Our Baby Wagners

2011-11-14T16:38:00.000-08:00

Raima is 2 months old today! (Pretty polka dot bow courtesy of Eve's mom, Mathilde - THANK YOU!)

She coos, gurgles, laughs and smiles. She sleeps a good chunk at night, which I am not used to and am enjoying it while it lasts! During the day, it's a different story. She usually will go down fine until I realize I need to use the bathroom or oh say, figure I should eat something and right then and there she will decide to wake up from her nap. no, seriously. She got her first shots today :( but did as well as she could of have.

In other news, related to my fears - after having it put out there in the ether..somehow, miraculously or whatever, I got a voicemail from my boss stating that work is jumping and that they could really use my help right about oh NOW and so yeah..I called and we're trying to figure out how it'll all look for us, but its looking pretty good. Still going to be working part-time at least which is actually a blessing in disguise, since I've been fretting on putting Raima into daycare at 4 months old. So this way, we won't have too :)

*the ghetto birds are whirring & whirling right above our place right now due to the Occupy Oakland stuff (they got raided a 2nd time) down at Oscar Grant Plaza which is less than a mile down the street (0.7 mi and about a 16 min. walk to be google exact). I forget what quiet sounds like these days since this whole Occupy stuff. Don't even get me started on how the media is portraying all this (like terrorists, that's how they are portraying the occupiers). I believe in what they are doing, since last I checked we are definitely the 99%...but what is the solution? I know it's not easy to answer nor is there an easy answer.

Fears

2011-11-09T14:00:00.000-08:00

well, i had this whole thing about my fears (of not having a job when my maternity leave is over) written up all beautifully (ok, maybe not all that beautiful) but then it was erased when i added the pictures...and now raima is crying and so no time to rewrite it (ugh, how annoying) im sure you guys are fine with just the pictures but grrr..it really helped me to write it out and put it all out there..and to see what you guys would think, am i being irrational? ugh, oh well..

1 month old

2011-10-14T12:02:00.000-07:00

Raima's one month old today! and therefore cannot object to the silly pink (i know, i know) bow atop her head. plus, she's asleep (but not for long. once i start to think of, oh, say make myself some lunch - she will wriggle herself out of her deep slumber)...yep, she's awake now and i think she's angry.

What's in a name..

2011-09-27T07:30:00.000-07:00

So, since we've been asked a few times now on how we got the name, I thought I might as well make it into a post.

The thing is, we've always had the name Raima for a girl's name. When I was pregnant with Jax, and was thinking on names it was Paloma at first and then when I asked Charlie of any female family names he said - Raima..and I immediately fell in love with it. It happens to be his Grandmother's name who is celebrating her 90th birthday today. So, HAPPY BIRTHDAY GRANDMA RAIMA!

The funny thing about the whole name thing is, when we found out we were having a boy but decided to still tell Grandma Raima the fact that if it was a girl, we were going to name her after her and..she didn't really like it one bit. I think she asked - why would you do that to her? cause she never liked her name! She actually goes by Jean now, instead. A name she gave herself after tiring of being called baby Raima well into her teenage years. It is definitely a family name, as Grandma Raima's mom was also named Raima, and hence the reason for everyone to distinguish them by calling her baby Raima. So, now we have our own lil baby Raima.

Corazón is my Mom's name and even if we had a little boy this time around, it was still going to be used as part of his name. After all, in Spanish it is El Corazón, and masculine, right? And Luz, is Charlie's Mom's middle name that she chose for herself. So, Raima Corazón Luz Wagner it is..we think it's as lovely as she is.

So there you have it..that's how we came up with our little girl's name.

It's a Girl!

2011-09-25T14:20:00.000-07:00

This post has been waiting to be published for awhile now....sorry for the delay

So, I'm pregnant no more! the baby is on the outside now :) Raima Corazon Luz Wagner was born at home on 9/14/2011 at 11:50 am. Weighing in at 7lbs 6oz and measuring 20.25 ins long. I swear she seemed only like a 6 pounder when I was holding her seconds after her birth. She seemed so much smaller than Jax was. From her tiny-ness, I had a feeling she was a girl..but no one had said if we had a boy or girl yet. Charlie actually caught her! or well, at least partially - the midwife obviously was the one who helped guide her out. Charlie then checked to see - and yep..it's a GIRL!!! WOW.. we have a little baby girl!

So, technically if you take into consideration that we had a second due date, one based off of an ultrasound which was 9/17/11 and our original due date of 9/10/11 she came right in between there. I started to feel stronger but sporadic contractions (or really intense cramps that would last a good long minute, since I wasn't sure if I was really in for it yet so, I wasn't thinking contractions just yet) around 2 or 3 am (im not sure exactly on the time since i wasnt checking my phone for the time yet) and thought well, this is definitely a different feeling and could be a sign that today could be the day! Charlie was in Jax's room so at about 4:30 - when the contractions were closer together, about 7-8 minutes apart and lasting a minute to even a minute and a half (oy, they were intense!), went in to wake him up and tell him - this could be the day. I went to go lay back down and time them this time. Still sort of sporadic, 5-8 minutes apart, still intense and lasting at least a minute.

I still managed to walk around (which causes them to even be more intense!) and also spend a little time with Jax before getting him off to daycare at 7:30 ish. By this time I asked Charlie to page our midwives to let them know that it could be today but obviously not yet - right? I mean with Jax, it took another 20 hours or so before he was actually born or before anything really progressed. By 8 am, one of our midwives called and listened in on me go thru a contraction and I remember hearing her say - OK, I'm on my way over! Could this really be it, i thought.

The contractions started to become way closer together by 8:30 am and the midwives were trickling in. After what seemed like awhile and the intensity of the contractions, I asked one of our midwives if she could possibly check me. She did and I was at 5-6 centimeters dilated and only 75% effaced. She also mentioned, that like last time with Jax, she could see the bulge from the sac and that there was a lot of water before the baby's head so it isn't efficiently pushing on the cervix. And that if I would like, she could break my bag of waters to help things along - but in doing so would mean....technical medical stuff, risks etc etc..all i know was - if my water was broken, like last time - i could have this baby out of me sooner rather than later. By all means, break my water please!

and so yada yada yada, at 11:50 am Raima Corazon was born! When i tally up the time, it doesn't seem right..you mean, the whole process for me this time around was like 4 hours (from when the contractions started to be more regular and 3 mins apart) or 7 hours (from when I started feeling anything at all)? CRAZY.

This time around, I definitely felt more present and aware. able to converse and ask for things that i wanted, didnt want, liked etc. (well most of the time) and also notice the people around me and appreciate the whole experience more. what had helped me was the fact that i had already gone thru this and knowing that despite the intense pains - that once that baby was out, all of that intense pain would completely disappear, melt away and i would be rewarded - and have this beautiful baby in my arms.

thank you to my wonderful birth team - Nova Midwifery, Jenny Vega, Roz and of course, my husband Charlie. Thank you also to our neighbors and our good friends the Andrejkos for taking care of and Jax and all the necessary logistics. (and to Amy & Linda - despite not being here like with the birth of Jax, you were both here in spirit..as was my Mom)

Yep, Nope..still pregnant

2011-09-09T10:11:00.000-07:00

yes, i see you ticker..yes, i know. one day to go. ONE. DAY. TO GO! yet, it still feels like, oh..another week or so... I felt more crampy last night - most of the night. when i walk it feels as if im trying to hold onto a bowling ball between my legs and the pressure is uncomfortable. and if someone asks/tells me one more time that it looks like im about to pop..i will pop them in the face.. anyway, enjoy this funny little "childbirth" song :P We'll keep you posted.

New Videos!

2011-08-19T14:33:00.001-07:00

The first few seconds of this is just hilarious to me..and then the last few seconds, well..Jax still doesn't really know how to share - sorry Nova.

34 weeks

2011-07-31T18:37:00.000-07:00

Charlie: Why don't you smile?

How's this?

Charlie: Cherlyn, smile..
Me: I AM smiling..

Is this better?

Jax: Like this Momma - CHEESE!

So here we are at 34 weeks. I don't remember being in such discomfort the first time around at this stage but then again I wasn't chasing around an almost 2 year and managing his bedtime routines (or fighting them). Charlie still takes off in the evening most days to take care of his other commitments and so I have to fend for myself..and sometimes (other times its totally fine and doable) I really feel like - dude, when are you gonna get it? I AM HUGE AND UNCOMFORTABLE. Remember? I'm pregnant - meaning, can I just veg out and collapse when I get home and not worry about anything, and you take care of things? But then again, since I don't pipe up about it, I shouldn't really complain or expect the fact that he will just GET IT. But he tries. He asks me if I'm ok..and really I am - its just that I'm pregnant and it's uncomfortable. I can't really explain unless you've already been there. I have heard of women who love being pregnant and actually miss it..I have yet to meet one of these women, and I don't think I will ever be one of them. But kudos to them.

anyway..in a couple of weeks we have our first midwife appt. at our house. This is a new thing since with jax they would always come over our house to do the visits - every visit. But in order for them to expand they now have offices in 3 bay area locations and have most of their visits there up until the 36 week visit which is done at home. And after that it's almost every week - or two weeks, I think..wow..we are really almost there! I have just 4 weeks left of work! YIPEEEEE...but then really, I'm only giving myself 9 days before the due date..

Amy thinks the baby will be ready early - giving a date of Sept. 7th. What do you think? Most people also think it will be a boy, as do I? Do you have any boy name suggestions? We have agreed on 2 names for boys so far..but I'm not about to reveal them, sorry.

We finally gave in and sort of organized a baby shower - ok, its really not a baby shower but a BBQ birthday party for Charlie in the next 2 weeks. He invited a shit ton of people..i hope that a shit ton of people dont show up all at once! I feel kind of funny about being the one organizing the baby shower thing - its like we are saying HEY PLEASEEEE GIVE US SOME STUFF... i dont expect to get anything really. and if we do, thats pretty nice of people knowing how tough it is in this economy and that they have their families to take care of too. I don't even want anything new..hand-me-downs are awesome..we do have most if not all (just missing the infant carseat and extra base) of the big ticket items. but we are seriously lacking teeny tiny baby clothes.

anyhoot...i think i'll go lay down and veg out now :) Hope everyone had a lovely weekend. Oh and these are my new glasses that I was so excited about but after getting them back - eh, they aiight. I thought they were much cuter when I first picked them out but now..bleh...so I ordered two new pairs of glasses thru zenni online - $28.75 total, includes shipping, the frames and the Rx! Hope those fair out much better.

- Oh and the outfit was one of the items I bought at Sears! it comes with a belt but, it wasn't really doing me any good. Dress was on sale = $9!

2011-07-26T22:57:00.000-07:00

The above photos were taken by Jax...I think he was the first one to take a belly photo of me. These were taken last month. And the photos below are what happens when your toddler finds a working pen and decides to draw all over himself. I guess thats better than drawing all over the walls, right?

This is Jax showing me how he did his handy work.

so naturally, it was time to take a bath...

Cheese

2011-07-22T18:18:00.000-07:00

Had another great day today. It helped that I took the day off from work! I got my eyes checked (essentially the same Rx, except one eye but could of stuck with my old Rx) and ordered a new pair of glasses which I have been itching to do. Also went to see a chiropractor who wasn't pushy about having to go in for a gazillion sessions and feel slightly better. Went bargain shopping (one place was in the most unlikely of places - Sears! they actually had some cute clothes and they were 50% off! I was at Sears for my eye exam.) and scored 2 pairs of shoes, 5 dresses, one shirt, 2 pairs of leggings and even a pair of earrings! All of which were under $100 AND I could wear them after this baby is born too. I also managed yet another day not looking/feeling frumpy. Good thing to since I ran into an old friend of mine while I picked up lunch! So awesome..it was truly such a great day....

