Please click on the images for a larger view!

Currently, I am up to some experimenting. I asked Charlie to be my guinea pig to test out some flash experiments(I asked him to pretend he was dancing - since that is the time I want to use flash- during the dancing portion at wedding receptions). Better to test it out on a non-paying client, right?!  While I love to play with the available light and am definitely comfortable with low light situations with no flash (like births and some church ceremonies where flash is restricted), I would really like to be decent with using flash (ok, so I would really like to master it!). I haven't yet had the guts to play or push my flash capabilities. After talking with Lech (of Lech Photo, one of the main photographers I have had the incredible opportunity to second shoot with and hope to continue to) he said to go on and practice at home...not sure why I hadn't tried it at home before (duh!). And so I did..the above was just the first few minutes of my experiments (mwuaahhahahahaha..sorry, when I think of experiments I think of mad scientist stuff) and then Charlie was kind of over it and was tired since he had just finished a game of softball with his league..I'll have to get my kids involved for the next flash experiment..I like the whole ambient light showing motion kind of thing..I'm not one for straight on looking flash images, so the above definitely fits my aesthetic - definitely not traditional.

So yeah, I know I haven't written much here lately and said anything more about my journey as a full fledged photographer. In all honesty, I am still in the thick of all my luck and fortune with it and feel so so so very blessed and fortunate and just flabbergasted really. Not to say that a lot of hard work hasn't been involved and a lot of support, especially from the goofy guy pictured above.

I could not have imagined where I am right now, a year ago. I pinch myself and think - good gawd woman, is this real? Is this really happening? I truly, and honestly owe it to my mom and from dealing with a tragedy if anything. Losing my mom has transformed me in so many ways. In ways I could have never imagined. I grew so much from the loss (and continue to). I have learned so much from my grief (and continue to). Because I feel as though my mom was not able to speak up for herself in order to make others happy, I have chosen to not be silent and to always speak up when I can and definitely when I should, even if it makes me feel uncomfortable. It's not always the easiest thing. I don't actually do it that much at my day job but definitely more so than usual. But in other aspects of my life? Definitely. I would rather speak up - for myself, for others - then to hold on to that regret, continue to wonder and or continue to complain and put blame on others for that regret. I am a much happier, less uncomfortable person because of it - and also a better person, a better wife, and a better mother. It's not always easy and it still doesn't come naturally but my gut tells me more so than before to not stay silent. 

This month marks the 4 year anniversary of mother's death. I miss her oh so much and I feel her each day (in fact, just as I typed that - something in the room just settled into place and made a lot of noise..hmmm, yes, I believe in those sort of things) - she is the reason, I am who I am today. And the reason that I am able to make my dreams a reality, because she pushes me to aim high..just like she had when she was here on this earth. 

I love you mom..I miss you.

Anyway...until next time folks! In case you wanted to see what else I was up to in the photo world, take a peek at my other blog. If you have any questions for me regarding photography, or the business of it, go ahead and leave me a comment or message me. I am very open to how I have gotten to where I am at with my photography and not that I have gotten very far yet (or know everything or anything, because it's always an ever growing learning process!) but still - I'd love to give back just as much that I was given, besides this industry doesn't always accept people with open arms, or so I hear a lot at least from those starting out. Which is why my journey is sometimes baffling to me. I am ever so thankful to the established photographers who have given me a chance, answered my out of nowhere emails and let me work beside them! So please, drop me a line if you have time I'd really love to hear from you..THANKS!

 Also, this is part of a link up, so go check out what other awesome people are up to and join in on the conversation:

"you've seen sad times, your eyes have told me so blue and bad times, you think that I don't know
but there'll be glad times, just you wait and see and there'll be a sun rise, if you lean on me"
                                                                                                                      - beth orton

Here it is again, a day to celebrate being a mom, and of course one's own mom. This time is always so very bittersweet for me. Other days unlike today too. Like the day Jax asked me who my mom was and if I even had a mom at all, because he has never met her but has met Charlie's mom. I try and introduce the photos I have of her and talk about her and show him the things that he knows and has of her. Like all the elephant toys, the elephant bank, and some other knick knacks. Still, it's not quite tangible to a three and half year old.

