day job

sometimes...

12:31 PM

images from Easter brunch with the Chessey's
you know. i've really just about had it with today, and it's only 9 am. 

for one, I am really, really (let me emphasize that again with another - really) getting tired of the business practices at my day job. but I guess that's not really new. today though was just A LOT to handle. I need to learn to not take it personal but if i do leave here. i'm sort of embarrassed to be associated with the company. It wasn't always this way. But lately..A LOT lately

second, i dont know why i even bother to read political debates and especially, their comments. it gets my blood boiling, i tell you. the nerve of some people when they have NO CLUE and just think it's an easy fix or  whatever it maybe without fully knowing what the situation, laws and all, are about. and then to use a group of people as scapegoats - and im sorry but, sometimes it starts to sound a little hitler-ish. seriously. 

anyway. in other news, i've been catching up on editing some past galleries but some people don't realize that  it takes a long time to edit and actually receive images. for paying clients, i always try and deliver before the target 2-3 week goal and will usually deliver within a week of the session and a blog post within a day or two. but when i had my portfolio building shoots where in exchange for the work all the talent is providing, we put in time, talent and exchange images and experience instead of bucks, but because of life and my other jobs, i haven't been able to deliver to a couple of the models from one session. i have completed what i had edited and used for my portfolio and did give the link to that, but i havent gone thru the remainder of the 1000 images. And I know i should just edit away and deliver those because i owe it to them to. besides, i am only about 1-2 weeks behind (which is really like 3-4 weeks in total - which egads, is pretty bad. sorry) on that note- I just need to lock myself in the office and do it already. The thing is, I feel like the just think- you shoot the images, and then you give those images and thats it, but thats not it. even if you get everything right straight out of the camera (sooc) there still needs to be some editing done - for one, i shoot in raw...anyway, this is an entirely different post altogether..i wanted to rant. so rant i did..bleh

so in real news, day 2 of the share the bedroom project with the kids is going well - at least for me. i had our king sized bed all to myself again last night, while it looks like charlie ended up at the foot of Jax's bed again. as i got ready this morning, i let them sleep. isn't that nice of me? but before i left, jax did wake up so i got to give him some unwanted snuggles and kisses.

raima woke up again in the middle of the morning and cried this time while heading to our bedroom. we nursed of course and snuggled for a bit before charlie took her back to her room. all of it started to sink in actually and thoughts of having a third little one snuck into my head. after all, they wont be little for long, i thought. sigh. if only it were that simple and money were no object or life's responsibilities werent so daunting sometimes.

anyway, i had this hairbrained idea that i threw out to charlie last night, while we got to sit together and cuddle (read: connect) while we watched tv without the kidlets (one great thing now that the share the bedroom project has taken place). i thought, hey let's buy a used rv/trailer that is part rv and part food truck and have our own food truck race. we'll travel with the kids, meet people and provide fun and food and take pictures and blog about it along the way! the money we make from the stay at a particular city would get us to the next city and we would survive off of the road trip this way. we'd blog about it and live as nomads. frankly, the more i think about it the more awesome it starts sounding. oh wait, but first we need to have money. right right. you think i could get a kickstarter started for it? HA! man, that's like all sorts of dreams imagined and realized all rolled up into one. sigh, if that could actually happen. we could homeschool or road school for the most part but if we did it now, and for only a few years we could easily enroll the kids in public school ..anyway, i need to pull myself down back to earth, i know.

ok..back to the grind..rant over.

Currently {Link Up}

Rants, Ramblings & Tangents, OH MY!

3:00 PM

Sorry,  I know that was really terrible of me to try and be clever like that with the title and be so corny. So anyhoo...Currently, I am working on designing an e-commerce website that sells handbags. I even got to pick out a handbag to take home AND was taken out to lunch (and ate al fresco!) where I enjoyed an adult conversation instead of my normal work day behind a desk in an office office! This is for my boss’ wife, so it was all during my regular working hours. Technically, they are getting me for cheap since normally, my design services are at a much higher rate (who am I kidding, whenever I have done it for friends – it has been either for dinner, trade or free. It’s hard to charge your friends because you want to help them succeed. How do you charge for that? Obviously if this was my bread and butter – I probably wouldn’t have issues about charging!).


It was really hard to choose just. one. bag. Looking around her inventory, I had picked out at least 5 that I liked, and then found some more laying about and ended up with a nice sort of satchel bag (but now I wish I got this one instead, cause black just goes with everything). I have yet to use it because, I feel like a fraud in it. It's just too stylish for my normal work clothes, which is jeans and a oil stained t-shirt!.