*oh just now - Charlie got me a scratcher that Jax had picked out - and it was a winner! A mere $3 but still - it was a winner :) Also Charlie said he was 5 minutes from getting a parking ticket because he forgot to move the car to the other side of the street - but luckily he had to do some work at the house and the parking citation officer was a few cars down, so he was able to move it! It's the little things.

I'll have to post some photos of my bounty :)

33 weeks (actually, 32 weeks & 4 days)

2011-07-20T21:02:00.000-07:00

eh, do i have to kiss "the baby"?

There, you happy? some belly pics for you!

I had a great day today. First, it was the third day I actually took the time (which meant an extra 10 mins of not lounging in bed cursing the fact i have to get up and go to work instead) to put make-up on and wear my hair in some sort of fashionable way and also actually dress as though i didnt just wake up and wear what i had slept in and be a frumpy lump. Second, we had a midwife appointment today and everything was great. Baby is now measuring at 33 weeks, right where s/he oughta be! so he/she is no longer behind (if you remember - a couple of visits there s/he had measured 3 weeks behind!) and so i guess i was just hiding her or him well - but obviously no longer as you can see by the photos that i am indeed HUGE!

In 4 weeks, this baby will be full term and i will finally be close to being on maternity leave! My last day is Aug. 31st - yes the middle of the week, a wednesday I think. and yes, i am still going to work the full month of August .. yes, i am absolutely insane.

the baby is still pretty active except the movements are slower and actually getting more uncomfortable. Often I can feel some sort of body part, as if the baby is trying to elbow me or knee me. the baby is already head down. i actually had some braxton hicks last night..we still havent decided on a boy name and yes, i still think this is going to be a boy - despite us not finding out the sex (sorry Amy. Linda & Tita Angelique)

2011-07-06T22:12:00.000-07:00

I just found these photos! They're from last month when we made a visit to the Berkeley Lawrence Science Hall with Jax and his Grandma Linda.

So I figure, it's been awhile and I needed to do an update.

We just got back from a trip to Seattle to visit Charlie's good friends, one of whom is actually Jax's Godfather. The flight there (8pm flight) I thought he would just sleep - but no..he was so interested in everything. The giggling college girls in the row ahead of us. Jax would mimic their laughter and outbursts. He would yell out avion (airplane in Spanish) at the airplanes outside the window. He finally did want to sleep when we landed but awoke to the harsh lights and the announcements broadcasted in the cabin. He did of course conk out in the rental car on the way to Paul & Jen's house.

More and more, I see how his language and comprehension have grown since the previous months. While we were waiting in line on our way back to Oakland, Charlie quizzed Jax on his body parts, all in Spanish of course, and to my surprise he knew where each of the parts were. His eyes, his ears, his mouth, his teeth, his tongue, his arms (that one I was surprised at), and his feet. Charlie likes to confuse him and ask him where his elbows and knees are too - but he only gets those after the first few tries. *I forgot to mention he knows his name and will point to himself and say Jackson (with a Spanish accent) and point to his classmates at daycare and say their names. He likes to babble a lot - I'm sure to him it's not babbling. I can understand bits and pieces but mostly its from his gestures. His personality is also shinning through. He is a big goofball. A sweet, silly kid really.

So, as for me and baby #2 - we're either at 29wks & 4 days (as stated above - which is from my ultrasound) or at 30 wks & 4 days (from my LMP), either way we are in the third semester!! Which is crazy, because this pregnancy has gone by sooooo fast. I can't believe that I have just two months of work left and then I'm having a baby! I plan to stay at work until the end of August and return in January.

I feel this baby move and kick a lot more than I had felt Jax - but it maybe because I am more aware this time around but also I guess Jax was just more mellow when he was in utero - but now? he's all over the place and very active. So maybe this one will be more mellow when he/she is out? Did I just jinx myself there?

Anyway, Jen's mom got us some girl clothes - and I happily accepted even though we have no idea if we are in fact having a girl, but I'll take it for the mojo! Most people say it will be a boy because of how my stomach is shaped. I would be really happy either way as long as the baby is healthy :)

What do you think I'm having? Oh wait, I guess it would help if I had a belly photo up, huh? Maybe next time... ;)

One more video

2011-06-21T13:12:00.001-07:00

New Videos!

2011-06-17T19:19:00.000-07:00

So..a change of dates

2011-06-07T10:51:00.000-07:00

Our midwives had ordered me to get an additional ultrasound ASAP at my last appointment with them because I again, or rather the baby, was measuring 3 weeks behind my EDD of 9-10-11 and measuring small. At first I wasn't super worried. My midwives tried to assure me that perhaps baby is measuring small because baby is laying funny or I'm just off on how pregnant I am and getting an additional ultrasound will answer any other more worrisome questions if any were to be had.

I had first arranged to get the ultrasound at Kaiser - since that is all I was used to and where I have always gotten it but when I received my bill I realized I was still paying about $253 out of pocket to have the ultrasound. And my midwives had a referral to a place in Los Gatos that will perform one for $150..so it was a no-brainer to cancel Kaiser and do it in Los Gatos - on a Saturday too! With that $150 - I got a better explanation of the ultrasound, a few pictures (though baby was not being cooperative this time) and even a dvd of the entire ultrasound! A lot more than what I had received from Kaiser. I don't know why I still hold out for Kaiser. I guess because, well that's my insurance and shouldn't I be getting quality care..oh wait, it IS Kaiser. (OK, maybe its not ALL Kaiser facilities, but I haven't heard much in the positive for them so far)

Oh, yeah so - everything looked fine. It was in line with what Kaiser had showed in our last ultrasound at 18 weeks that from Kaiser's u/s, my edd was 9/17/11 and so this time around - the same thing..which is a good sign. Saw and heard the heart beat, saw the little toes and feet, and hands and fingers and surprisingly no balls this time - but we still decided not to find out the sex. Plenty of amniotic fluid around the baby, and yeah, baby is A-ok. :) I was trying to post up the video but for $150 you only get to "read" it off of the disc and not copy and post it up on the interwebs.

So with that, I have changed my EDD to 9/17/11 - not as cool as 9-10-11 but still a healthy baby is what we really want not some cool number thing.

At 25 weeks -

Baby is now pretty well built portion wise even though it still has little body fat and its skin is thin. The structures of the spine begin to form -- All 33 rings, 150 joints and 1000 ligaments. The tiny brain is growing rapidly, and the baby is starting to fill the space in your uterus. The uterus is now about the size of a soccer ball and mom looks pregnant.

Your baby's hands are now fully developed, although some of the nerve connections to the hands have a long way to go. Dexterity is improving. Your baby can make a fist and clasp objects placed in palm. Exploring the structures inside your uterus may have become baby's prime entertainment. Fascinated by the amount of tactile stimulation a fetus gives itself; it touches a hand to the face, one hand to the other hand, clasps its feet, touches its foot to its leg, its hand to its umbilical cord. Twins will explore each other and begin their bonding. (At the ultrasound, baby had both its legs to its face! Baby's feet was touching his face but s/he was being illusive and didn't want any close ups so I could have a picture)

Blood vessels of the lungs develop. Your baby's nostrils begin to open. The nerves around the mouth and lip area are showing more sensitivity now. Their swallowing reflexes are developing. Baby can hear sounds outside the womb and the brain cells are starting to mature also. Already it can learn and remember and can recognise its mother and fathers voice. The inner ear bones have hardened so hearing is more acute. Baby may hear your partner's voice more easily than yours, as baby is sensitive to a deeper pitch.

Memorial Day Weekend

2011-06-02T21:39:00.000-07:00

Well, it looks like we didnt take many pictures during our trip, but here is what we have:

He really liked playing the drums! We also filmed him (That's Charlie singing):

2011-06-01T09:30:00.000-07:00

So..

2011-05-31T16:14:00.000-07:00

We just got back from a trip down to LA for Memorial Day weekend. No traffic and we made a lot of stops on the way back home to curtail any cabin fever/temper tantrum issues. We took the 99 on the way back so there were plenty more opportunities to stop and get our legs moving about. We chose a park with a play structure in MacFarland..then later down the hwy we saw a stop that featured a petting zoo! I made a mental note of that place so we could stop there next time :).

Saturday we had spent the afternoon with my family who threw a BBQ but there was no swimming to be had since it was super windy :(..There was a 3 month old baby and when he was crying, Jax kept slowly inching his way toward the baby. He was totally fascinated by him. When the baby was getting changed he went up to him and started to gently "pet" him with direction of course. He could not stop staring at that baby! It was really sweet sight to see.

I'll post pictures when I get home - hopefully by tonight ;)

A post for Amy

2011-05-09T12:41:00.000-07:00

Happy God Mother's Day! ;) Love you & miss you. We hope to see you soon..

By the way...

2011-04-28T21:15:00.000-07:00

I recently spoke up about motherhood and dealing with my mother's death over here, if you care to listen. I don't mind if you don't since I haven't completely finished listening to it myself - because I'm terrified and nervous that I don't make any sense or that it's just useless drivel. But, you know after that "interview" I felt this sort of release, a relief of sorts. It allowed me to come to terms with my mom's death and what was most surprising was the realization of how much of an easy going mom I came to be..which is NOT how I ever imagined myself becoming or ever being.

If you haven't already visited this parenting site - The Longest Shortest Time - you should. I know there are a lot of parenting blogs out there but this one is articulate, refreshing and just real..not that those other blogs aren't real but anyway, have a gander over there and you'll see what I mean..and as an example, don't start with mine first! Start at the beginning..or not, or whatever. just go over there and check out the stories (podcasts).

shenanigans

2011-04-26T21:56:00.000-07:00

This was just 4 months ago

2011-04-20T21:43:00.000-07:00

and already he seems so grown up nowadays.its like 4 months = 4 years. ok, that maybe an exaggeration but still..i mean he seems more like a baby in this video..and now..hes such a kid!

catching up, update

2011-04-18T14:53:00.000-07:00

This helicopter ride was my favorite as a kid because it was really the only one worth the quarter or two you would spend on any of the other rides that just kind of vibrated because this ride actually goes up and down. But back in my day - i remember it even going side to side - and you could control it - now i dont think it allows you but still totally worth the three quarters (ok we spent $1.50 on it). Jax was still totally content with just sitting on the other rides without having to pay :). He spent a good hour in this area with Charlie, while I tried to shop for some maternity clothes - but couldn't find anything worth waiting in line for or really spending any money on.

After our trip - he totally conked out! :)

---------

Here's a compilation of Jax's sleeping positions:

Butt in air (hands underneath his body)- his favorite

The "Al Bundy" - a new favorite of mine.

Then came this one - What should this one be called?

--------

Friday after our ultrasound of baby #2... I got a call at work from Jax's daycare saying he was running a fever AND shaking. I tried to tell her - well, he is teething. Did you try and just give him some ibuprofen and wait an hour to see if the fever went down? to which they of course said - well, we're not supposed to keep them when they have a fever to begin with...so I pick him up (during nap time - they could have at least told me to come AFTER nap time - the poor kid hasnt been sleeping very well as of late!) and he was pretty cooperative and we went home and I undressed him a bit (they had him completely bundled up - not good for a high fever but understandable since they thought he was shivering) and we played and I gave him snacks and whatdaya know - he's totally fine (except he did continue to have a fever off an on throughout the entire weekend..and it only finally broke last night around 10 pm when he was asleep for about 2 hours and continued to wake every few hours. He got so used to us sleeping all together AND getting 24 hour nursing sessions again.....bad habits die hard! Poor kid's voice is hoarse!)

See, the kid's fine...

bath time

2011-04-08T14:44:00.000-07:00

Jax loves bath time, but really he just loves playing with water. He now has learned how to sort of pretend play with water - or rather pretend that the water is coming out of the faucet. He makes that sound whenever he is near a faucet or spigot. He also makes that sound - as if to say or ask to turn on the faucet - especially when we are trying to brush his teeth at the sink.

