So where are these posts I promised, right? do you have a usb cord that can plug into my brain? ...anyway, I do have lots of posts that were just sitting around gathering (more) dust and cobwebs. so i thought, instead of trying to re-read them and clean them up or see if they are still relevant  (so excuse errors or nonsensical mumbo jumbo, please), I'll just post them right here for you, so you could see the madness or mundane-ness that is in my head most days:

From 6/27 Draft:

Hi hi..you guys still here? have you heard me say how many times I have started to write a post only to leave it stuck in the draft phase and then I forget about it and then it becomes irrelevant? Oh you have, have you, well.. so yeah..anyways lets see..lots of things happening and nothing happening really.

I recently read an article written by a stay at home dad of two kiddos. He mentions in his article that sometimes, people want to help him when they see him with his kiddos and he thinks that when women are by themselves with their kids - people don't do that. I think I would have to agree, except that on my recent trip to Colorado by myself with Raima - people were so kind in asking me if I needed help. But the person that I am - in my head, while I am smiling and generously turning down their kind help I am saying - what?! you don't think i can effin take care of myself? i popped this kid out of my vajayjay you know. I labored and shit and it was painful and i grunted like hell and made noises i didn't know i had in me..oh what is that you say - yes walk away people..the nerve of some people...wanting to help a nice looking lady with a baby. sheesh. It probably didn't help that I looked like a young single (because I was by myself) mom!

This brings me to one of the comments of this article from a woman that went - "Beautifully written! I admire the sacrifices you have made for your family.You are an amazing father!"

What gets me with this comment is - that by the father choosing to stay home, the commenter, and thus society (i know its sort of a stretch but not really) views that the father choosing to stay home is a sacrifice, while - a mother who is at home (notice, I didn't say choose - because my point is that society doesn't see it as a choice but a given) is well normal and not much of a sacrifice. WHY IS THAT?!

Recently, we had Raima begin daycare full-time. I posted this on facebook with a sad face, like this :( (yes, that is a sad face). And while I meant that yes, this is a sad time - I mostly meant it's sad for Raima (but yes me too). And yeah it sucks that I don't get to spend those hours with her but that just because I am sad by this - i am not conflicted or feeling guilty of this decision. I had, many a times, wanted to respond to people who were nice enough to acknowledge that it is in fact difficult - but it bothers me that people assume moms to be guilt stricken.. I guess it is stereotypical of the mom to have complete separation anxiety and be guilt stricken by working and not being at home.

I usually don't say anything or correct people when they assume this. Assume that  - I'm a wonderful mother and always miss my children dearly, and only think of and breath them every second of the day and guiltily spend my days working when I simply long to just be at home with them. I don't say anything because I dont want to come off as a heartless bitch or a terrible mother by saying - Oh thanks, but I'm totally ok. I like going to work. Because I know that it's the kid that has it bad. It is true though that once I do have my kiddos with me - I like to hug them and kiss them and never let go. Don't get me wrong, I do love them and miss them and think of them. I love picking them up at daycare, seeing their faces light up just from seeing me. Jax screaming towards me saying mommy mommy. it is a gift, it truly is. But I also love myself enough to have the space between motherhood and my professional/career self. I know most people and our society wants to ask and pit mothers against mothers - and scratch their heads at - why it is the you have kids in the first place if you aren't going to be home to take care of them? - well you see, it's cheap labor for when I need stuff done, so I can get them to do what I want..HA! I kid I kid...seriously, they do NOT do what I want when I want (sometimes, but usually by their own rules).

but work's a bitch. well, debt is a bitch and sadly in order to survive in this world you're either in debt or you need money to make money. I know I've mentioned before but we are what I like to call - middle class poor. but totally wealthy, in other aspects. we have a wonderful support group of friends and family and the surprising thing about being poor is - you learn to be very resourceful and know how to stretch every single penny. I guess it also stems from a childhood of thrifting and seeing the fun in the discounts to be had. It's like treasure hunting, I tell ya. Charlie now knows of this totally gratifying experience when he goes grocery shopping at one of the local markets that carries local and organic produce. He will usually come home with bags and bags of local and mostly organic produce for $20 and under (usually under) that would last us for weeks.
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Draft post from 5/29:

So, lately – or ever since I started back at my job, I have been unhappy at it or at the company really - on several levels. The straw that broke the camels back as they say was the time they discounted my value and took it out on my vacation pay. While I understand that it is practical business – looking out for your bottom line – but at what cost? This has been happening for a few years now. Being pennywise and dollar foolish. And I wish I was in a better position to just walk away now and find something, anything (ok, maybe not anything), but I am the main source of income for my family and..well, yeah – it sucks. I don't want to stand by a company whose business ethics does not align with how I think people should be treated in general. Over time their business model (if you can call it that) will implode and won’t work anymore. I am still surprised it does work (but I am "assured" that this is typical of any business in this industry). If you are in a business that relies on other people’s services and nickel and dime those people AND you also expect royal treatment from them while not doing them any favors – well, it can only last for so long..and can only last until you can’t call up anyone anymore to do business with.

 I am saddened by this, as I loved working here. I gained so much and even found a career path. But every day I am annoyed with the constant micro managing - calls/emails and checkups that it isn’t productive and undermines my abilities to manage or take responsibility for my own work. It degrades my work and has me even doubt myself and so instead of completing jobs and taking on more..jobs tend to drag a few days because you have to quadruple check everything and before making a decision you have to go thru the channels. The only time you are given ownerships of jobs and projects is when it fails or someone needs to be blamed.

I always use the example of their system as a system of using an abacus. In the industry we are in, you need to keep abreast with new technologies and systems in order to stay competitive and provide better services to clients but no, they are still attached to their abacus. Although, I have pushed some boundaries and proposed changes to get our systems up to speed – but still, they don’t hire the man power or want to spend the money to make money. Of course, this isn’t always true – they do spend the money when they think they will make the money but usually they don’t. they spend a lot on band aids rather than spending the money on appropriate solutions in a timely manner. And then in the end, they spend double – once for the band aid and the another amount to fix the repair due to the band aid and then the actual repair. If you spent the money the first time on quality workmanship – after the sticker shock – you wouldn’t have had the headache for so long, if you know what I mean. Get it done right the first time and you would have saved yourself some money and a headache later on (as they say - measure twice, cut once?)

I understand that protocols are in place for a reason, but when these protocols don’t do you any good – it’s time for a change. Yes, the saying – if it aint broke don’t fix it. It might not be broke but it could use a tune up. Just like when a car needs an oil change after 3000-5000 miles – a business/company/work procedure – needs an oil change. You need to see if the procedure still holds the same effectiveness it had when you first implemented it (and this could have been 5 years ago) and that it is getting the results you need in the time that you need it. If its an outdated system but manages to get the results you need, then it doesn’t need to be thrown out – it just needs to be tweaked.
SIGH. Anyway, I don’t know what to do. The thought of looking for another job, starting another job, working for another company, starting all over – terrifies me. Ok, not really – what really terrifies me – is failing. Failing to get another job, failing to be good at something else, somewhere else. Failing my family.

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Beach Blanket Babies - From 4/21draft, just photos (hey, just like I've been promising!) from our day at Linda Mar Beach (right next to the fancy Taco Bell):