have and so was not approved).

As I was continuing this post, which was from yesterday and was supposed to be my Friday Perspective post - but as you can see, it is now Saturday..anyway, I was able to slash my auto policy monthly in HALF! You can too - especially if you haven't had a policy review in over a year or even 6 months. Things change, things get better or worse, so it's a good idea to call em up and see what they can do for you. Next up is cable - either canceling it completely or seeing if they can lower our monthly too. By doing this, it allows me to keep with our budget and include my loan monthly payment without sacrificing much of the necessities. Charlie might argue that cable (sports package) is a necessity - I wish I could just buy a sports package and nothing else but local cable.

Anyway, my focus these first few months of the year is finding ways to cut our expenses and grow our business. On top of my other responsibilities, of course...

speaking of responsibilities..have you read this blog post about how you are never failing as a mother? - Well, you should.

*Disclosure: Shabby Apple above - is an affiliate link. All other links are merely something I wish to share with you all - no strings attached ;) BUT if you are interested in learning more about Lending club - they do offer a referral program, so if you want to sign up, email me - and we can split the rewards (at the time of this writing, it's $100 - so, yeah...)

i slipped out of bed this morning, dreading the day ahead of me. making sure to be quiet to not wake my babies (that includes my husband). lots of ideas swirling in my head about this, that and the other. difficult things, like my dreams, my passions, work, money, the future. i quietly stepped onto the cold ceramic tiled floors of our bathroom to mull things over as i brushed my teeth and stared off at my reflection.

i got dressed, kissed my husband and attempted to de-ice my car as i headed into the office this morning (oh and i realized we had left the car unlocked the entire weekend). i'm here at my desk. the only person at work, it seems.

last night, i joked with my husband about quitting my desk job (i call it that now - a desk job, nothing more, nothing less - sad really). it wasn't really a joke per se, but it was a loaded thought - a scary yet freeing one. but i know i can't, not yet anyway. i really want to pursue my creative endeavors (my web/graphic design & my photography - gulp, please be kind!). my whole life, i had dreamed of making my passion the job that would pay the bills. i've always been envious of people i knew, who were doing what they had intended on doing - working in tv/film, being a musician, a dancer, an artist, a photographer, etc. of course, none of these people i knew back then (and now) have kids..and i knew them before i had any real responsibilities of my own. and some of them, i know don't in fact think they are living the dream. they still have complaints just like the rest of us. a very true case of the grass is always greener..

anyway..i don't know what 2013 has in store for the wagners, but i do know that i will continue to dream, to hope, have faith, to believe, to push myself even further, to thrive and if all else fails, to simply survive. i foresee many changes on this very blog of mine, and i hope that you will bear with me. for one, as you may have noticed - i am not using proper punctuations nor capitalizing sentences anymore  - i used to do that a lot on my old blog because it was easier to type and you know what? it is, so i'm going to do that from now on - or at least when i am at my desk job. so, you'll know when i've typed this at my work. it'll be something you and i will know (wink wink). if you start seeing some capitalization in my sentences then maybe i switched or updated and started re-typing it when i got home and had time to actually edit my sentences.

so, good bye 2012 - with your ups and downs, your joys, love, fear, happiness, life & deaths...i hope i've learned enough from you to not repeat any of the nasty stuff in 2013. if i haven't, well, i hope you'll be gentle with me. i am only human.

from my family to yours - may this new year bring you the joys that the past year couldn't, the happiness that was yet to be had, the fortune that you deserve, the love you've always had and then some. may this new year bring you so much that 2012 couldn't..Happy New Year!

much love,
cherlyn

per·spec·tive (p r-sp k t v). n. 1. a. A view or vista. b. A mental view or outlook: "It is useful occasionally to look at the past to gain a perspective on the present" ...

 Lately, what with my reduced hours and little faith in the industry I am currently working in, I am day dreaming more and more of pursing my passions and delving into a more creative field and quite possibly, becoming a serious freelancer (or rather a more legitimate one).