2011-04-07T12:35:00.000-07:00

Here is a video of him on his potty from yesterday's post. He was scooting around for a bit, until i started to film him of course! I was using my phone so it makes it a bit dark - even with some brightness added to it.

Potty

2011-04-06T16:12:00.000-07:00

Last night when I asked if he needed to go potty - he went running to the bathroom (straight thru that hallway behind Jax) and scooted out from the bathroom on his potty. He was scooting on that thing like crazy. No poopin, just scootin. Sorry..i swear i get the inkling to make those corny jokes from my Mom!

More updates soon..sorry :)

To baby shower or not to baby shower, that is the question

2011-03-18T10:37:00.000-07:00

Some people think it's tacky to have a baby shower for the second (or third, fourth etc..) child. I am not one of those people, but these people exist. I mean, I understand where the tackiness can come from - if the parents were not saving the big ticket items or just wanting to accumulate new stuff just to have new stuff than that's pretty tacky. We've pretty much gave away most of Jax's baby stuff to other parents for use with their kids, but have kept a lot of the big ticket stuff - like the high chair and the pack n play (which we will use as the crib, since we returned our old drop side crib to receive a 25% off coupon @ babies r us). We also purchased a double stroller ourselves and the only thing on our registry so far is - the car seat (and an extra base) that goes with the new double stroller. Other than that - i really dont have anything on there. I still do have some of Jax's newborn stuff so even if the baby turns out to be a girl (we hope) she will be stuck with boy clothes for awhile. It's not like she'll know the difference anyway.

Part of the reason to NOT have a baby shower (for me at least) is, the last time i had a baby shower - was also the last time i saw my mom alive, ~~and that sort of~~, and that really pains me. We would also be having the baby shower, if we decide to have one, around the same time - 4th of July weekend. I lost my Mom on July 12th, 2009. So, its really tough for me. With that I just realized that maybe that is why this second pregnancy is not getting the fan fare the first pregnancy was getting. Well, it's partially the reason. It is after all the second time around. I think I have been getting more headaches and migraines AND having been (and somewhat still) sick and frumpy lately because of the connection with losing my mom and having a baby..the thoughts and issues of - here is another grandchild she misses out on, etc.. and then a whole pandora's box opens up of what ifs again and then i get angry, and then sad and then tired when i was already tired to begin with, so then I'm just exhausted and then i guess i become (more) sick?

Sooo..Jax is now 18 months old! He's such a little entertainer and makes new faces and gestures everyday. He repeats things but not too well but he completely understands you if you ask him for things or to do stuff. It's pretty amazing. He's a delight and a great medicine to me at times when my heart sinks a little too low. All I have to do is take a look at him, squeeze him and show him my belly - which he'll say - baby - to. He'll quickly laugh and do something as if to cheer me up and instantly, I'm smiling again. It's a roller coaster ride sometimes what with the pregnancy hormones as well.

Anyway....today is Friday and actually I feel somewhat better, perhaps its because I took the time to actually shower and put on a tiny bit of makeup? i dont know. or it could be because its FRIDAY. or a combo of both. I have a paid survey interview today and did I mention it was Friday? We have a wonderfully packed weekend too. I'm excited can't wait..

Happy Birthdays to Teddy & Penny!!

Two of hearts, two hearts that beat as one...

2011-03-03T14:34:00.000-08:00

So, I am here to officially announce that I am PREGGERS.. I know, crazy right? I got to hear the baby's heartbeat yesterday (and no, i am not having twins!), it was pretty awesome to say the least. My estimated due date is 9-10-11, which happens to be my brother's birth date and yes, 2 days before Jax's own birth date. Now that's just an estimate, but how cool would that be and after all, Jax came right on his due date. And yes, we are planning on having another home birth with the same wonderful midwives we had for Jax.

So officially, I am almost 13 weeks pregnant (this saturday) and am now in my second trimester (well this varies. some say the start of the 14th week is the second trimester)!! Woo hoo. This time around, I did get morning (noon and night) sickness and was more tired than ever. This baby is already getting gypped. Not much fan fare and even Charlie said - I forget you are pregnant (which will come to an end as soon as I start showing). Which kinda irks me sometimes - because my body is working overtime and even more so because not only am I working full-time at the office, but at home too with Jax. And although I may not show it or complain much - I'm hurting here..not really hurting but man am i tired and sometimes all i want to do is absolutely nothing. I'm also feeling a bit sick lately and still get terrible headaches (one of the joys of pregnancy).

Anyway - As for the Baby - There are a lot of things going on this week! All twenty teeth have formed and are waiting (Teething is yet to come!). Baby is almost 3 inches long (the size of a medium shrimp) and weighs nearly an ounce (28.3 grams). Consider that the placenta weighs about an ounce now as well.

Baby's intestines are migrating from the umbilical cord into his or her abdomen. The villi are also forming in the intestines, these help in peristaltic movements and digestion. The pancreas of the little one is even secreting insulin! Meconium, the baby's first stool, is developing. Fingerprints have formed baby's tiny fingertips, veins and organs are clearly visible through the still-thin skin, and baby's body is starting to catch up with his/her head — which makes up just a third of his/her body size now.

We are trying to decide whether or not we want to know the sex of the baby this time around...hmmmmmm. What do you think?

weekend update

2011-02-14T12:27:00.000-08:00

we did a whole lot of nothing this weekend. partly because we all were feeling a bit sick (i was feeling lethargic actually AND sick). we did however, manage to get new (to us) couches from my friend Amy's Aunt who purchased a new set for her home. we reserved a uhaul and made a trip to corte madera on sunday to pick up the couches and also squeezed some grocery shopping in. so not all of the weekend was wasted.

sunday as we (charlie and i) were enjoying our new comfy couch watching some tv, we heard a bit of a ruckus going on in the kitchen..we both looked at each other because we both knew what jax was getting into.

hence this:

when we found him, he came running toward us saying - uh, oh...(a phrase he likes to use A LOT these days) before we got to what he did and he went back over the mess and acted like - what? nothing to see here people...

our new place has ample storage in the kitchen. unfortunately for us, most of it is at toddler level. we have those toddler cabinet locks but we haven't gotten around to installing them yet. which is why most of our stuff is still in boxes and whatever is out in the cabinets, its pretty much understood that jax will get into it. the above used to have more items in it but we soon realized this was not very smart of us.

jax has slept in his room for over a week now (i've kind of lost count). he usually still wakes a few times at night but can wrestle himself back to sleep with not much crying (in comparison to the first day!). sometimes he is able to go right back to sleep or with an aid of a bottle laying around for him to find. and now with the new couches, we brought in our old couch into his room and charlie slept on it last night..moving farther away from him and probably in a day or two, charlie will finally be back in our bed..hahaha, yeah, he's been sleeping in jax's room while we make the transition from the family bed to his bedroom.

in other news, charlie has gotten a long term sub position at his school so now he will be working more hours. this is both good and bad.

anyways, oh yeah - happy valentine's day!

belated video

2011-02-10T21:52:00.000-08:00

here is more of jax "dancing". this was actually shot first before the other one i posted up but for some reason this video had trouble loading until now.

we are still not quite settled in and are sort of living out of boxes. needless to say, mornings are the worst. trying to find anything, like socks resembling a match for jax is challenging. also, i lost my keys (that had my car & office keys!). i know they are somewhere in the house at least, i hope they still are. jax has gotten into the habit of throwing things out the windows. but that's what i get for letting jax play with things he really shouldnt play with. oops, my bad.

anyways...i'll post a better update soon...

Look PICTURES!

2011-01-20T10:17:00.001-08:00

Get the flash player here: http://www.adobe.com/flashplayer

Thanks Amy for the photos!

2011-01-15T11:45:00.001-08:00

2011-01-10T19:55:00.000-08:00

I've been trying to post more pictures up from our Hawaii vacation but either the computer starts running slow on me while the kid is asleep or the kid doesn't sleep to allow me to post anything..but i did get this one photo up. This is our day at Hanauma Bay Preserve.

Preparing for a weekend that will be jam packed! Visits from relatives, friends thousands of miles away and reconnecting with one who I haven't seen in over 5 years who now has a kid too!

Hawaii day 2 - Lanikai Beach

2011-01-01T13:06:00.000-08:00

Ahh..Lanikai Beach. This was regarded as one of the most beautiful beaches in all of Oahu...and well, I would have to agree. What do you think? The two little mountain looking things in the background are Na Mokulua or the Mokes, as locals call them. This is the East side of Oahu - the Windward side. Best known for its kayaking.

Lanikai is actually just an extension of Kailua Beach/Bay and some prefer Kailua over Lanikai, but not me. We parked along side the residential area (How tired do you think, are the residents of people parking on parts of their lawns and what nots? Guess it just comes with the territory). You see in Hawaii, ALL beaches are open to the public (with the exception of those found on military bases). Hawaii law says there has to be a public access for all beaches, even if you think its a private beach or what looks like it could be claimed as a private beach - the public must have legal access to it!

This beach was the quintessential Hawaii beach for me. Crystal clear blue water with fine light sand beneath your feet. It was beautiful. It was very sunny, good thing our hosts let us borrow their beach umbrella. Except that after staking it a couple of times into the sand, it broke! WHOOPS!

In hindsight, I wish we stayed longer and packed a lunch or had Charlie go and pick something up and come back. Guess we'll have to just visit it again!

HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE!

“Another fresh new year is here . . .
Another year to live!
To banish worry, doubt, and fear,
To love and laugh and give!

This bright new year is given me
To live each day with zest . . .
To daily grow and try to be
My highest and my best!

I have the opportunity
Once more to right some wrongs,
To pray for peace, to plant a tree,
And sing more joyful songs!”

Much love to your families. May this new year bring in new hopes and dreams, comfort, joy, love and a chance to be and do better.

Hawaii day 1 - Waikiki

2010-12-31T13:13:00.000-08:00

oceans of fun

2010-11-11T22:13:00.000-08:00

Sorry for the late post. Let's see, these are from Halloween and also my birthday trip to Monterey. Jax was a lil ninja for Halloween. I put the outfit together 10 mins before we walked out the door to join the kiddie Halloween parade down our block where we ran into Jax's friend Nikko. They exchanged some hellos and some yummy snacks. It started to drizzle so we were unable to hang out with our other ninja friend Eve :(.

Monterey was fun, although 2 hours into it Jax tripped and did a face plant onto metal railings - NOT FUN. He had a few very noticeable bruises and bumps. But we managed to calm him (and myself!)and enjoyed the rest of the day. It helps to order tix online and get a stamp so you can re-enter throughout the day. We ate at fish hopper restaurant (moderately priced but its equal to the portion and it was pretty darn yummy - it was definitely a splurge for us) where we also bought our souvenir Monterey Bay mug - only $2.15! Deal!

The pictures of Jax at the beach is on our way back home from spending the weekend in Monterey. This happened to be the very same beach I went to with some of my lovely and dear friends back when I was pregnant with Jax. It was low tide at that time so we were able to explore caves and what not, but seeing how the tide was rising we tried to leave before we got stuck in one. Unfortunately, as everyone was trying to avoid the incoming high tide, the one with the shorter legs happened to have bit it and got almost waist deep in the ocean - yeah that was me..super prego me :) of course that would happen!

Anyway, it was super fun. The only thing I wish I could have done differently was my attitude. I was a little bit upset that my birthday didnt turn out to be as i had hoped it would have been (hello - CAKE! as in, i wanted cake but didnt get any) but in hindsight it still was fun and great to get away and i loved it....

on another note - I cant wait for our trip to Hawaii! We are going in 22 days! Yep, I decided we should still continue with our plans. Thanks Amy & Cat for the pep talk :)

2010-10-21T15:21:00.000-07:00

We've been scrambling for daycare as of late because Charlie got a JOB! He got the phone call about the offer on my bday before we took off to Monterey. Right now its a part time gig but at a school that we both believe in. It reminds me of the school I went to when I was a kid - small, independent and sort of tough. The school was actually founded right at our home - weird right? We actually still get mail for them from time to time.

