quote is from Steve Maraboli, Life, the Truth, and Being Free

So..I've gone back and forth on something that weighs heavy on me. The pressure I feel from this, moving forward has taken a toll on me, in that, last night, I had the worst back/shoulder spasms I've ever had in my life (and I have a high tolerance of pain and don't try to display that I am even in pain at all) and today I can barely move because my back has pretty much given out.

I have this opportunity to be a seasonal photographer for another photographer. The actual seasonal job is not in my style (school/sport photography) but the opportunity is huge. I am interested in the experience, the networking capabilities, and the opportunity to second shoot and assist on her wedding gigs as well as learn from her photography business & marketing as a whole. The problem is - the gigs are during the week. AND it is seasonal. I was thinking of getting another PT job to make up for it but then we'd really be in trouble money wise.

An additional thing I have weighing on me is - I have this HUGE opportunity to second shoot a wedding in June for a wedding photographer that I greatly admire. His work is just outstanding, as well as his story on how he became a photographer himself. I reached out to him in an email and to my surprise he answered AND gave me a second shooting opportunity. I am still in awe over it. The only catch was - he is a Canon shooter. I am a Nikon shooter. He wanted me to get my hands on some Canon gear. And so, I did (which probably impacted my body and pocket book more than the seasonal photography decision) - that like cost us a good chunk of money that we don't have. But did I tell him this? Did I say no? Eff NO! I'd be an idiot not see seize this opportunity.

Anyway, enough about problems because despite these issues there is a lot of good, a lot of opportunity and a lot of happy going on..

And as soon as I finished writing all of the above..I get an email from Charlie with - Hey wanna second shoot a wedding this Saturday?

WHAT?! Yeah! Yup, it's like that. AND Charlie got a tutoring gig too!

Watching some more Sue Bryce tonight (she is absolutely uh-mazing) - and read this from her blog:

“Business is an equal amount of pleasure and pain (but we judge it by our pain) You will become as successful as the amount of pain you are prepared to endure” - John Demartini

So bring it! I'ma take it. I'll show you! *shakes fist in air*

**BTW: If you've never heard of CreativeLive - YOU SHOULD CHECK IT OUT!! It is a free learning resource full of wonderful amazing goodies - topics like Photography, Design, Business, Lifestyle (relationships/health). They have live workshops that are free during the internet broadcast or you can pay for the workshop to be played whenever you like (paid courses have worksheets or anything else for the course that is necessary).

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Lots and lots happening. Sometimes a little too fast and a little too much. Seriously, when "they" say: be careful what you wish for...they really mean it. I've been struggling with the decision to quit or at least go part time at my desk job (and fantasizing and thinking oh if only this were to happen or if that - it'll be a sign) and just when I decide I was going to give it my all again at the desk job while still pursing my dreams because this was the best and smartest plan/route for my family right now..this did happened and definitely that happened too..I don't know. I'm pretty tied up in knots right now. I really don't know what to do.

It really makes sense to stick to my job for now, and to continue burning the midnight (and 2 am) oil working on making my dreams a reality. I started reading this book called Quitter: Closing the Gap Between Your Day Job & Your Dream Job by Jon Acuff, and it's pretty good so far, so we shall see..

This is where I start to really get down on myself and think - wow, I really wasted a good decade of my life partying and or doing a lot of failed attempts at what I wanted for myself because I either wasn't valuing myself and got all mixed up with a boy and figured out all too late that - saving money would be good. I always hated money, but probably because I never had it. I never emphasized the need or importance of money because I know that what's important can't be bought - but you know, money sure does help on a lot of things. Of course my family is important, but the roof over our heads is pretty important too, not to mention the food on our table, the clothes on our backs etc..

Sigh..anyway, it's all good. I mean, these are good problems (sort of). It always could be worse and I'm pretty sure someone else out there with worse is doing better so it doesn't help to wallow and spend my energy on what I can't do, what I can't control. That's just a waste of valuable time. It's not a road block, it's just new terrain.

Anyway...I have an old post I've been meaning to publish - have you all heard of the liebster award? I've heard of it but also knew it wasn't really an award, per se, I mean - what are you awarded with? Anyway, I've been meaning to write about it and at least keep my end of the deal..

*One of the links is an affiliate link, if you click on the link it will direct you to the amazon page where, if you choose to purchase, I will get a (very small) percentage for leading you to that site and you purchasing. You're price does not change due to this affiliate link.

images from Easter brunch with the Chessey's

you know. i've really just about had it with today, and it's only 9 am. 

for one, I am really, really (let me emphasize that again with another - really) getting tired of the business practices at my day job. but I guess that's not really new. today though was just A LOT to handle. I need to learn to not take it personal but if i do leave here. i'm sort of embarrassed to be associated with the company. It wasn't always this way. But lately..A LOT lately

second, i dont know why i even bother to read political debates and especially, their comments. it gets my blood boiling, i tell you. the nerve of some people when they have NO CLUE and just think it's an easy fix or  whatever it maybe without fully knowing what the situation, laws and all, are about. and then to use a group of people as scapegoats - and im sorry but, sometimes it starts to sound a little hitler-ish. seriously. 

