Well, that was weird. It must be a sign! Right? Let me explain. Yesterday (that would be two days ago now, if I actually am able to publish this post today), I was trolling the internet (at my job) and fantasizing about getting a new one. One that would pay a considerable amount more so that we could continue this stay at home dad lifestyle we’ve become accustomed to. But then last night as I settled in and perused the internet on my phone (as I normally do when Jax is drifting off to sleep- please go to sleep?!), I read a post on this blog I go to often. The blogger wrote about how despite the mediocre paycheck she got, the flexibility of her workplace and the awesome people she worked with more than made up for it (I think that’s what she was saying).  As I continued to read the post and exclaimed YES (in my head of course, Jax was sleeping- YAY) at every perk the blogger mentioned, I felt sort of relieved and it calmed my woes and fears of my own mediocre paycheck (not that its terribly mediocre. I have definitely climbed the ranks and in a short amount of time here) because what my workplace lacks in monetary accommodations it more than makes up for it in its people and flexibility. This morning I realized this is sort of a hot button topic, as I found a few more blogs and articles regarding – workplace flexibility. so hot that its taken up residence in the white house. well, figuratively speaking of course.

Anyway, I know I should count my lucky stars that one of us is able to stay home to take care of Jax and that even with my mediocre salary we are able to not only survive but maintain some of our luxuries like having/buying fresh local and or organic produce and live in the house we were in when we were single and a sort of two income household (oh AND have internet and cable!).

My workplace is pretty awesome, in all the ways that the blogger had said hers is. My boss knows my husband by name and asks about Jax on a daily basis. He even likes it when they drop by so he can hold and play with him. It helps that he is a father also (He has a daughter who is 10). His wife schedules lunches with us outside of work and we go on hikes together. We get invited to weddings and definitely have birthday cakes at our office for employee birthdays- although we seem to always forget our boss' birthday (i know, terrible) until after the day. It's really a relaxed atmosphere. There is no dress code and I feel comfortable with having my tattoos out in the open. I also get home at a reasonable time (by 5 pm) and weekends are all mine. Work is left at work (but my brain has a hard time understanding this sometimes). I know that in other larger companies of the same trade, someone in my position could have a company car, maybe a company credit card for expenses and also earn $10K to $20,000 more annually (and now with my newly acquired credential, it could be more)- but then again that same person in that larger company may not have a job right now in this economy or never even had the wonderful perks that I have here. In many ways the rewards are priceless. Some of which we won't know or can define until Jax is much older or when we actually have to go to a two income family to compare it to.

But still, I fantasize when we both can stay at home and not have to seriously work just to make ends meet. For now we pull on those ends and make a knot. And sometimes when those knots get undone, I unravel and worry about how we will get by and then I fantasize about getting a new higher paying job. its a vicious cycle.

right now i should be enjoying my one hour uninterrupted nap, since i asked cw to please take the baby. and i said that endearingly, really i did. but unfortunately the stupid ghetto birds are flyin up above and making a whole hullabaloo like a crazy crack fiend looking for their next fix.

so, ive been quite cranky lately, which cw can attest to. we've even gotten into a few arguments. and it all boils down to this = im a mother. and being a mother, you cant turn it off. not to say you can turn off being a father but, there are certain perks a father enjoys that a breast feeding mother cant. so, in order to not be under attack from a cranky partner (me). i thought id make a list for a go to remedy of my crankiness. but you see, if he had read those parenting books i got a long time ago, he would have found a few tips before ever needing any type of solution. sure we're all in this together, right? and by together i mean you should suffer from lack of sleep just as much as i am. im kidding. ok, no not really. ive heard from other mothers, okay i read it in their blogs. what helps them so here are suggestions to other new parents if you so need some solutions:

it would be nice if you could do this for your partner (like me!) ever so often, so that she doesnt go crazy on you, the baby and your relationship: give her at least 1-3 hours "off" at least once a day, or even twice a week (or more would be great). so that she has time to and for herself for whatever she wants. that's it. its that simple. how do you do this is up to you. here are my suggestions:

1. pay attention to your baby's fussiness during the night and get up to tend to him or her. be the one to change his diaper - even if its 2 am and if your wife pumped, then let it be your turn to feed the baby, rock them back to sleep, and place them back to bed.
2. pay attention to your wife's fussiness. if she is extra cranky, take initiative and tend to the baby without being asked to. hang out with your baby without mommy for up to 3 hours, especially if the baby has nursed already. go for a walk, or just another room. just let her have some time to herself.
3. surprise her - with anything: a clean bathroom, or a clean kitchen, or all the dishes clean, a tidy living room, or bringing home take out for dinner. or simply when you get home, taking the baby from her.