So I've been picking up Jax at a nanny share (temporary only) thru Charlie's friends who have a 2 year old boy (a cutie named Magnus). It is out in the cuts and driving there and back puts knots in my stomach. Especially on the drive back - BLINDING SUN GLARE, winding roads, drivers on your ass wanting you to go at least 40 in a 25 with kids crossing the streets, passing by schools and churches and cute (and expensive) homes. Let me tell ya - I will be glad when I dont have to drive there anymore. Charlie has the harder part of dropping him off and lately Jax has not been very appreciative of it. He is very clingy these days. When I leave for work he usually cries, even when he is being held by Charlie.

two nights ago after coming home from the nanny - I was sitting on the couch watching TV while Jax was running about getting into things and playing with bottles (screwing the lids on - one of his favorite pastimes) as he was approaching me to give me the bottles he suddenly gasps drops the bottles and points with not just his fingers but kind of his entire body. He is super excited for some reason and quickly runs while yelling in delight to the windows and as I turned around to see, I notice the cats. he was being delighted by the neighborhood cats walking about who just stopped right in front of the window. Jax was pointing to them in amazement and screaming with delight, mouth ajar gasping absolutely fascinated by them...it was the cutest thing ever.

I'll post more photos from our trip to Monterey and a real update too, hopefully um...soon?

ps - would you be worried if you googled the name of one of the daycares you were looking into and the first result is a myspace page with a questionable profile ID? (And the profile itself screams - I still act as if I'm a bubblegum teenager and god forbid you actually want to read my profile but you cant because i've bedazzled the shit out of it.) I mean, seriously? If you were smart you would have one not associated with the other, right? or is it just me and its totally appropriate?

hot blooded

2010-10-14T09:20:00.000-07:00

Does your child have either a runny nose or diarrhea with a high fever? YES
   |
   |
   \ /
Your child may have a simple VIRAL INFECTION, even with the high fever.
   |
   |
   \ /
Call your child's doctor. He or she can rule out other causes for your child's symptoms.

OK. thank you interweb doctors...

:(

2010-10-13T13:12:00.000-07:00

the poor guy had a fever last night but this morning, he woke me up with his little giggles and cuddles. 45 minutes before my alarm went off.

blur

2010-10-12T15:36:00.000-07:00

It's hard to take pictures when he moves around so darn much (and its from my phone)! we got this trike thing (not part of the recall, i think. um i hope) awhile back but he just started to really be into it. more like be a menace on it! he totally climbed and stood on it all by himself and even tried to rock it that way! we of course were good parents and told him not to do that while laughing and taking pictures (further encouraging him im sure).

Charlie's been busy trying to get out there and get a teaching job and we've been fortunate enough to have had amazing friends watch Jax for a few hours while Charlie was out and about. But it seems like we will have to seriously find something more permanent (hopefully..its bittersweet) soon - a daycare situation or a nanny share or something. what we really need is some sort of drop-in care really, since most likely Charlie will be able to get substitute teaching jobs and those are usually at a moments notice. sigh...no more daddy day care?!

reading chair

2010-10-08T13:03:00.000-07:00

yesterday after work, i decided to go home and pick up jax and go to ikea. ever since our playdate with Eve last weekend, where he had climbed in and just sat in Eve's little arm chair, i have been itching to get one. well when i researched the cost of one similar - it was a little pricier than I thought it should be so i checked ikea - and they had one for 30 bucks! SOLD! We had dinner there too. and that was somewhat of a challenge since i was by myself. i had forgotten how it was to be with jax by myself, in public, where people can judge my parenting abilities.

so this is how it went down, mostly in my head of course - i had jax in a mei tai carrier and my trusty medela pump bag on one shoulder carrying a bunch of unnecessary items that i probably wont use but you know just in case. anyway, i go up to the counter, grab a tray..ok, i can do this, i think to myself. i order a salmon platter for jax and a meatball platter for myself, put it all on the tray..ok, i got this, it takes a little bit of balancing and swatting jax's hands off of the tray luckily he is facing me and not the tray (doesnt mean he is more cooperative). i grab a glass, pay the lady who wants to chit chat while i just need to find the closest table away from people who will be annoyed by food being thrown at them or the floor, which i could try and control but its either that or a screaming child. take your pick. so i find a table near another group with a kid who looks to be close to jax's age but a tad older. i grab a high chair and strap jax in. phew, that wasnt so bad. oh wait. i forgot utensils. crap. now, do i leave him strapped in and walk away for a second? surely, this mom next to me would understand right? eh..ok, i unstrap jax and pick him up and take him with me to get the utensils. crap, my drink. go back up and get a drink. ok, im good to go. and finally sit down to eat..all goes well and then he drops his fork. then my fork. then my spoon. and then i forgot i dont have any napkins. is it okay to use the only cloth diaper i brought as a napkin? why didnt i bring any wipes? what? there has to be one in here somewhere? oh well. we finish our food and jax begins to say hi to this couple behind us, who i thought was totally annoyed that i sat near them (well maybe the guy was but not the girl).

anyway, i let jax loose amongst the kids furniture and he loved it. he loves the free open space and loves being chased. we bought the chair in the photos and some other little items. so far, he is liking the chair. it kinda matches our glider right now, but i'd like to change the fabric some day, when im not lazy (HA!).

BTW, if you want to know when a good time to avoid mass amounts of people at Ikea is - its right after work - like at 5. it's pretty deserted and it feels like they are about to close but you have like 3 hours (to what almost feels like) all to yourself.

Happy Friday!

2010-10-07T10:15:00.000-07:00

throughout the day i get these lovely picture text messages from charlie. sometimes my heart melts and sometimes i laugh out loud (in my office. to myself. and get weird looks from my coworkers) - i mean look at jax's face in the above picture. making a mom fool of myself at work is so worth it.

screwed

2010-10-05T10:46:00.000-07:00

sorry there are no pictures for this - but i should have been prepared. you would think the camera was strapped around my neck at all times just for these moments.

So last night as the hubby was tinkering on the internet preparing for his day today to solicit a teaching job at private schools in the east bay, i was downstairs watching on demand catching up on my tv shows - actually it just serves as background noise and fodder. i ended up just chasing jax around for fun and noticed him being quiet for a few moments as I was able to watch some bits of my show. and then, he comes up to me and (shoves) shows me his bottle that he so ingeniously figured out how to screw the lids on. i was amazed. and then thought, wait maybe im losing my mind and I was the one that had put the lid on in the first place. so i unscrewed them and gave him a couple of more empty bottles and lids and again he was quiet for sometime and I got to watch some shows. And sure enough he really did screw those lids on!

So we went upstairs to share the news with papa, and much to my enthusiasm on the subject, he was not surprised at all..i guess jax had already been snapping lids to things before tonight :(..oh but i said - he screwed them on! and Charlie said oh, no he hasnt done that. YES! alas - something i was there for..victory is mine, or err jax's. ahh such fine motor skills that boy. As I lay on the bed, reading a book and relax a bit. jax is running around (and around and around), in and out of our bedroom to his room, to the bathroom and i guess i didnt notice that he had brought in his body wash/shampoo and unscrewed the lid and spilled it all over our bedroom floor. crap, such fine motor skills.

stuff

2010-10-01T13:01:00.000-07:00

he likes tomatoes just like his dad when he was younger!

*I moved the original post over to my other blog. it just fit better there and should have been there in the first place. and after mulling about what i wrote some more, i wanted to add that i know things dont change overnight and being human i often expect that and then some. but it takes time and we are going to stumble and fall in the process (meaning, im still going to get frustrated easily but i wont use my grief as an excuse.)

ONE!

2010-09-29T21:59:00.000-07:00

Sorry for the late post. Thank you for all those who came out near and far to celebrate this huge milestone. ONE YEAR OLD! Wow, we have a one year old.

Jax is walking more and more and attempts to even run. He loves going up and down the stairs and being chased after. He still likes to push things around the house half his actual toys and half our furniture. He blows kisses and gives hugs and waves bye-bye. he loves to talk and has lots to say, but we still don't quite understand what he is saying.

Check out videos here.

tick tock

2010-09-23T09:21:00.000-07:00

Jesus. What is the universe trying to tell me?! This morning as I trolled amongst the parenthood blogs, I stumbled upon 3 blogs about..dum dum dum…having a second baby. What the eff? Of course this is after the long conversation last night with chuck (I know, I usually never use that nickname but right now and probably next time, it makes it easier because technically I cant just use cw anymore cause those happen to be my initials now too and that would just confuse you right? Ahem..)on how um, im still not quite myself but like 85% myself. which is (a lot) more than I did feel a few months back.

And yes, I know I need to post some photos and updates like HELLO? Jax is one..ONE! and walking or rather toddling.. and yes we had a birthday party – down in el lay with some wonderful wonderful amazing friends some of whom came from out of town and of course my boisterous family.

When I get home today, I’ll post stuff up. I had started to get the photos together but then stuff happened which caused things to not happen.

In the meantime, check out these blogs for a good read and some laughs.

Much love, Nicole

649.133, Girls, the care and raising of

Other pieces of me

2010-09-04T23:20:00.000-07:00

here is an old video ive been meaning to post. i cant remember where we were coming from when i took this. i cant remember at all. thats pretty sad. or just my mom brain. anyway, all i know is, wherever we went and whatever we did - he sure had a lot of fun cause he was pooped.

2010-08-19T17:21:00.000-07:00

So, our lil Jax’s first birthday is coming up and preparations are slow coming. There will also be a baptism (simply due to my family’s tradition) for him and his lil baby cousin from Chicago. Standard me, wants to um – get all crafty or take on a huge job in a very short amount of time (like my wedding – in which I prepared 2 store bought cakes, dressed them up as a 2 tiered wedding cake, cooked & prepared some of the food (for 30 guests), made my bouquet and Charlie’s boutonniere all on the same day) – I called the bakery/café in LA where they have these amazing red velvet cupcakes that I loved when I was pregnant but for 60 cupcakes it would cost me $75! And so I am thinking to hell with it, if we arrive there Friday and the party is Saturday, I can make about 60 cupcakes on Friday night – and perhaps even tackle a cake for the Baptism part? Or am I just too insane? Ok, maybe just the cupcakes, right?

So how are we doing? Well, so far so good. Sunday we spent Charlie’s 35th birthday watching the SF Giants lose to the San Diego Padres sitting under the scorching sun – (Yes! Even in San Francisco!) To let Charlie enjoy the game, I left our bleacher seats with Jax and walked around the park and eventually just stuck around the trolley car they have up on the deck. Jax loved it. There were so many kids to catch his attention that he missed his nap and didn’t want to eat. He banged on the window, cruised around the seats and yelled at the Giants.

Jax has 2 teeth at the bottom where one is a bit taller than the other one. He has 4 coming in at the top - 2 of which are mostly in but not quite. It’s funny cause I remember thinking to myself and saying to Charlie – when will he have his first tooth? – thinking this because I started to fear that he would get to 12 months without a tooth in sight. And whatdaya know – bam, one popped up and then 4 all at once..poor kid, he’s a bit cranky at times and in the middle of the night he gets super whiney because of it. And really, I’m retarded for fearing that he won’t have teeth as if there seriously is a deadline (cause there isn’t..and if you breast feed – having them not come in yet is a blessing!)