As a photographer now, trying to convince people that there is value in a print and not just the digital images.  After all you can't frame that dvd of your wedding or put up that nice usb full of your daughter's birth. I love photography in that, when images are printed and in albums or even in a shoebox - you are embraced with history, with memories and other people's memories and perspective. I am so grateful that my mom had photos and albums. I love looking at them over and over and look forward to the day when I can share them with my kiddos. To show them my history, and my mom's history.

Anyway, sorry for the somber post. I started this post thinking I would say HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY! and be all chipper about it. I swear, that was my intention. but I guess that didn't happen. sorry. anyway, everyday really is mother's day, isn't it?  Hugs to you all. I hope that you mamas are enjoying the one day where you should be able to not have ALL your mama duties on your shoulders (not that it is always a burden). I can't wait for home made cards, mediocre breakfasts in bed and last minute gifts from my kids. Now, if only my brain could take the picture all by itself when those moments happen.

Here are some photos I found..I hope to upload more. By the way, I am embarking on a personal photo project regarding suicide loss and mental health. If you or anyone you know has been touched by suicide and would like be part of my project by being photographed and telling their story - please get in touch!

I think I was around 7 here. No front teeth and I think it was on the bucaneer?

This was actually on my 5th birthday, when my thunder was stolen by my cute baby brother's baptism. I love the look my baby bro is giving though.

Again, my 5th birthday - that's me with my brother's present - not mine.

Do not laugh at my hair. My parents believed kitchen scissors were the same thing that the pros use.. at supercuts.

Happy Mother's Day beautiful mamas!

Often, when I am reading blogs, as I do on a daily basis, I will easily start to feel a little inadequate (ok, a lot inadequate) as I compare myself to these wonderful mothers, their children, their homes and their lives. I start to narrowly take a look at my life and think, why can't my life be like that? how can it be like that?

I wish my house was constantly spotless, but I will settle for tidy (in most areas).  I wish my children would listen to what I say the first time around, but I will settle for following my directions after the third (or fourth or fifth) try. I wish I was more fashionable, but I will settle for (the appearance of) pulled together, at least on 3 out of 5 work days. I wish things came easier to me and that frustrations would roll off of me as if I had been practicing zen Buddhism for years, but I will settle for being mindful and quiet when I am challenged and understand that it is OK to sometimes walk away from a situation to gain a better perspective.

In a world where we tell our children and ourselves to never settle, sometimes we should do just that (not in everything but in some things).  We tell our children to embrace their individuality.. We try and tell our children to not compare themselves to others and to find in themselves that they are complete and beautiful creatures. Strange how it is much more difficult to embrace my own snippets of (supposed) wisdom as if I somehow don't have anything to learn as well, because I am the adult, I should know better. But the truth is, I sometimes don't. No one is perfect, and if they tell you they are, they're lying and or have a wait staff to help with everything.

It's hard to slow down in our fast paced world. I know I am guilty of this rush rush rush mentality and I can become easily frustrated (with my kids and or husband especially). If I could just remember to stop (collaborate and listen..crap, I mean), take a breath, slow down and be patient, things will seem easier and become simpler. Anyway, I want to slow down a bit more, stop and smell the roses as they say, enjoy the present....

source: Volan in the Sky

Happy Birthday to you mom. I think of you always. You would have been 57 years old and a grandmother of two. One who is named after you, Corazon. Befitting that she has my heart.

My mom always had time to call you, and I don't mean just her children..she always had the time for you. I know, she was a mom so its a given right? I never understood it until I became a mother myself and was fully immersed in it all, the duties, the politics..it really is sometimes a thankless job. It's something that I regret to this day...not thanking her enough, not seeing how aside for her being a mom to me, she was someone's daughter, a wife, a sister, a friend - she was an individual and I was just..being a kid (even until my twenties). Oh the fights we would have. Anyway, I don't dwell much on the negatives but I see it and I think of them only to learn from them, since I have a daughter now. Especially because I have a daughter now.

Mom at her 52nd Birthday

Anyway..MOM - you were (and are) a wonderful mother - don't let anyone tell you otherwise...you have taught me so much, even now..HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!

My mom when she was little - middle girl, age approx. 6?

Mom in her high school or college days? - left picture she is the one on the end at right.

Mom & me circa 1979-80?

Mom & me - aged 14, the 90's can't you tell by my swatch watch!

 Happy Friday to you all...big weekend this is, isn't it? Halloween festivities!