You know, before kids, I was pretty fashion forward. I dressed up most of the time, not necessarily for the office, but I was definitely more fashionable in my everyday wear (I did go to fashion design school and was addicted to magazines & blogs) and didn't hesitate to wear some red lipstick and high heels now and then, even at the office. I did regular stops at all the thrift stores and other secret shops with a girlfriend of mine (who sadly, I don't hang out with anymore - it's the kids, I tell ya! No, it's me - I just don't go out anymore nor have the disposable income I never had in the first place). I had a closet full of vintage dresses, tons of shoes, bags and belts. I loved belts! But now? I probably wear only 2 pairs of shoes - my salt water sandals and a pair of grey oxford style shoes. And bags, I have a few but they just stay in the closet. I don't know what it is, it isn't that difficult to dress a bit nicer or wear make up since it only takes me about an extra 10 mins, even though I use the excuse of wanting more sleep instead of making me look pretty..but really, 10 minutes!? Don't I owe it to myself to feel good about myself? 10 minutes of less sleep is not a huge sacrifice..(that's almost an hour a week though..I'm just sayin')

Anyway, back to my BK (before kids) closet- I had to downsize in order to move from my expanse of a 1 bedroom apartment into a shoebox of a place that my now husband but then boyfriend had at the time. I ended up having to either put stuff in storage and or just get rid of everything. Sadly, I got rid of A LOT of stuff. I was also starting to see how I was beginning to hoard onto things (broken things I said I would fix, clothing that I like but didn't fit, or scraps of fabric I said I could use to make something with but never did etc..).and I didn't need that, nor did I want that. I wanted to start fresh and new when we moved in together. When we moved to the east bay and found a place together (that I fell in love with), all the crooked 50+ steps leading to our front door deterred me from ever getting any more street treasures or wear high heels ever again. Then came kids, and another move, and another kid and..well, I just never got back around to rebuilding my wardrobe (yeah, and with what money?!) and really with rebuilding that motivation I once had to just take care of myself because I was so busy taking care of everyone else.

 Sometimes what's hard for me is,  I think that people would think - if I do look really pulled together then did that mean I took less time for my kids? People don't think that do they? Yeah, they do. Apparently, because I just thought it (tsk tsk). But they can just change my babies dirty diapers with those dirty looks..(again these are just thoughts in my head..or what are they called again? oh, right, excuses!) or since everyone by now has gotten used to sloppy old me,  that when I do pull myself together, like oh just wear nice jewelry one day - everyone is like weirded out. But you know what? Who cares. I need to do it for me. I care. For me. Not them. FOR ME. Happy me = Happier mama = a happy family, right?

 So, from now on I am going to make a better effort of taking care of myself. I am going to wake up earlier (hmm, I should probably get to bed earlier too) so that I can give myself time to, oh I don't know, eat breakfast (my usual meal is a cup of joe)! And actually find matching pairs of socks..although, I happened to have liked the mismatched look I sported today - thanks IG'ers..

 Anyway, I hope you all take the time to take care of yourselves..maybe you are all better at it than I am. What do you all do, how do you do it? How do you give yourself a little time, a little break, a little treat? 

 P.S. Tips appreciated.. :) (BTW..i tried this morning to get up a whole hour before everyone, it didn't quite work as I planned but it won't deter me..I just need to get to bed much earlier!)

HK

rants

Fears

2:00 PM


well, i had this whole thing about my fears (of not having a job when my maternity leave is over) written up all beautifully (ok, maybe not all that beautiful) but then it was erased when i added the pictures...and now raima is crying and so no time to rewrite it (ugh, how annoying) im sure you guys are fine with just the pictures but grrr..it really helped me to write it out and put it all out there..and to see what you guys would think, am i being irrational? ugh, oh well..

(lack of) sleep

Good bye 2009

3:20 PM

2010 is eek, TOMORROW and as I look back and reflect on the roller coaster ride that was my 2009, i cant help but feel that it was still an amazing yet exhausting year. Life is full of ups and downs. I experienced the very essence of each within months of each other.

I hope this new year will be loaded with new and great experiences of joy, love, laughter and all the nuggets in between.