My lil sister spent Friday night & Saturday with us – which was great. Charlie was away on a men’s retreat all day Saturday (he left at 6 am and didn’t get home till midnight) so having her around on Saturday was helpful even though Jax chose that day to have separation anxiety. I would be lying though if I said that when it happens, it doesn’t warm my heart. It lets me know that despite being with his dad all day during the week – he’s still attached to me. So much so, then on Sunday Charlie’s birthday – Jax didn’t want to be left with his dad while I made us breakfast :)

I was going to put up this cute video from my phone but today my phone decided to freeze up on me instead of do its update. i hope all my photos and videos are still intact..*cross fingers*..anyways, can't wait for this weekend :)

sort of an update, but not really

2010-08-06T15:08:00.000-07:00

photos by Patrick Sinnott

ok, so my dear friend amy asked me to update the blog a bit..so here are some pictures - although this is from almost 3 months ago - wait, really? WOW, was memorial day that long ago? as you can see jax is a natural, his parents on the other hand? yeah, we should just remain behind the cameras. this was once again proven to to me when we went to an appointment that charlie set up yesterday with our church (yes, we have a church. have we gone to church? um, no. why are we even part of a church? well, we are planning to baptize jax in september so anyway, long story short - we pretend to be good catholics). we took pictures in the church/schools gym and i mean there wasnt even a mirror around for you to check yourself out..no wonder they kept pushing the retouching thing. because our pictures were awful. the company reminded me of when we all had to suffer thru school photographs and in my head i was thinking of this. i think they made us (me) purposefully look terrible (coloring and what not. oh and FAT) so that you will buy their retouching fee. but no we settled for our free 8x10 and that was that, much to their disappointment. they had good pictures of jax (but patrick's - above photos - were better) but of his parents? oh hell no. i guess thats what we get for not going to church.

we are in the midst of planning for jax's first birthday party - which will be in LA (sorry bay area peeps)...so i'll try and keep you posted.

Happy Friday everyone! Let the weekend commence!

Tricks are for Kids

2010-07-13T22:19:00.000-07:00

Some recent videos:

i love the faces he makes! if you can believe it, jax is a mere 8 weeks from turning into a toddler (although he pretty much toddles any chance he can get) or what I call part baby part boy (a boyby, if you will). he is absolutely amazing and he really provides much of the strength I have to not fall apart sometimes. like yesterday - which was the 1 year anniversary of my mother's death. its kind of odd to call it an anniversary, why would anyone want to celebrate that? - thats because its really to celebrate the life she did have. i know she is with me in all the parenting that i do. i miss her and i am glad i have jax here to share with him memories of her.

*I forgot to include a link to the annual AFSP walk that we will participate in again this year. Please visit the link and if you can (I know times are tough money wise for everyone) please donate and support this cause. You can even support it by walking with us at the crack of dawn the day after my birthday! Its at Lake Merritt in Oakland on October 16th.

when i get a chance ill scan some photos i stole from my brother when i was in oregon. he had salvaged a box full of photos of us growing up as kids from their move from LA to oregon. theres some real treasures there.

our lil squiggy

2010-06-27T23:13:00.000-07:00

i decided to actually brush jax's hair into the devil lock thing that charlie's friend said jax looks like he has naturally, but after seeing these he looks more like squiggy than the danzig thing..oh well.

this weekend's plans were sort of thwarted by me not feeling so well. we had planned to go camping and or at least go out for a day hike with my friend Roz..sigh, its hard being sick. for one, since im the only one working, i cant really take any time off from work (i started feeling sick Weds/Thurs). two, i can't take any cold or flu medicines to help me feel (at least somewhat) better because im still breastfeeding. and three, it just plain sucks when you dont feel good, right? especially, when you cough so much at night which wakes up the baby you just spent 30 mins trying to put to sleep.

despite being sick - it was a pretty good weekend. saturday, charlie woke up early and made us breakfast - a yummy fresh herb broccoli and green bean scramble. our neighbors came over to watch some of the world cup while i went and took a walk with jax in the mei tai carrier (where he actually napped a bit in). sunday, we actually slept in till about 10 am! and charlie took jax for a walk while i snoozed in some more (cause i had felt a whole lot worse today) and when they got home i made us brunch - eggs benedicts (one w/ salmon & one w/ bacon and home fries).

we also took apart jax's crib (that he never slept in) and put the crib mattress on the floor of his room. while we are not yet ready to transition him from our bed to his room, we're getting there. he moves around so much more now that he's mobile. i woke one night a few weeks ago and found him near the foot of our bed laying on charlie's leg! YIPES! our bedroom is not at all baby proof and really can't be (computer stuff/wires etc..) but his room finally is. we also decided, albeit a bit too late, to try out the kiddie pool my dad had bought us awhile back. jax loved it! the more he was in it the more comfortable and adventurous he became and crawled around. so maybe next time its hot out we'll invite some of jax's friends for a play date and have the kiddie pool out.

next weekend is 4th of July weekend and we are planning to drive up to Oregon and spend it on the farm again. are we crazy? perhaps, perhaps. well, wish us luck. this will be the longest road trip for jax. we are planning to go after dinner on friday night so he will (hopefully) be asleep for most of the trip.

2010-06-26T12:24:00.000-07:00

so i finally was able to put up Jax's home birth video and swapped the audio (not entirely my choice - picked from a list available on youtube). if you care to see it, go here - and yes, its "graphic" - there's a baby being born!

2010-06-23T16:26:00.000-07:00

Check out this blog i just stumbled upon. I figured since i have a hard time updating frequently due to an assortment of things (ahem, laziness) that doesn't mean you guys should walk away empty handed when you actually took the time to visit here. so there, you're welcome :)

what happened?

2010-06-22T21:50:00.000-07:00

the first time i watched this, i couldnt even pay attention to the relative cuteness. instead i really just wanted to wipe the dungis (muck or grime or boogies and stuff in tagalog) off his face.

2010-06-12T09:11:00.000-07:00

it was busy busy busy at the Wagner household this past month. on memorial day weekend we flew to visit my dad and younger siblings in Oregon. where we were also able to squeeze in visits to other remarkable people and places, like friends in Seattle, Beaverton, Portland and even Charlie's Aunt Lesley who lives on a farm in Scappoose. The farm is home to a bunch of wonderful animals like 8 dogs, 3 cats, lots of chickens & roosters, some cows & bulls, 4 horses and even a miniature donkey named Elvis. Jax was on cloud nine. his favorite was chasing the chickens and roosters. we all had an amazing time together that we wished we could have stayed longer. and as for me - i had to head straight into work when we landed back in Oakland - :(.

Jax is now 9 months old. he is pretty mobile these days and gets into everything! he isnt a seasoned crawler just yet (and thank goodness!) he goes back and forth from his typical frantic army crawl to the more common on the knees crawl. and still no teeth, even though we thought we saw one coming in. it wasnt a tooth but is a calcium deposit that will simply go away on its own. we've become lazy and simply feed him food from our plate which luckily he hasnt had any allergic reactions to. we still put him on the potty but since he's been eating more solid foods he's been having a bit of a #2 problem. when we went on our trip we made sure to bring his potty with us (and he went on it) but we forgot to bring it to the farm. i decided to try and let him pee while holding him over the toilet, and to my surprise - he went a little, looked back at me and when i said good job, he continued to pee. no, really! i was shocked too. i was so amazed i wanted to high five someone.

and recently on a whim last Sunday, we ventured to the San Lorenzo river in Felton (near Santa Cruz). we had to sort of scale down a hill to get to the river (something the website didnt mention. they also failed to mention that the railroad tracks are still in use) but it was totally worth it. we found ourselves a secluded spot along the river. we swam, played in the water and had lunch. good times, great weather. yay, summer!

teaser

2010-06-02T22:55:00.000-07:00

sorry for the lack of updates and photos. ive been meaning to upload videos which were taken by my phone and for some reason aren't able to transfer to my computer or rather cw's mac but ive managed to upload a few to youtube (the only way to get them off of my phone right now). here is a mere sample (picture quality isnt great):

a real update to follow..

2010-05-09T20:55:00.000-07:00

i had a really hard time getting thru today. i went about ignoring things. i had masked it and tried to pretend it would be okay but the truth is i wasnt. i wanted to spend the day just sleeping (of course this is next to impossible with an 8 month old). mostly because i wanted to ignore what today meant and also cause i wanted to try and sleep in (what? a girl can dream cant she?). i had made plans to go and do this motherless daughters group thing at the lake and then things just werent working out in that direction and it was easier to just not go. but i decided i would still do what i had intended to do at the lake - remember my mom, write to her and make a luminaries bag. to which i remembered that i found this old mother's day card i made for her years ago, back in 1998 (thats the front of it, above. yes, thats lil me - im guessing im about 3 yrs old). this picture/card is in jax's room above his changing table amongst pictures of charlie as a baby and one of my mom's elephant thingie.

it read (left side):

M♥M,

I hope you know that i think about you always. take care of yourself and remember that I love you. I know in the past we weren't much of buddies or mother and daughter, but thats the past. We must revel in the present to forge on to the future.

Dont worry about not offering me the treasures of the world, because I enjoy one of the wonder's of the world = you, my mother.

Enjoy your day. relax, don't worry! there is plenty of time.

P.s. I enjoy your cards.

Love,
Cherlyn

(Right side):

Dearest Mommy,

I LOVE YOU!

♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥

You were there then and still are now! Well of course you were then, you gave birth to me, silly lil' me. now I'm all grown up and in a university, tryin to make you proud.

then there is a picture of me (in 1998 - oh my gawd! yuck) - from then till now, all grown up with a mind of my own. (and then in smaller print) - This is probably going to get you late! Sorry!

-----

so, this is my first mothers day as a mother myself and my first one without my own mother. just reading and writing out what the card said, i mean i'm speechless (and balling my eyes out of course) - all of it is true and can be said now of course. except the fact that there isn't plenty of time because she's gone. and how foolish of me to think there really was plenty of time. i guess i beat myself up for choosing so late in life to try and understand her and learn about her own trials and tribulations. i mean, she was only 21 years old when she became pregnant with me and then later married my father who was only 23 himself. i can only imagine the sacrifices she would have made and to put on hold the self she had inspired to be. i wish i had asked her more questions, i wish i hadnt been so selfish. i'm so sorry mom. but the truth is, i probably wouldnt have been able to understand the fullness of her, the absolute her, until i became a mother myself. sure, i could have made it a bit easier and tried to understand where she was coming from but not until i became a mother myself (and perhaps cleaned myself up a bit of most of my selfish deeds and wrong doings and messed up misgivings) that i could have truly seen her as she really was or at least fathom what and who she was and is...which is an amazing person.

happy mothers day to all the mothers, here and especially to those who arent within reach but within our hearts. i love you mom. with all my heart. forever and ever. and ever. i miss you terribly.

p.s. thank you jax (and charlie) for taking care of me today.

mommy & me

2010-04-26T22:49:00.000-07:00

I'm always worried (and terrified) that since Jax spends most of his days with his dad, that he will start to favor his dad over me. but each time i see him at the end of my work day, he always seems super excited to see me when we say hello after being apart for the day. it's something i look forward to after a rough day at the office.

he's getting so big now and becoming such a little boy right before our eyes :( . we think he will start crawling soon. hes been lunging at things, getting up on his knees (or trying to and teetering) and getting boo boos on his head. he never seems to sit still these days, especially when you try and put on his diaper or dress him. pretty soon we will have to baby proof our cluttery house (uh-oh). no teeth yet (and thats ok by me!). he's been eating more servings of solid food (this week its broccoli) and has had plain pasta, soba noodles, yogurt, and his daddy's tortilla de patatas.