Source: The Trouble with Tribbles by Edward Gorey.

I really wanted to do a whole lot this weekend but it didn't happen. I still have this nasty head cold and I'm just useless in this state. I need a nap, but each opportunity was meet with lethargy. I know, you would think I would just pass out but even taking a nap, was somewhat difficult for me.

Laundry was taken care of and folded, but not put away yet. I didn't even make my bed this morning. That should have been an indication right there that this day was just going to amount to a whole lotta nothing.

Jax ran into his room and I followed behind him with Raima. He asked, please can you close the light (he is after all half Filipino). I obliged. He jumped on his bed and quickly took refuge under the covers. I thought, smart kid. I want to crawl under the covers too. So I joined him along with his sister. We giggled, snuggled and just were a pile of laziness. I told him he had a really comfy bed. He said, well thank you. I like my bed. I like your bed too, I replied.

I didn't want this moment to end. I was hoping that I could nurse Raima to sleep and Jax would take a much needed second nap, since his first was a mere figment and it showed. I closed my eyes for a mere second to savor this moment with my kids. I have a love hate relationship with Sundays. It's one of those days where we have a whole lot of nothing happen, except chores, if they get done at all. But it's also the last day of our weekend. So, when 7:30 rolls around, I get a little sad that my weekend is almost over.

Today definitely catered itself to some melancholy. I finally made the bed though, it just took me 10 hours before getting to it. The kitchen is a mess as is every other room in this house. I just give in. As a fellow mom once told me, embrace the chaos.

{{Chaos}} Let's do this.


Ps. I'm starting to get somewhat behind on posts but I do have a lot lined up for you. Hoping to get to it this week. Bear with me :)

These days, in the morning, Jax does not want to get up (I don't blame him, neither do I).  This morning, he asked me to please turn off the lights (at least he said please!). He was sitting up waiting for me to do this, and when I finally did, he grabbed his cover and slammed his body back onto his bed and said, oh thanks! I told him that tomorrow you can sleep as long as you want. Okay, he said. Tomorrow you don't have to get up early, ok? Okay, mom he responded (ha, we shall see). I continued with getting Raima ready as she was climbing and playing on her toddler bed (that she doesn't sleep in yet, that we got for free off of freecycle) and I caught a glimpse of my mom in the painting that sits in the corner of their room. Her birthday is a week away.

So, as I stared at that painting I made of her, I thought of some things.  Sad, happy, bittersweet things. For awhile, I didn't know what to do with that painting. It's a painting I made when I was 14. Her face with a wreath of bright red carnations atop her head, flanked by my brother and myself as children. A happy looking painting, but I think of her during that time and think, was she really happy then? I've put it away several times and brought it back out again. I tried to put it up here and there not really finding a good home for it. It carries too many memories, but I like looking at it from time to time, so now it sits in the corner of my kids room. So that she's there watching her grandkids. It's also there to remind me to tell my kids about her, since I will be the only opportunity for them to know her.

I pointed to her, to the painting, and asked Jax - do you know who that is? Before he can give me an answer, I tell him. It's your grandma Cora. That's my mom. He says, that's my mama too! No, Jax, I say - it's my mama, she's not here today but if she was she would have loved you soooo much. I love her too, Jax says right away. That's my Grandma, he continues. That's your mom! he exclaims. My heart sung with delight watching him tell me this. So, I kiss my kiddos good bye and tell them I'd see them later. And it was off to work for me..

Happy Friday everyone..(I hope Jax remembers that he can sleep in tomorrow!)

Helping me wash dishes

"I do it myself!"

Redondo Bch Pier, August 2012

Redondo Bch Pier, August 2012

Redondo Bch Pier, August 2012

Making Raima and Mama laugh! - LA trip August 2012

This one's my favorite

I'm going to admit something here, (but maybe I already have?) - I am not a tidy & organized person. I've never been (but people change). Growing up, I hated making my bed (what's the point I would whine to my mom - if I'm going to mess it up again later?) or putting away my clothes (I still hate laundry. I can somehow fold them but putting them away..ugh) or putting anything away back to it's original home when putting it down right where I am was much easier (obviously not easier for my mom). If I could turn back time to undo those bad habits, I would, ok, probably not..but I can undo them by being an example now to my kids, who I hope will not be a pain like I was (who am I kidding? I believe in karma). Because I hate to admit it but - being tidy (not necessarily hospital clean ocd type - which my mom was - or so I thought when I was a kid) is kind of nice. Or rather having a nice, tidy and clean space does wonders..it really does.

