(this was something i had been working on to post a few days back, and *today i just got around to finishing it. sort of)

baby - 1 week old (*now he's 12 days old)- jax is such a cute little bugger (and yes some would say i am biased) so it's really difficult to set him down when he's passed out and get to writing on the blog again. *but i have been trying to since i dont want him to get used to always being held and only know to sleep in that manner. for the past 4 nights it has been great, he is finally sleeping thru the night (which only means 5 hours straight before a feeding) we usually go to bed around 11. he wimpers around 2 am (since he knows he eats every 3 hours) but can soothe himself back to sleep and then around 4 he gets a bit of boob and back to sleep again for another 3 hours..and knock on wood, its still happening that way. before, during the day was the only time he was conked out and at night he would pass out for about an hour and become fussy once you laid him down. cw's mom has been here since his birth to help out around the house (really she does it all while i pay attention to baby and me) and allow me to heal and take a break when i need to, which has been a blessing, but if anyone knew me - they would be astonished at how i am doing with someone else around doing things for me, because as people who know me well, know im a loner type and well, like to do things by my own self and am stubborn about it. but then again i am the type to not ask for help when help is needed. i know if she wasnt around i wouldnt have healed as fast as i have been. im starting to feel like my old self - well kind of, old self is not really the right use of words. starting to feel the non pregnant me and feeling as if my body is getting to know this new phase of itself. anyway, i started calling the two of them as cw squared (amy actually coined the term) because they are so alike in many ways but then again different too. cw has become very protective of me in the days after the birth. i told him id like him to write his version of the birth here and hopefully soon he will. i know i need to get it down too before i forget.

me - 1 week postpartum - a couple with a 20 month old and expecting their 2nd child commented on how i seem so calm and collected in comparison to what they remember when they first had their son. Funny, a couple of days before jax was born a friend of cw's said that i was the most relaxed pregnant woman she had ever seen given the fact that i could go into labor any day now...and you all know i did. *ive always wanted kids. ive always thought i would be a mother. i havent freaked out quite yet but i am enjoying every moment of it. it weirds me out still cause to think that one year ago today, well i wasnt even pregnant and just getting the hang of a stable relationship. its been a whirlwind i tell ya and im still whirling..

so yeah, baby blues is often talked about during these first few weeks and months especially when your milk comes in and if more serious could extend into postpartum depression. And of course, i have a family history of depression, so i would be more prone to suffering from it. I dont have any of the baby blues, i do however when the thought crawls in - think of my mother and i can cry uncontrollably for a bit. when i look down at jax after a feeding and he smiles or even laughs - i say, my mom is playing with you isnt she? and it breaks my heart and as i write this tears are streaming down my face. it hurts to say the least. sometimes i think to myself - if she had waited..and so on and so forth. not really angry but i dont know just empty i suppose. i also feel partly guilty. like i said cw's mom has been here and of course was here for the birth. and all that she has done and been able to do and see. and so i think of my own mother - how she wont ever get to experience any of it. and i know one of the last things we had a little spat about was the fact that i didnt ask her to be present at the birth. and now, knowing it all would i have changed my mind and asked her to be present at the birth? probably not, my reasoning is still the same, but its not to say that i never wanted her to be around. to tell you the truth though, looking back at the birth i really had no clue what i needed and would have needed or wanted so yeah it would have been great for her to be there but i dont think she would have been able to handle the sight of me in that state and would have worried too much and probably wanted me to go to the hospital or try to alleviate the pain in anyway possible. *a couple of days ago, as cw was preparing to leave for work i started to cry. i didnt want him to leave. i just got all emotional and he was like you want to talk about it. but sometimes the tears are just there and there really arent any words to go along with it. i love jax, i love my new family - i just wish that my mom was here to share it all with me. if only she held out longer, maybe it would have changed her mind about her life. when it all happened - her suicide and the circus that erupted afterward, part of me didnt feel or couldnt feel anything anymore. i guess i didnt know what to do with all those feelings except to set them aside since i had to be in control and take care of things and now after baby jax, all these emotions fueled by my hormones have definitely come out to play. anyway..and to top all of this off, my best friend amy is moving to colorado for a long while and maybe for good. we both havent talked about it and its happening like NOW, her last visit is this sunday :( - again, bottling it up so we dont breakdown crying but i am so glad she was there for the birth and she has been there for me in all my milestones. now, ill just have to send her pictures and updates of jax's milestones. and really, what is up with people wanting to move to colorado? aren't they having a snow storm? you know, its nice and sunny and cool in oakland where we live.