2010-04-19T23:29:00.000-07:00

He apparently liked the swings..

happy anniversary

2010-04-13T15:15:00.000-07:00

We celebrated our first wedding anniversary last night. cw lined up a babysitter - our lovely neighbors. who i just found out will be putting an offer on a house tomorrow - which makes us very sad. not because we are losing our potential occasional babysitter but because they are wonderful charming people to have right next door. we have another couple in our 4-plex who are also putting in their offer for a house. sigh..these couples are newlyweds so i guess it comes with the territory. you get married then you buy a house, then you have a kid..oh wait. anyways..we decided to just stay in and enjoy dinner at home without the rush of having to tend to a 7 month old. except that we had to tend to our starving stomachs which were used to the normal rush rush rush (rush to get home and nurse or pump, rush to cook dinner and rush to eat) we typically experience once i get home from work. we enjoyed a beet & quinoa salad, seared scallops and steamed mussels in a white wine garlic sauce.

the above pictures are from the very day, two years ago - april 12th - of when we first met and went out on an undate. did i know two years ago that i would be with him today and for the rest of my life? no, not quite. but i did know that if i had wanted to spend that much time with someone i just met (we spent 10 hours together that day and i really didnt want the undate to end) he was at least a contender. but it wasnt long after that first - not as awkward as you would have thought - undate, that i knew he was more than just the contender..he was definitely the one.

2010-04-07T10:09:00.000-07:00

Well, that was weird. It must be a sign! Right? Let me explain. Yesterday (that would be two days ago now, if I actually am able to publish this post today), I was trolling the internet (at my job) and fantasizing about getting a new one. One that would pay a considerable amount more so that we could continue this stay at home dad lifestyle we’ve become accustomed to. But then last night as I settled in and perused the internet on my phone (as I normally do when Jax is drifting off to sleep- please go to sleep?!), I read a post on this blog I go to often. The blogger wrote about how despite the mediocre paycheck she got, the flexibility of her workplace and the awesome people she worked with more than made up for it (I think that’s what she was saying). As I continued to read the post and exclaimed YES (in my head of course, Jax was sleeping- YAY) at every perk the blogger mentioned, I felt sort of relieved and it calmed my woes and fears of my own mediocre paycheck (not that its terribly mediocre. I have definitely climbed the ranks and in a short amount of time here) because what my workplace lacks in monetary accommodations it more than makes up for it in its people and flexibility. This morning I realized this is sort of a hot button topic, as I found a few more blogs and articles regarding – workplace flexibility. so hot that its taken up residence in the white house. well, figuratively speaking of course.

Anyway, I know I should count my lucky stars that one of us is able to stay home to take care of Jax and that even with my mediocre salary we are able to not only survive but maintain some of our luxuries like having/buying fresh local and or organic produce and live in the house we were in when we were single and a sort of two income household (oh AND have internet and cable!).

My workplace is pretty awesome, in all the ways that the blogger had said hers is. My boss knows my husband by name and asks about Jax on a daily basis. He even likes it when they drop by so he can hold and play with him. It helps that he is a father also (He has a daughter who is 10). His wife schedules lunches with us outside of work and we go on hikes together. We get invited to weddings and definitely have birthday cakes at our office for employee birthdays- although we seem to always forget our boss' birthday (i know, terrible) until after the day. It's really a relaxed atmosphere. There is no dress code and I feel comfortable with having my tattoos out in the open. I also get home at a reasonable time (by 5 pm) and weekends are all mine. Work is left at work (but my brain has a hard time understanding this sometimes). I know that in other larger companies of the same trade, someone in my position could have a company car, maybe a company credit card for expenses and also earn $10K to $20,000 more annually (and now with my newly acquired credential, it could be more)- but then again that same person in that larger company may not have a job right now in this economy or never even had the wonderful perks that I have here. In many ways the rewards are priceless. Some of which we won't know or can define until Jax is much older or when we actually have to go to a two income family to compare it to.

But still, I fantasize when we both can stay at home and not have to seriously work just to make ends meet. For now we pull on those ends and make a knot. And sometimes when those knots get undone, I unravel and worry about how we will get by and then I fantasize about getting a new higher paying job. its a vicious cycle.

for reals

2010-04-01T15:00:00.000-07:00

originally from Oh dee doh site:

Seriously? these are real products?? and people actually bought these.

These are just two of ten that were on the oh dee doh site. a medicine cup lined with sugar to make the medicine go down easier? now, couldn't you just dip the regular medicine cups that is usually comes with the medicine in sugar or pixie crack of some sort? honestly, sugar rimmed medicine cups? made by a pediatrician no less. and is it me, or do those "pee pee bottles" look like your average nalgene bottles? and really, i dont think one would want to advertise that youre carrying around your pee pee..or again, it could just be me.

i was thinking of a clever april fools joke to post but alas nope. none. fail. bleh. is it friday yet?

new videos

2010-03-28T16:29:00.000-07:00

i dont really expect you to watch them all, but i did only put the most interesting ones up (youre welcome). the last one is the most recent. as of this weekend he learned to do this thanks to cw. enjoy!

lunch time. i think this one was with yams (which means this was at least 2 or 3 weeks ago). we are now onto butternut squash. so far he hasn't not liked anything. yet.

jax, like all babies, does cry. even though our neighbors always comment on the fact that they never hear him, if he does. but he does.

this is how he gets when he's fighting off a sleepy spell. he never fails to do this when its time for his nap. if this doesnt happen, he usually just gets loud. as if to say - HEY MY MINIONS, it is high time you lull and sway me to sleep. you know how i like it. DO IT NOW. ah ah ah..bahhhh.....and so on.

we started making those typical hand to mouth noises for him and he caught on (whats the pc name for it?). learning how to do it for himself. i love how he grabs his other hand to do it.

let's get this potty started right

2010-03-24T19:41:00.000-07:00

So...we both lost the bet. I would have won if I had checked the exact weight of his last check up visit. The nurse we had called it though. I liked her. She overheard cw talking on his cell phone telling whoever it was on the other line that he is a stay at home dad. So when i was undressing Jax, she was speaking to Jax and saying how her little one also spends time with his dad and how they get to have all the fun and mess and that when she gets home she's the lucky one who gets to clean it all up and still make dinner.

Jax was great as usual except of course when it came time to get the shots. the nurse who administered the shot was a lot better than the one we got at our last check up. i nursed him right before and right after. but this time he didnt conk out like he had done before. this time he was up and cheerful after nursing and was happy to look around while we walked home.

oh and also - Jax's doc said to start getting into the habit of putting him on a baby potty each morning. WHAT?! really? a potty? at 6 months? he said, since he is such a good sitter upper (not exactly in those words), yeah sure why not and the fact that we use cloth, it would be an "easy" enough transition. i think what he meant to say was - arent you guys hippies? you guys are crunchy like that right? - well, okay then. anyways. i was perplexed, albeit somewhat intrigued by the idea. so much so that when we got home i went to amazon and ordered a little baby bjorn potty.

fast forward to the day after we got the potty. i get a picture text message from cw of the potty. with poop and pee in it. i, of course, thought he was joking. i mean, come on, we had it for a day. cw is definitely pulling a fast one on me. then i thought, wait, he does not have the luxury to create such an elaborate scheme only to pull my leg and besides there was no more sweet potato food cubes to pull it off. i still texted him back and called bullshit. but no, it was real baby poo poo. it seems as if all my conversations these days are about poo poo. so, yeah, he goes pee and poo on his potty - but only when we actually are not lazy and remember to put him on it (we do it at least every morning when he gets up). but we still put him in diapers. like i said. we are lazy. now of course all this is without controversy, as is with a lot of parenting and child rearing issues. but if you think about it, its work you either do now or do later and later is when they can throw the poop back at you. on purpose.

if you want to read more about the controversy, go here. and here. and here is an article in the ny times.

weekend update

2010-03-15T13:39:00.000-07:00

helping daddy with the laundry. he's pretty good at folding, isnt he?

got a new toy from auntie jenny (thanks! he loves it - i was trying to find it online to recommend it but no such luck)

he's learning to stop and smell the flowers, or rather just grabbing the pretty flowers and enjoying (destroying) it with his hands.

i still need to put up our photos from denver and write more regularly, sorry i was feeling a bit under the weather this weekend so a lot of the stuff on my to do list just didnt get done (which happens a lot, not the being sick part but the not getting done part). and for being sick, since im really good at ignoring my body's signals, i was able to fool myself into thinking i just had a bad sinus headache and skipped out on a lot of stuff that im sure cw would of rather had me do (like do yoga) and got in some naps (thanks cw & jax). we were able to tidy up the house over the weekend and the nursery room finally looks like a nursery room again (not that jax stays in there much) but by tomorrow it will all probably be in shambles again. oh well.

jax is becoming a great eater. most of the food stays in his mouth rather than everywhere else. but man, if someone was to have told me that his poop would be as stinky as it is because of the intro to solid foods - i would have waited much much longer to start. seriously. its like, dude - i often gag now when i have to change his #2 diapers. luckily, i dont have to often - HA - i mean, thanks cw.

today is his 6 month check up. we have bets going on how much he will weigh. i said 18lbs, figuring that at each check up he gains 2 lbs, but i forgot that he now eats solids! cw says he's about 20lbs. So, we'll see. oh and he gets his booster shots today too...wish us luck.

2010-03-09T13:49:00.000-08:00

2010-03-04T12:30:00.000-08:00

this is from denver. he was all bundled up. i think he had about 3 layers on here! he is of course a california kid.

Jax is almost 6 months old! WOW. half a year has gone by already and oh so fast. so far, Jax is able to sit up on his own (sort of). We usually sit by him when he does and I'm always trying to catch him when I think he is about to keel over but he usually never does. he just corrects himself and manages to wobble back to a stable upright position. he hasn't quite mastered rolling around (whenever i say roll over, i just think of dogs, so roll around it is) which is probably only good for us and not so much for him, seeing how we are still co-sleeping. he still likes to babble and squeal in excitement and his bedtime is now at 8 pm. we start the bedtime/bathtime routine around 7:15. we adjusted to this time completely naturally. and by naturally, i mean by way of a meltdown. on that meltdown night i was only able to put a diaper on him (sorta. it was half falling off) and nothing else. he just wanted to nurse and sleep, but sleep he did. he always manages to wake up with a smile at around 7:15 in the morning. every morning. he doesnt get that he/we can sleep in on the weekends. we are basically on a reverse cycle, where he takes in fewer bottles of milk during the day and sorta waits to be attached to me when i get home. and, well i kinda like it. its our time together and since we co-sleep, its easier on me this way. i do manage to get some sleep.

We have also started to introduce solid foods, although we're pretty bad at being consistent. On the weekends it is much easier to incorporate the solid foods but cw is, I hope, trying to get in the habit of at least one feeding of solids during the week. We give him rice cereal for breakfast (with some breast milk of course) and for dinner a fruit or a veggie. He loves pears, doesnt care too much for bananas, likes avocados and is trying out carrots and yams.

ps. i've moved the growth stats onto its own page that will get updated regularly with his developmental milestones. or just what he/we are up to lately. i still need to post more stuff from our denver trip, hopefully i can get to it this weekend.

Denver Part 1.5, or yet another reason why Jax maybe a bully

2010-02-27T14:30:00.000-08:00

Oh, looky another little person...

Howya doin other lil person? shake your hand?..

how bout a hug?

Nope, i changed my mind.

Sorry Nova, Jax didnt mean it. I think he was trying to pinch your cheeks but didnt have the proper coordination at the time. Great, im already making excuses for him. More pics to come...

Denver, part 1

2010-02-24T22:54:00.000-08:00

i think my aunt is right, perhaps jax will be a bully when he gets older. when we were in denver we met Liam, my best friend's nephew and one of the babies we follow on the blogosphere. and jax was SUPER excited and i mean SUPER, so much so that he squealed and screamed with delight. ALOT. this made the adults laugh, but liam was not feelin it. He of course just woke up from a nap. you would cry too. i mean, waking up at a different place than where you fell asleep at and waking up to a squealing smaller baby with a bunch of strangers is probably a little discombobulating. Sorry Liam.

here is a sampling of jax's wrath:

baby cobra

2010-02-17T10:37:00.000-08:00

phew all that yoga made me tired that I had my minion, I mean, that my Dad and I went out for a walk.