anyway. in other news, i've been catching up on editing some past galleries but some people don't realize that  it takes a long time to edit and actually receive images. for paying clients, i always try and deliver before the target 2-3 week goal and will usually deliver within a week of the session and a blog post within a day or two. but when i had my portfolio building shoots where in exchange for the work all the talent is providing, we put in time, talent and exchange images and experience instead of bucks, but because of life and my other jobs, i haven't been able to deliver to a couple of the models from one session. i have completed what i had edited and used for my portfolio and did give the link to that, but i havent gone thru the remainder of the 1000 images. And I know i should just edit away and deliver those because i owe it to them to. besides, i am only about 1-2 weeks behind (which is really like 3-4 weeks in total - which egads, is pretty bad. sorry) on that note- I just need to lock myself in the office and do it already. The thing is, I feel like the just think- you shoot the images, and then you give those images and thats it, but thats not it. even if you get everything right straight out of the camera (sooc) there still needs to be some editing done - for one, i shoot in raw...anyway, this is an entirely different post altogether..i wanted to rant. so rant i did..bleh

so in real news, day 2 of the share the bedroom project with the kids is going well - at least for me. i had our king sized bed all to myself again last night, while it looks like charlie ended up at the foot of Jax's bed again. as i got ready this morning, i let them sleep. isn't that nice of me? but before i left, jax did wake up so i got to give him some unwanted snuggles and kisses.

raima woke up again in the middle of the morning and cried this time while heading to our bedroom. we nursed of course and snuggled for a bit before charlie took her back to her room. all of it started to sink in actually and thoughts of having a third little one snuck into my head. after all, they wont be little for long, i thought. sigh. if only it were that simple and money were no object or life's responsibilities werent so daunting sometimes.

anyway, i had this hairbrained idea that i threw out to charlie last night, while we got to sit together and cuddle (read: connect) while we watched tv without the kidlets (one great thing now that the share the bedroom project has taken place). i thought, hey let's buy a used rv/trailer that is part rv and part food truck and have our own food truck race. we'll travel with the kids, meet people and provide fun and food and take pictures and blog about it along the way! the money we make from the stay at a particular city would get us to the next city and we would survive off of the road trip this way. we'd blog about it and live as nomads. frankly, the more i think about it the more awesome it starts sounding. oh wait, but first we need to have money. right right. you think i could get a kickstarter started for it? HA! man, that's like all sorts of dreams imagined and realized all rolled up into one. sigh, if that could actually happen. we could homeschool or road school for the most part but if we did it now, and for only a few years we could easily enroll the kids in public school ..anyway, i need to pull myself down back to earth, i know.

ok..back to the grind..rant over.

Hi everyone, it's been awhile hasn't it? I've been busy busy busy and haven't had time to update and or post the special stuff I've been up to here, so you all don't think I'm lying or just slacking off.

I started this post on my phone, and this is actually posted on my photography blog...

I had a wonderful day today yesterday, but I am utterly anxious and nervous and and...how do you on call people do it? This is one of those times that I fantasize about my mother being alive and well and living with us. Imagining that, in a pinch she could watch the kids as I take on this new direction in my life as a photographer and actually, a birth photographer. That basically, life was perfect, easy, comfortable and oh so wonderfully laid out and plan-able. I know, I did say fantasize, right?

When I picked up a real camera, not just my phone, or a point and shoot, but a real camera again last year, it really opened my insides wide open. I still struggle with the decision of, right now, what is an expensive hobby. But it is so worth it. The joys I get when I cull and edit those images. Sometimes I can't contain myself and bug Charlie to take a look at some images I'm so proud of. But there is still a little voice inside of me who likes to blow out that creativity and confident flame. I think to myself- you have kids, your family depends on your income to survive, what the hell were you thinking of doing this NOW?! You aren't as young as you look missy and you've got way more responsibilities than this passion can afford. Yes, my insides are not very friendly sometimes. Fear, she is one tough bitch. She will push you, pull you, love you and hate you. She is also what can make you stronger and drive you towards your dreams, well sometimes. Which leads me to something I read recently (Jasmine Star's magazine Exposed) to the tune of: I'd rather fail at something I love, than succeed at something I hate.

Yes, I am scared. I am terrified. My guts are swimming around and crawling to get out. I'm more distracted at my desk job and I really want out. It was never really fulfilling but it definitely paid the bills. That's not true there were times early on in my seven years at my desk job, that I fully enjoyed my work as a project manager. I had moved up from being an admin and at the time was also trying to do some creative side projects. But when the desk job started paying more and better. I lost that creative spark. Anyway, did this desk job ever make a difference? no of course not. But I did like it but as it is now, my heart isn't in it - and I don't think it ever was. Anyway,  photographing people isn't the fulfilling part, it's delivering the goods that is. Those memories and lighting up someone's life with printed (or even digital) images, that is absolutely rewarding.

Anyway, here are some shots from an impromptu maternity shoot, I did this past Saturday:

And yes, she is supposed to be glowing - cause she truly is! 

I am on call for that lovely mama (and 2-3 others - for birth photos!) and I anxiously await her baby girl's birthday, not only because I will hopefully be able to document the day, but because I am also stepping in as the doula! GULP. 

Being with mamas and kids, like I was yesterday, meeting with birth photography session clients is really really where I want to be. It's really what I want to be doing. Being allowed to document such an intimate moment for a family is just humbling, to say the least. Being able to spend my days seeing and taking photographs of people, happy and having fun and most importantly being able to spend more time with my family to enjoy my days having fun and being happy too. I know it will take time and I am willing to put my blood, sweat and tears into it, which I already am. It doesn't mean that I'm not scared of absolutely failing, especially because there is a lot more at stake.

Here is to hoping our dreams into reality..that and winning the lottery ;)

Oh and speaking of motherhood - did any of you read this huffington post article?