Lets see, this past year:

- i got pregnant

- got married

- lost my mom

- became a mom

- had friends move to another state

- and became the sole breadwinner of my family

because this is still a new transition, the effects of living off of a single income hasnt been felt yet. but by this time next year, i am sure we will know the somewhat rewarding yet ugly truth of it.

and what exactly are we going to do tonight? two weeks ago, i had high hopes of actually going out and celebrating. and then the reality of it started to sink in. which only had me feel even more tired. the planning part was exhausting. cw's mom was gonna be up visiting and taking care of jax. looking around for events and then realizing that i would probably never make it passed 10 o' clock (11, if im lucky, and 9 if wine is involved!) helped me decide on NOT spending more than 25 bucks a person. and then thinking about how tired i would be even if i did go out and listened to music, helped me decide on just watching a movie. so it was settled, we were gonna watch a movie. but then this morning, as the 8 hour total sleep i got in the past two days sunk in, i thought - hey, how about SLEEP? we can do that for 3 hours straight, right? and still have cw's mom watch jax. still, its more stressful than stress reducing. i still have to prepare for being away, like trying topump an extra bottle - just in case. but then im afraid of jax being overfed just so his fussiness could be controlled. and then fearing my boobs will cry for mercy at the end of the movie. and then and then..oh just shut it and enjoy yourself cherlyn.

Have a HAPPY NEW YEAR everyone! I hope this new year will bring in more...SLEEP, oh and you know all the other good stuff.

* yes, i know the one photo doesnt necessarily reflect 2009 but hey, i just needed to show myself as a baby since the end of 2009 is when i started to feel like the year i became an adult.

**Oh, and ps. its a blue moon tonight! Blue moon, now im no longer alone...

26 weeks

puritanical

10:58 AM

So I tried to join this parents connect thing online and I am surprised I lasted so calmly while repeatedly filling in the same god damn information at least ten times because for some stupid reason, whoever designed the form and code neglected to figure in that if you checked off mom to be and put in a due date, that the requirement of putting your child’s name and birth date on the following question would be fucking retarded. It was perplexing and I was like – why am I even bothering with this? Well cause it was fucking bothering me. So, I tried to circumvent it. There was a remove button on the child thing, so I did that but then forgot to retype my password, so then I did it all over again and yeah that didn’t fucking work..and then anyways, yeah I don’t know why I did it over and over and over..it was just stupid. So I did the next best thing – fucking sent off an email to them telling them they were stupid. okay, breathe….sigh..its the little things, you know?

So, in my first trimester and still now, I was overloaded with advice from books, people and so forth. Yesterday, I think I got my first positive look from a stranger and was greeted with a smile. Of course this came from a mom herself so there you go. But mostly I get kind of weird looks, like they’re dumbfounded at the site of a tattooed pregnant woman. Already I am apparently off to a “bad” start – which is weird seeing how so many people in the bay area are tattooed and so many people in the bay area are well you know, loose. Ok, maybe loose isn’t the right term, I mean liberal. So anyway, back to that advice stuff..on stuff you aren’t supposed to eat or do or whatever. After awhile you just get tired of it, and less and less guilty and just throw caution out the window (i know the idiom is throw caution to the wind but, whatever, sometimes american idioms dont make complete sense to me) - I eat hot dogs, regularly if I could. I eat deli meats in a sandwich smothered with sometimes regular ol’ mayonnaise, but I make sure to warm the deli meat so that it’s “steaming”. I eat chicken Cesar salads. I lift things, move furniture around, at least when I get the urge to (re)decorate. I lift my hands up above my head (apparently, an old wives tale on how to strangle your baby in utero). I eat fish (but yes of course I avoid the ones with known higher levels of mercury – babies need Omega 3’s & DHA which is abundant only in fish (oil)! Though flax seed offers a different type), and yes, occasionally I even eat sushi (just the deep fried stuff). One thing I still haven’t gotten out of my head and surrendered to is eating delightful eggs benedicts, which happens to be my favorite thing in the world for brunch. I just can’t get it out of my head that its “bad” and its been like 26 weeks since my last eggs benedict – probably more..sigh..so I have decided, perhaps this weekend I will just live on the edge and make it at home or something. Oh I can just taste it now..glorious poached eggs, yummy creamy fattening hollandaise atop avocados AND bacon (yes, bacon) on top of a crisp yet moist English muffin – wait, or a buttery biscuit?..oh yeah, that sounds good. besides, im well past my 1st and almost past my 2nd trimester (I have about another 2 weeks!). I will not be a puritan no more.

Damn it, im hungry.

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