Up up, and away we go...

2010-02-12T15:37:00.000-08:00

we are off to denver tomorrow morning - early. way, way early. our flight is at 6:15 am (meaning, we will try to be at the airport by 4 am. gulp) i am so excited.

=^_^=

2010-02-07T21:59:00.000-08:00

no one around, do do do, hmm lets see if i can

oh, you caught me!

hehe, you snuck up on me.

so, you see..umm yawn, uh..

hmm, i forgot what i was babbling about. i think, im tired.

what is this thing, it makes a lot of noise. im going to eat it.

well, that doesnt make it stop..hmm, lets see..maybe if i turn it ...yawn

zzzz...

not again!

2010-02-05T12:03:00.000-08:00

so yesterday morning at around 4:58 am, I awoke to a familiar painful feeling - clogged milk ducts. this can't be, not again! yep sure enough it was. I started to panic. well because im lazy. i didnt want to run downstairs and wash out and put together the pump stuff and pump. i wanted to go back to sleep. you think i would have already learned my lesson from past experiences and not waited or hesitated, but i did. it was 5 am! everyone was asleep - including me! and that is a hard feat in and of itself. So, it was pretty obvious what i had to do. wake a sleeping baby! crazy, i know. jax was not waking up. here i am trying to force feed the kid, poking at him with my boob and nothing. absolutely nothing. he would stir and try to move away from me. pretty much trying to tell me - leave me alone, im sleeping. but sometimes he would clamp on (still half asleep, eyes closed) only to fall back to sleep sleep within seconds thus giving me no relief whatsoever. what was i to do? it just felt like it was getting worse and more painful as 8 am grew near. I hate to have to use being a mother as an excuse for not being able to show up to work. So instead of not going in at all, I decided to go into work late. But it was clear to me at about 9:48 am, that it was not getting any better. And since I hadnt been getting any rest, I decided to throw in the towel and take a sick day.

anyway, now im back at work, a little bit better but its still not completely gone. one thing is for sure - ive mastered the art of squirting, i mean, manual expression (which means i lose the milk though!) which helps to relieve the pressure/pain and move the clog along (at least for me). which actually works much better than the pump.

this weekend will be spent marathon nursing and resting. we were gonna go and spend super bowl sunday at penny's but its probably best that i rest and nurse instead. I dont want to have this when we go off to denver. the last time i had a bout with a clog, it took a full seven days to be completely gone! ouch.

will post some videos and pics of lil big jax soon.

2010-02-02T09:53:00.000-08:00

a case of the mondays

2010-01-25T13:29:00.000-08:00

What the?!

Ok, I think ive had enough.

2010-01-20T10:47:00.000-08:00

yeah, so on wednesdays this is what my boys are up to, while im at work...lucky bastards..

bath time

2010-01-11T13:23:00.001-08:00

around 9 pm - we start our bedtime routine which consists of a warm bath, a baby massage and reading from a book. we top it off with a little boob juice nightcap. he's usually off to dreamland by 10:30.

last night before starting the bath, we had a little playtime. i finally figured out how to get him to laugh out loud! then, i realized he was trying to illicit my laughter and not the other way around, at least thats what it seemed like to me. best times for sure. oh, and of course i tried to record it on video and i sat there like an idiot holding the camera thinking it was recording, when in fact the memory was full. epic fail.

until next time...

2010-01-09T15:03:00.000-08:00

lunch time

2010-01-07T08:47:00.000-08:00

I started to feel my right (the "go to" boob or the meal boob. the left one is just the snack/grazing boob) breast get full at oh say 9 am on wednesday morning. I ignored it (an obvious mistake) thinking - my pump session is the next hour. it can wait. In hindsight, I realized I should have just gone and pump. you see, that morning I didnt nurse Jax on that side, like I normally do (another mistake). and nursed on the left one since it usually is neglected (but with no subsequent problems).

it was obvious that i had a clogged duct because unfortunately, its something i have already experienced and thus, should have known better. but when have i ever listened to my body or paid attention to the pains it has and done something about it? never. unless of course you count that time i was in labor. in case you dont know and have not experienced it (and i hope to god you never do) a clogged duct is when one of the milk ducts in your breast gets blocked and inflamed, and the milk cannot flow regularly out of the breast. The signs of a clogged duct, in my case anyway, was that some of my breast (the top part) remained hard and tender with lumps closer to the nipple (i have had the lumps in different areas and even under the arm pit - which is way more painful), that remain even after nursing or pumping. Nursing was, IS, painful but for me it was that - hurts so good kind of feeling.

one order of razor blades to the nipple please

So, how do you go about unclogging the ducts? the usual, most widely given remedy is to nurse, nurse, nurse - did i tell you how it was sorta painful? yeah, well its like razor blades. it also helps to place heat on the affected breast, or take hot showers/baths and or (almost forcefully) massage the breast while nursing or taking the hot showers/baths.

i did the hot showers AND the hot baths. hot compress, pressure massage, nursing then pumping, and more nursing and pumping and even more nursing - but i could only do these remedies properly while at home. at work? well, its just difficult. it has been 2 days and while it isnt AS bad as it was, its still not good. i know for a fact that, if i were at home instead of at work, i think i would have recovered by now, since ultimately pumping is NOT the same as nursing. no matter how great (and expensive) your pump is, it can never beat nor completely mimic your baby's sucking ability. oh and by the way, on top of all this - yesterday, probably due to a lot of side lying position nursing and other wacko nursing positions to relieve this - i have a wicked stiff neck.

since i am not the type to panic and knowing from a previous bout with a much more progressed clog (got chills, then a slight fever and other flu like symptoms. which are signs of infection!! BAHHH. having had a full day of rest - no work - and only nursing, i fully recovered after 72 hours.) i feel like if i just continue with what i am doing it will just run its course. ive been getting lunch time nursing visits with jax in order to speed up the recovery process but thank god the weekend is just about here so all i can do from 5 pm on today is rest and nurse, nurse, nurse!

one order of a paying job equals a clogged experience?

Clogged ducts will occur when your breasts arent drained completely and or properly (aka, the dreaded poor latch). some other causes are:

an improperly fitted or poor quality bra (esp. one with an underwire)
breastfeeding infrequently - missed or skip feedings, or irregular breast feeding schedules
sickness and or stress (tell me mamas, when arent you stressed?)
employment - yes, employment, meaning a job outside of the home (is this punishment?).

From La Leche League - "Women employed outside the home need to be aware of the warning signs of mastitis, especially when they first return to work and are adjusting to the demands of work and motherhood. Separated from their babies, they need to pump regularly to avoid overfull breasts, plugged ducts, and possible mastitis. In addition, employed mothers need to schedule their days to allow adequate time to rest and care for themselves as well as their babies."

I hope you never have to experience a clogged duct, but if you are a breast feeding mother with an abundant supply, chances are you will have a few (yes, i said a few. especially if you are a working mom). Here are some things you should know and or can try:

Heat - you can use a compress, soak in a hot bath or take a hot shower, and or place a heating pad on the affected breast. Heat will help bring blood to the affected area and warm and loosen the clogged duct. No heat pad? dont worry, there is no need to buy a specifically made heat pad for the boob (but if you are inclined to buy those, you can find one here and here) you can do the following if you dont have a heat pad or hot water bottle -

1. you can make your own heat pad by filling a regular tube sock (clean ones preferably, unless you want a little flavor with yours) with uncooked rice - fill to the desired pliability and then sew the end up. You can put this in the microwave or oven (wrap it in foil for the oven NOT the microwave of course) OR place it in your freezer or fridge as well for cold use. You can also add essential oils or herbs for some soothing aromatherapy.

2. If thats not your thing you can also just fill a small mason jar (or any small type jar with a good lid) with hot water (not too hot so you dont burn yourself!) and use it to roll and massage the affected breast. I also just tuck it into my bra and it stays in place no problem. in fact, one is situated in my bra right now.

Massage - massage the clog and work your way toward the nipple. You should feel a hard or lumpy texture where your breast is clogged. It will hurt a little or a lot to massage and put pressure, but keep working at it. start behind the clog or hardened tender area and move on down toward the nipple.

Nurse and or pump - the idea is to keep milk flowing despite the clog. You want the breast to be as empty as possible, so it doesn't create more clogs or complicate the one you already have (if left untreated, it can lead to an infection). Try nursing and then pumping afterwards and nursing in different positions too - one way is to lay the baby on his/her back and you on all fours so that your boob dangles straight down into his mouth - yes, what a funny sight if someone were to walk in on you. Some sources say it helps to have your baby nurse with their chin toward the clog. yeah, i know. if this were the case, id have to hold him upside down! i know all of this sounds crazy, but once you have found yourself with a clogged duct - you will be searching for that magic cure out there anywhere by any means possible. like lick a tootsie roll upside down while singing twinkle twinkle little star? sure, so as long as it relieves the damn pain! (that is not a known remedy by the way - but it may have your baby go into a giggle fit)

you can also take tylenol or ibuprofen to bring down any inflammation or help alleviate some of the pain. i am always hesitant to take any sort of drugs (such a change from my earlier years - before kid) but even my midwives, who i trust dearly, have said that it is ok to take ibuprofen. i personally dont like tylenol as it has never relieved anything. both are said to be safe for breastfeeding.

for repeat offenders, some sources say taking lecithin helps to reduce clogged duct recurrence. Soy lecithin is a naturally occurring fatty acid and a common food additive. There are no known contraindications to its use by breastfeeding mothers. the usual recommended dosage for recurrent plugged ducts is 3600-4800 mg lecithin per day, or 1 capsule (1200 mg)3-4 times per day. After a week or two with no blockage, you can reduce the dosage by one capsule. If there is no blockage within another 2 weeks you can reduce it again by one. though you may need to continue taking 1-2 capsules per day if stopping the lecithin leads to additional plugged ducts. for more info on this subject look here.

so after all this, don't expect the clog to come right out. but if you keep working at it, eventually it will. It can take 2 to 3 days and, sadly, ive heard that it can be as long as a week. BUT if you spike a fever (or experience a low grade fever), experience body chills, and or have flu like symptoms or your the affected breast seems to be getting worse, by all means call your doctor! If nothing helps and you just want some relief (for both body and mind) - PLEASE call your doctor! or at the very least a trusted lactation consultant.

that said, clogged milk ducts are just part of the joys of breastfeeding (feign fake smile).

for more information on clogged ducts and mastitis please visit these informative sites:

kellymom

la leche league

Octaves and the Major-Minor Tonal System

2010-01-03T11:53:00.001-08:00

Jax's new discovery - his "voice" , originally uploaded by Tinyheat.

Good bye 2009

2009-12-31T15:20:00.000-08:00

2010 is eek, TOMORROW and as I look back and reflect on the roller coaster ride that was my 2009, i cant help but feel that it was still an amazing yet exhausting year. Life is full of ups and downs. I experienced the very essence of each within months of each other.

I hope this new year will be loaded with new and great experiences of joy, love, laughter and all the nuggets in between.

Lets see, this past year:

- i got pregnant

- got married

- lost my mom

- became a mom

- had friends move to another state

- and became the sole breadwinner of my family

because this is still a new transition, the effects of living off of a single income hasnt been felt yet. but by this time next year, i am sure we will know the somewhat rewarding yet ugly truth of it.

and what exactly are we going to do tonight? two weeks ago, i had high hopes of actually going out and celebrating. and then the reality of it started to sink in. which only had me feel even more tired. the planning part was exhausting. cw's mom was gonna be up visiting and taking care of jax. looking around for events and then realizing that i would probably never make it passed 10 o' clock (11, if im lucky, and 9 if wine is involved!) helped me decide on NOT spending more than 25 bucks a person. and then thinking about how tired i would be even if i did go out and listened to music, helped me decide on just watching a movie. so it was settled, we were gonna watch a movie. but then this morning, as the 8 hour total sleep i got in the past two days sunk in, i thought - hey, how about SLEEP? we can do that for 3 hours straight, right? and still have cw's mom watch jax. still, its more stressful than stress reducing. i still have to prepare for being away, like trying topump an extra bottle - just in case. but then im afraid of jax being overfed just so his fussiness could be controlled. and then fearing my boobs will cry for mercy at the end of the movie. and then and then..oh just shut it and enjoy yourself cherlyn.

