Finally right? well i have a bit of time to myself cause cw has jax and im also trying to ignore his whimpering and fussing and just letting cw figure it out and handle it. since hes gonna have to figure it out sooner or later how to handle all thats required when you are taking care of a baby all by yourself because come december its his turn to be the stay at home parent.

so trying to recollect what had transpired on the eventful day/days when jax was born is sort of difficult for two reasons - one, cause well you really do forget, perhaps to fool you into thinking you can do it all over again in a jiffy, because it really wasnt that bad. second, i kind of feel like i could have done better...i know, crazy right? not that i failed or anything but that i could have been better? my midwives have asked me a few times how i felt about the birth now that its all over and done with and i always answer with a shrug. sort of embarrassed to say what i truly am afraid of - that i didnt do so well. that they think i didnt do so well. i know - that is completely crazy..so anyway..i know thats just all in my head because how can something like that go perfect. how can something like that be anything but empowering. i know, im just being negative and being a debbie downer. what could i have done to have the way it was be better? nothing. even the doubt that i experienced during it, is completely normal and actually to be expected. if i hadnt taken a birth class, that doubt i had would have scared me to pieces and i may not have done as well as i did because the birth class taught me that - that doubt is part of the process. doubting that i cant do this thing that women have been doing, well since the human race has existed, is a sign that, im almost to the finish line.

On wednesday, i went into work for a meeting and did some work at home. on thursday, amy, roz and i went to russian river (i loved swimming when i was pregnant- and no, thats a root beer..but some people drink a bit of alcohol to sort of induce labor~!?) and on friday sept. 11 starting at 5 am i started to feel cramps - like semi intense menstrual cramps. these were more intense then what i had felt in the earlier weeks, to the point that it had me wonder. that and the fact that we were one day away from the due date. but in the back or rather in the front of my mind i didnt think it was anything to consider because my midwife had said he hadnt even dropped into the pelvis and once that happened it could be 2 days to 10 days before his birth. i walked it off and tried to sleep it off but i would wake up when they would return - a sign that it could be something..but not the thing? i really didnt know. i got up around 9ish with cw as he prepared to go to work and i told him, im feeling a bit crampy. he went off to work around 11ish and the cramps continued. they started to pick up around 1 to the point that i thought i should at least start looking up if this is early labor or what. then i started to time it using this contraction master (which is also available as an app on an iphone). it was still pretty erratic but not really and it was at every 7 mins and then it hit pretty steadily to every 5 minutes (typically, when they are 5 mins apart, last 1 min and last for an hour,this is called the ol' 5-1-1 and they want you to go to the hospital, but since i was having a home birth - well, i was already where i should be. ) . by this time i had texted my midwife and she was elated but still said to hang in there. i dont think she even believed it to be the real thing. my midwife ended up being able to stop by and check on me and my vajayjay and i was 1 cm dilated but my cervix was definitely softer and pliable and farther back then a week before. but even then i still think she wasnt too sure. i asked her, so when should i call you - to which she replied - if they come every 3 minutes, last 1 minute and go on for 1 hour, so 3-1-1 - then call me.

at this point, the new birth tub we got hadnt been put together since the other one we had leaked because we just got it that day! and cw was at work. yes, why did he go to work in the first place? i dont know..he didnt believe it himself i guess that soon we were having a baby. oh and my water never broke. its not like in the movies where you water breaks so you know its the real deal (only 5-10% of womens water break) and then you turn to the dad to be and say - honey, its time...yeah, it doesnt work that way, at least it didnt for me. around 5 i texted cw and said, any chance you can come home sooner? - cause if i waited for him to get off at his normal time, he would be home a little past midnight. turned out i didnt need the birth tub anyway - i found comfort in our shower more. the temperature of the birth tub was never hot enough for me to find comfort in it. i spent maybe half and hour in the tub and didnt know what to do with myself when i was pushing thru a contraction. i really think it had something to do with the temperature.

cw did leave work early and when he arrived, i could hear him rush up the steps and tell the neighbors with gusto - i think we're on! this was around 6ish in the evening of sept. 11th and he went quickly to work on putting the tub together, while timing my contractions. we soon got to the 3-1-1 and called our midwives. cw's mom came around 9 or 10 as did my friend amy - at this point i had lost all track of time and was completely enveloped in LABOR and my contractions and lost track of people coming and going. i think my eyes had rolled to the back of my skull and kind of stayed that way throughout.

apparently there was a thunderstorm going on, complete with amazing lightning shows. cws mom and amy had been hoping and crossing their fingers that jax wouldn't make his appearance until after midnight so as not have his birthday be on sept. 11th. most if not all of my laboring took place in the bathroom, with me sitting on the toilet because this was the most comfortable position for me. i didnt think about it afterward, but there i was in the bathroom for hours and hours - not allowing others to use it if they needed to. oh and since i was strep b positive, i had to have an iv of antibiotics put in me during active labor. so the midwives attempted to do so, and attempted to do so several times with no success of getting a vein. i was poked several times and didnt mind it one bit - i was fully concentrating on my contractions to even be bothered by the poking. i remember them asking me if i wanted to go to the hospital to get this going. i said no immediately since i knew once i was there, i would go thru the hospital system and have the baby. by this time i was exhausted, cw was exhausted.

our midwives had us try and rest - yeah, me? rest? how? well, between contractions. at this point, not knowing how much time had passed, i thought to myself - how much longer..i really cant do this anymore..have i hit the wall? when and where is transition? and then i kept thinking - man, if i had said yes to the hospital this would probably be over by now, i would have my baby. and man, i really do understand why women get the epidural. this is where i started to feel like i couldnt do it. i couldnt do this anymore. by this time we were back in the bedroom, me on all fours on our bed with cw passed out on one side and one of my midwives sitting on a chair on the other (they took turns too, one would sleep and one would keep watch). apparently i did get some rest, thats what my midwife told me anyway- i probably was snoring! anyway, like i said i really started to doubt myself and wanted to have it be over with. this is where pamela anderson popped into my head. yes, plastic busted, baywatch babe married to tommy lee and had a sex tape pamela anderson. where i thought - if pamela anderson can do this (she had birthed her kids at home) you better believe you can do it cherlyn. dont wimp out now. PAMELA ANDERSON DID THIS TOO. YES YOU CAN DO IT. PAMELA ANDERSON! fucking pamela anderson did this, you really want to wimp out now?

well..ill have to write the rest of it another day..gotta get back to the baby!!! will answer some reader questions too - and if you have any questions - leave a comment!