Now that I'm a mom, I've realized that being a messy person works against me. So I have tried to, as they say, see the change I want to see. Often I have to remind my husband, I mean, my toddler, where his shoes should go or where his clothes should go (not on the floor, as my mom would say. Oy, so sorry mom!). Sometimes I don't think he quite understands but sometimes, toddlers can surprise you (and, yes, husbands too).

Case in point: Just the other day, I was laying down on the couch and Jax comes over to me..

Jax: Is that where your shoes go? (I'm sorry, what did he just say?) - Jax pointing down to where I can't see anything since I'm laying down (being lazy) -
Me: What?
Jax: Your shoes mama, is that where they go? - (he really did just say that!)
Me: No, you're right, they don't belong there.
Jax laughs and says: Nooo..they go in the cubby.  Silly mama.

I guess the constant asking of - is that where your shoes go? has paid off and it has become standard these days but we all need a little reminding of these things now and then.

Jax has been doing great with potty training. We still put him in diapers overnight only because, well - I don't know.. Most mornings he wakes up dry. He talks so much more these days and to be honest, I can't remember when it was that he didn't talk, it was just harder to understand him, I guess. He's still a funny little entertainer and he has his moments, but so do we.

Modeling the behavior I want to see in my children is often a challenge. I ask him to say please and thank you and excuse me but I know, I often forget to do these things myself. The becoming tidy thing is new to me. I've found that I have become more like my mom in so many ways than I could have ever imagined. On some nights when I can be found in the kitchen, cleaning the counter tops and wiping down the sink, I feel as though my mom is watching me, smiling. When I make my bed in the morning, I think of my mom too. (You were right mom, it does make you feel good!)

Ugh, it's Monday again people. I hate Mondays. Bleh. I was hoping to start a regular post for Mondays on this blog, so music it is..and yes because it starts with M..lame? oh whatever (I'm channeling my 80's).

So when I was watching one of my recorded shows last night - Fringe - I'm a big fan - the episode ended with this Yaz/Yazoo song (signed on as Yaz in the US. Yazoo in the UK). I'm sure most people will understand the longing that is voiced in this song. not sure if the music is for everyone but - I'm a big fan of Erasure and Depeche Mode - so, there you go. In fact, when I heard the first few notes and synths - i was like, hmm - that sounds a lot like Erasure but i know my Erasure songs..and well, at least i got part of it right  (Vince Clark, part of Yazoo/Yaz band - synths guy & former song writer from Depeche Mode, later moved on to form Erasure). I don't know why I haven't yet heard this song - well, maybe in passing - supposedly it was in "Cant Hardly Wait"(remember that movie?).  Anyway, after the episode, I went and searched for the song and found this youtube clip. I just had to hear it again. The words just resonated with me and I thought of my mom. I've been thinking about her a lot more than usual these days. Maybe because her birthday is coming up in October (mine is too). Oh wait, it's OCTOBER already! Whoa..that means, a friend of ours is "due" in a week :) with their first baby.

Anyway, music is a good way to start of the work week, at least for me. I feel as though I've started to listen less to music since having kids though, and I'm not liking that too much. I have a record collection that needs to be listened to and that my kids need to be aware of. Music was such a part of my childhood and I can't believe I haven't started a tradition yet with them.

First thing up on my home agenda = dancing with my kids listening to an Erasure album, turned all the way up ;)

*then I thought, hmm, I wonder if the blogosphere already came up with music mondays - of course they did, of course...you can link up here if you like.

I recently spoke up about motherhood and dealing with my mother's death over here, if you care to listen. I don't mind if you don't since I haven't completely finished listening to it myself - because I'm terrified and nervous that I don't make any sense or that it's just useless drivel. But, you know after that "interview" I felt this sort of release, a relief of sorts. It allowed me to come to terms with my mom's death and what was most surprising was the realization of how much of an easy going mom I came to be..which is NOT how I ever imagined myself becoming or ever being.

If you haven't already visited this parenting site - The Longest Shortest Time - you should. I know there are a lot of parenting blogs out there but this one is articulate, refreshing and just real..not that those other blogs aren't real but anyway, have a gander over there and you'll see what I mean..and as an example, don't start with mine first! Start at the beginning..or not, or whatever. just go over there and check out the stories (podcasts).