remember she can't take a day off like you can or go out and do the things you do on a regular basis. even when you give her these precious few hours to herself, she is still thinking and perhaps worrying about the baby and its only naturally that even sometimes, after only an hour has passed - she wants to take the baby in her arms and snuggle and chomp on his cheeks..i mean you know, love him.

its nice when cw purposely asks to be cut early so he can come home and hang out with us, or when he puts aside his other commitments to stay an extra hour or two at home before he has to go to work just so we can all hang out or so i can eat. its the little things...i love you cw, and i know you are doing your best because you are the best. its all new to the both of us including lil jax and it just takes time to get into the groove of things.

okay my hour is up.

yesterday on the bus, on my way home a woman sits next to me talking on her cell phone loudly (is there any other way?). I am sitting next to the window and her by the aisle. My stop is coming up, I clearly make a scene as if to say - hey lady, look out I will be getting off at the next stop. I shuffle a bit, press the stop button, gather my bag and prepare to get up. does the lady move over or get up to let me thru? no, of course not. she is still too busy talking loudly on her celly. the bus finally does stop and im like all right lady, im coming thru. i guess she hadnt realized i was a huge annoyed pregnant woman trying to get off the bus. does she move? NO. so instead, she gropes my ass as to shield herself from my big pregnant ass falling on top of her, i suppose. i really do not understand why the fuck she could not even just swing her damn legs over so i can get off. and by the way, its on ac transit on one of the higher seats, so there is a platform i have to get off of before making it to the actual aisle. ugh, i hate people.

and this morning, i told work i would be coming in at 9 instead of 8. i didnt sleep much (what's new?) and was feeling achy and crampy this morning. i rush to catch the bus and actually made it on time to get the earlier one and right at 40th & broadway, a technician gets on the bus and holds up the bus to fix the fare machine for like 20 minutes or so. and im thinking to myself, damn it - i could have made myself breakfast and caught the later bus. this would of course only happen to me.

I am so ready to not have to go to work anymore. i cant believe i thought i could last all the way up to my due date. really cherlyn, really? kudos to those who do! but i want to throw in the towel and enjoy lazy days and get sleep before all of it changes. 1 more week!

so i am signed up on a few baby sites and they send you a weekly thing to update you on what the hell is going on with your body and baby. one of which also sends me a weekly digest of posts that other preggos post and some of these are just, um, how do i say this nicely? mind boggling.

for instance, something like this:

first symptoms???? help?

so, i usually have my period like clockwork and it hasn't come yet. what are the normal symptoms of pregnancy? it seems like i go to the bathroom all the time and my boobs really hurt. could i be pregnant?

my answer: dude, fucking take a home pregnancy test.

or many posts that tell of strange symptoms or rashes and they are asking other people advice on what it could be. to which my answer is - call your fucking doctor.

or questions about maternity leave (which is different in each state) to which i say - go ask your HR person, dude. or google the family leave act for your state. I'm just baffled, not to say i am any kind of expert on pregnancy, childbirth, breastfeeding or motherhood, but i am the type to research and take in good as well as bad information (there are of course tons out there, especially when you google it). and shouldn't you if you don't really know what is going on? and if not, hell breakdown and ask your mom, sister or aunt? which i guess is why these preggos post to other preggos, but seriously some of them are like dude, you should know the answer! call your doctor, take a pregnancy test, stop having sex and breeding - i mean, im kidding. sorry, i didnt mean that (perhaps just a little). anyway, sometimes i think just like we have a drivers license test, we should have some sort of are you fit to be a parent test. i actually don't know if i would pass one myself. so there, im an idiot too. and dont even get me started on octomom.

anyways, we have another appointment with the midwife on Friday to which I think we will get to hear the baby's heartbeat. im not sure if i was supposed to record what i was eating like i had done the last time but even if i had, i would be scolded. i have not been eating properly as of late. its hard at work. i need to get a timer to jolt me to eat.

this week/weekend i think i will start packing up the 2nd bedroom and get it ready to have it be a blank slate for the nursery. im starting to feel crafty again, not necessarily motivated but getting there. i ordered a full body pregnancy pillow as well as those belly bands. cant wait to try them out. i also think i am going to start knitting. yeah, me?! i had first learned to knit when i was like 7 or 8 and made many a scarf and thats about it. but id like to make something like this:

or something spectacular like these things. beautiful aren't they? but i have never been one to follow instructions or even a pattern (at least store bought patterns).