I have always been a creative and artsy fartsy person. I started drawing seriously (as in not doodles and more like portraits kind of stuff) as a kid when I was 7 years old and actively pursued drawing and painting up till my late teens and only switched to Art History in my 20's (among other majors like photography, biology, and religious studies). I worked at an art restoration/conservation company (hmm, maybe I need to contact them to re-design their website?) for more than 4 years while in high school and early college. I also attended summer programs at California College of the Arts (back when they were known as Calif. College of Arts & Crafts  - I guess they didn't like the crafts part so much, even though now a days - crafts are a big thing - and I don't think of them as simple art forms as they are still definitely a skill set). But what do I have to show for all this? Not much because..

Then I found boys and I totally lost myself in the upkeep of having these psuedo loving relationships. I had to, often times pretend I was someone else. I would take on what they liked instead of nurtured what I liked or was good at. If they were avid gamers, then I had to be an avid gamer. If they were really into music and was in a band (unfortunately, I had a bad habit of being attracted to emotionally unavailable musician gamers) then I of course was into music (note: I have always been into music but you know, like pretended to like a band when you really had no clue who they were? And then the next week you have all their albums or CDs) and playing in a band (I actually did know how to play bass when I was a teenager and came up with a convoluted story on why I quit playing. Somehow, it made me more attractive to bad boyfriends in my college days). Instead of nurturing my strengths, I succumbed to  my weaknesses - not knowing my self worth and the value of self love. I always think back on that line in Labyrnth - "you have no power over me"..that moment when she remembers that line and that truth - it is so very true of how I came to remembering my own self worth. It's that instant when all the pieces fall (back) into place again. That a-ha moment, that light switch being turned on..It's a good feeling.

This isn't to say that I don't struggle with self-esteem issues, because I do and as a woman and a mom, it comes with the territory. I'm not saying that's a good thing, but that's reality. But, one's self-worth is different from one's self-esteem. I have always struggled with my self esteem, but about 6 years ago (right before the time I started my first blog), before I met my husband I had that a-ha moment. the self esteem stuff, back then and sometimes even now, I faked it. I have always been a believer of the fake it till you make it mentality. I've always pretended to be confident. I've always pretended to be the cool one, so that I could make an attempt to be he popular girl, to make up for all the years I never was anything to anyone, in school. I was quite the opposite while I was in school, even up till college and really even now. I am really quite shy (No, seriously, I am!) If you will it, so it will be. You just have to believe in the farce long enough and be able to laugh at yourself and have fun and not let it get to your head. Moderation is key, as with anything..anyway..where was I? Ah yes, so passions...following your passions. I regret not following my (true) passions (there is a corny pervy joke in there somewhere) when I had the chance to nurture them, but then again, perhaps if I did, I wouldn't be where I am at today. Which is annoyed and scared and financially insecure, I kid I kid. Sort of. Anyway, I wouldn't have met and be married to a wonderful husband and father, nor be a mother to two kiddos. I wouldn't be living in the Bay area and have the family and friends for support. It's all good. We get to where we need to be, one way or another. I guess, the trick is knowing that you are supposed to be there in the first place...

Whenever I get a chance, I look up bloggers or other successful people I am inspired by and wish I could find out how they got to where they were at, and how I could do it for myself. Luckily there were/are successful bloggers who already had this idea and have a series on just this subject:

• Inspired To Share: Dream Job series
• Moriah Makes: Pursuing Her Passion series

How about you, what are your passions? Have you made your hobby and or passion into a business? If so, please do share!

And to new readers, followers and "like"-ers of the blog - THANK YOU for finding me and stopping by and actually (& hopefully) reading!! :) (have you noticed yet, that I love parentheses?)

And to the loyalists, thanks for putting up with me and continuing to put up with me!

Happy Friday!

P.s. If you are looking to do something creative, photography wise, and are open to a challenge - come check out Photo Friday challenge - "orderly" :

How It Works Check the Photo Friday website each Friday for the week's Challenge - or better yet, sign up for email notices and we'll send you a reminder.

We pick a Challenge theme or subject, and your job is to take pictures interpreting it. When you're done, upload your picture(s) to your site, then enter your picture link on the Photo Friday website.

Friday is the day we post the Challenge, but you can enter your link on Photo Friday whenever you like. It doesn't have to be on Friday!

If you already have the perfect image in your archive that suits the Challenge, go ahead and submit your link to it, or take a new picture - it's your choice.