Some recent videos:

i love the faces he makes! if you can  believe it, jax is a mere 8 weeks from turning into a toddler (although he pretty much toddles any chance he can get) or what I call part baby part boy (a boyby, if you will). he is absolutely amazing and he really provides much of the strength I have to not fall apart sometimes. like yesterday - which was the 1 year anniversary of my mother's death. its kind of odd to call it an anniversary, why would anyone want to celebrate that? - thats because its really to celebrate the life she did have. i know she is with me in all the parenting that i do. i miss her and i am glad i have jax here to share with him memories of her.

*I forgot to include a link to the annual AFSP walk that we will participate in again this year. Please visit the link and if you can (I know times are tough money wise for everyone) please donate and support this cause. You can even support it by walking with us at the crack of dawn the day after my birthday! Its at Lake Merritt in Oakland on October 16th.

when i get a chance ill scan some photos i stole from my brother when i was in oregon. he had salvaged a box full of photos of us growing up as kids from their move from LA to oregon. theres some real treasures there.

It’s been a really rough couple of days recovering from a tragedy that occurred the previous week. My mother took her own life a mere week after my baby shower, on July 12th. It was devastating to say the least. I had received an email from her only a few days before she went missing and never showed up for work. Nothing was amiss or out of the ordinary and there were no indications of what was to have happened next.

But my Mother was bipolar. All her life before being diagnosed manic depressive in 1994, after what I had thought was her first attempt at suicide, had always suffered with bouts of depression and dissatisfaction of her life. I wrote more about it on my other blog (*which I've sort of abandoned since having a baby).

Since this is my pregnancy blog, I’m gonna try and focus on the effects of this on myself as a mother to be and my growing family. I may occasionally write an open letter to my mom like I started to on my other blog. I am looking on joining a local support group and reading a couple of books, like Mothering Without a Map: The Search for the Good Mother Within and Motherless Mothers: How Mother Loss Shapes the Parents We Become. I find it very therapeutic to publicly write about this even though it is so personal, but in doing so I have already connected with 2 wonderful people who shared their own life experiences with me.

I of course was stressed and didn’t sleep much during the week of July 13th, having to take command and take care of whatever was necessary to get a proper service for my Mom and to handle whatever it was that follows after something like this, because it was the most natural thing for me to do. I was basically running on autopilot, something I had experienced before when something traumatic happens in my life. My Mom had left letters – one to each of her children, one to her husband, one to her sister, one to her mother and even one to my Dad, her ex-husband. She also had two brothers – one older and one younger and well…I’ll just leave it at that.

I suffered only two major breakdowns during the first week, like I said I was running on autopilot mode and being “strong” and mindful of others. The first time I really cried was when I saw her for the first time laid out in her casket. It was uncontrollable and exhausting. My brother was by my side and held me together. The second time was returning home and walking into the nursery room. It was all too much. Baby clothes and diapers that my Mom had given me and then the thoughts of my son never having the chance to meet her. My son would have been her first grandchild and how I regret I never said to my Mom that because of this new stage in my life, the birth of her grandson carried the hope that we would have the relationship that we had both wanted for years.

I took home some of my Mom’s belongings; she never liked to throw anything away it seems. We still haven’t unpacked everything from the car. I know from this day forward I will encounter many questions and a lot of pain over this. Some of which I will not have the answers for at least not right away nor handy coping techniques. Thru all of this Amy and my husband have been a great source of support. Thank you Amy for dropping everything that day and putting your life on hold to drive me down to LA immediately after I heard the news. And thank you to my husband who continues to be my rock during this difficult time. Thank you to the friends and family who sent their love, thoughts, prayers and support. It was all appreciated and needed.

Also to let you know that baby wagner is ok. he is doing well, still head down and healthy. A perfect little petite baby (what our midwife has said). Heartbeat is as strong as ever. I worried that all this would cause terrible repercussions down the line for my son. Would he come out completely unhappy and stressed? Would he ever smile? Etc. Our other midwife had made a great comment about my worries, I only wish I could remember it fully and repeat it here. But they said not to worry, as long as I remind myself and him (while rubbing my belly, of course) that he is loved and safe.

oh, my baby, you are loved and safe. You are loved and safe.