Have a HAPPY NEW YEAR everyone! I hope this new year will bring in more...SLEEP, oh and you know all the other good stuff.

* yes, i know the one photo doesnt necessarily reflect 2009 but hey, i just needed to show myself as a baby since the end of 2009 is when i started to feel like the year i became an adult.

**Oh, and ps. its a blue moon tonight! Blue moon, now im no longer alone...

so it happened...

2009-12-29T15:10:00.001-08:00

I started writing out this post yesterday which had been in my head for quite sometime:

I know I've been neglecting the blog lately by not posting any actual updates and instead just post pictures and or videos. cut me some slack, i work full time, am managing a breast feeding/pump schedule and nursing while trying to keep the house in order. Also, its hard to write about updates because when you do, its like tempting the universe to laugh at you and shove a pie at your face. Jax is nearly 4 months old! my golly gosh, its amazing. So far, he is, gulp, dare i say it? - sleeping through the night. from 10PM until 6/7AM. We are still co-sleeping, because i can nurse in bed while im still half asleep and he usually never really wakes up but he still likes to snack in the middle of the night/morning . so yeah, once i hit publish post, he will never sleep again, and or shove a pie in my face. oh didnt i tell you? hes got the hand eye coordination thing down. lets see what else can i tempt the universe with?

so now...last night...IT happened - he didnt sleep thru the night and i didnt even have to hit publish. ahh change...its good right? yeah not if youve been up since 4 am and then have to work a full 8 hours and be stuck in an office away from what you really want to be doing....could it be a growth spurt? i sure hope so.

in other news he is getting to be a funny little man. he has only laughed out loud twice - once in the bath with me, and the other with cw but we both dont know what triggered it, so we cant for the life of us replicate it to hear that sweet sound again (he has been laughing out loud in his sleep since he was a month old). jax has also started to squeal and scream. though not while crying thank god! well, there are times when he does do a major orange alert cry - screaming bloody murder, but thankfully it is rare. i just tempted the universe again, didnt i? he also is now into kind of biting and chewing your face and at things. signs he maybe on the way to teething soon. he sits up with help and can scoot while on his tummy and a few times he has rolled onto his back but isnt quite there yet.

anyway, cw and jax are at yoga today while im stuck at, ahem, work, you know, working (blogging)?

Jax & Radley

2009-12-28T10:11:00.001-08:00

Jax & Radley, originally uploaded by ms.sandra.

this was from our trip down in LA during Thanksgiving week.

play time

2009-12-21T08:59:00.000-08:00

Monday, Monday Can't trust that day

2009-12-14T13:42:00.000-08:00

Oh Monday morning, you gave me no warning of what was to be...Sunday night at around 11:30 pm, all of us tucked in and Jax finally not so squirmy and was off to dreamland when I heard outside of our windows - beep beep beep..I'm assuming a truck was driving in reverse. And then all at once I pictured, from the sounds of it, a few trucks parking themselves out at our street and East Bay MUD working on the damn water main AGAIN. And from the sounds of some other jack hammer type equipment I thought - damn it EBMUD, I better have water when i wake up in the morning so i can shower and start my work week right. oh wait, i dont even do that, so thats ok. but alls i know is, it BETTER be quiet by midnight. was it? i cant remember.

ahh the mom brain. I have caught cw a few times infected with mom brain. even today, when i forgot my pump (yep) so he had to drive back and drop it off, he also brought with him some food for me and off they were to go to the city. but oops, he then had to drive back because he forgot to give me my food. only thing is - he did actually give me my food. he just didnt remember.

this morning as i begrudgingly woke up after snoozing my alarm 3 times, i grabbed my black sweater and then placed it on a chair to put my jeans and t-shirt on. when i went to put on the sweater - i could not for the life of me find it anywhere. i mean, i KNOW i just had it and i KNOW i placed it right here on the chair. wtf? i spent a good 30 minutes thinking and feeling like i was crazy. did i ever find it? yes. where did i find it? downstairs on the sofa. turns out, whatever i had in my hand this morning was NOT my black sweater but a black piece of clothing, of which i have so many.

our bedtime routine has always included a bath for jax and usually we are in the bath tub with him. last night i had to do bath time alone and luckily for me (us) he enjoys bath time and is never squirmy or fussy. I had always wondered, how he never manages to poo in the tub, pee sure. and yeah, there was a near miss that one time he just let it loose on his dads pants right before entering the tub. well, i dont wonder anymore cause last night as we were finishing up the bath, he let a fart bubble out and it was the funniest thing until i realized i saw floaty things and i lifted him up and sure enough. so i quickly took him out of the tub but then i got scared that doing so i would slip or something (this is why two people are always better than one) and so i quickly sat back down to get a better stance and as i got up i freaked out cause i noticed that the big dollup of poop was gone..shit, where did it go?????? and then i thought, well, if its in my hair, i would smell it right? gross, i know, but when you become a parent, you'll understand. you will become desensitized to a whole slew of things.

a few things that will change once you become a parent:

1. you become a morning person. it does not mean you will like it.
2. you now have the best excuse to bail out of almost anything.
3. you can legally use the carpool lane (in SF though, its 3 persons, so when you are all together - woo hoo, free and not as long of a line. sometimes)
4. while on parental leave and the first few weeks back at work - you will forget what day of the week it is. days will merge.
5. your memory will become worse and at times you will think you are crazy. i totally understand why my parents were so dense at times!

And a shout out:

CONGRATULATIONS TO JENNY & BRETT, who welcomed a baby girl.

ok, i gotta go pump!! you know, i have like 3 posts half written - one about a clogged milk duct (yes, it was awful), our thanksgiving drive to LA, and one about the first week of work. Not in that order of course..but we shall see if it ever gets posted. and damn it - cw, is supposed to put something up but then again he is busy ;)

pumping

2009-12-08T11:05:00.000-08:00

as you can see, i am trying to reconfigure the site, and as it stands right now - i dont like the looks of it, but i have no time to snazz it up. ok, im lazy, sorry. anyways, supposedly there will be a post up soon by the other author on this site. you may remember him? he is the other culprit of jax's existence and he had a couple of posts here long long ago bk (before kid) when i was just prego.

anyway, i wanted to share my pumping arsenal and schedule. that is, when i remember to pump. wait, how do i not remember right? believe me, my boobs give me hell when i procrastinate too long, but at work, i even forget to eat sometimes! tsk tsk, i know. and its not cause i get caught up on such important matters, but again its partly cause im lazy. eh, im even too lazy to explain it right now..anywayszzz..

My arsenal:
1. Medela Freestyle pump. Its a pump that my work kindly bought me. I had a different pump that worked just as well from my cousin, a pump in style, that already comes in a bag. but this freestyle one is compact and is more travel friendly.
2. at least 2 bottles and a dozen or so storage bags
3. magazines - this is pretty essential since, im pumping for at least 15 minutes but then i get anxious since hello - im still doing it in the private bathroom. thats sounds dirty in so many levels.

damn it, well, i would have more to post but work is actually demanding me to, well, work.

more to come..and hopefully, cw will put up a proper post when he has time today.

oh but if you are interested in some milk production others are doing, i stumbled on this site. although, his kid is now 6 years old, but they seemed pretty thorough on how they set up their milk supply and the trials and error of said production. check it out.

The End

2009-12-01T18:42:00.000-08:00

i knew this day would come, the dreaded end of my maternity leave. before i even had a taste of what motherhood would be like, i had my ideas of maternity leave and the first 3 months of taking care of a newborn. my major complaint was, that, when i would return to work, id miss out on all the good stuff. like the baby smiling, "talking", and so forth. and that, harsh as it sounds, during the first three months, what i would be getting in comparison to what charlie would be getting when he became the primary care giver, would be the short end of the stick. and the result of which would have me resent charlie for getting all the fun and "easy" stuff.

well, just in the past 10 days during our trip to LA, jax has grown so much and in so many ways, that i didnt miss out on any of the smiling, "talking" and most of the fun stuff. so maybe it wasnt the short end of the stick after all. sure, i still felt at times like i was the one doing most of the heavy lifting, but then again, I am the one with the boobs. and when i say heavy lifting, i mostly mean the sleep deprivation, the late night feedings or 4 am diaper changes and house arrest (okay, that last bit was stretch. but only by a bit) . but yes, of course its all worth it. so, my complaints aside, i was there when he reached milestones. like, when he first really smiled, or when i could hold a somewhat one sided conversation with him, or the time i realized the noise he was making, while asleep, was him actually laughing, out loud. i was there for all of that and so much more.

you might wonder what has little jax of only 11 weeks done lately? well, when we were in LA, he learned to self soothe, sleep thru the night UNSWADDLED, and even go down for a nap without being held. he was growing up right before my eyes, that the clothes i packed for him didnt end up fitting anymore. i know i may not be there for all his firsts, but ill be there for the second or third and so on.. And thats something i have to accept and more importantly, forgive myself for going back to work, and missing out.

so tomorrow is d day. its a mixed bag. but one things for sure, i know my baby will be in good hands and for that, i am grateful.

for amy

2009-11-16T21:59:00.000-08:00

penny lent us her bumbo to try out on jax (thanks penny!) and, so far so good (until he puked from the excitement) and here's a lil video:

two months

2009-11-13T18:03:00.001-08:00

well, today would have been a great day if it werent for the well baby visit with shots involved PLUS cw suffering from a major allergy attack that started late last night/early morning...

though im happy to report that jax is now 11lbs 9.8 oz, and 23.5 ins long. his head stayed relatively the same. dont know if thats good or bad. we also decided on only 2 shots (traditionally, it would have been at least 4) - DTap (diptheria, tetanus, and pertussis or whooping cough) and PCV (pneumococcal conjugate, for "protection" against the bacterium of serious infections, including pneumonia, blood infections, and bacterial meningitis). we are delaying Hep B as well as the HIB and Polio vaccines and opted NOT to even do the rotovirus (whic is an oral vaccine), since jax isnt in day care and wont be, so exposure rate is low. contracting it would actually not kill him but would definitely not be great (its a virus that affects your tummy so vomiting and a fever would occur) but all in all, he would survive.

jax did well. he did cry, but once he was in our arms he calmed down and was all sleepy. he even fell and stayed asleep while I was wearing him. ME?! he usually will conk out with cw but never with me.

cw is probably doing worse than jax is at this point and because of it we decided to buy an air purifier and after cleaning windows - we may opt to buy a dehumidifier as well, since i notice condensation every morning which can lead to mold issues. im less sensitive and dont suffer from serious allergies (although my mom did and i know how it is or at least what it looks like - not fun), but right now, even i have itchy eyes and am not feeling 100% either.

okay, time for me to tend to my boys:

penny for your thoughts

2009-11-11T12:42:00.000-08:00

went for a lunch/play date with penny but unfortunately jax wasnt turning up the charms, but hes learning. the day before this visit we had gone to see another one of our new parent friends who has a 4 week old boy named jasper, and we were like - wow, hes so much smaller than jax. and now seeing jax next to penny - WOW, he is so much smaller. the last time we saw penny was when she was 5 weeks old and now shes 7/8 months old! and she is even cuter and cuddlier in person. penny seemed very intrigued by my small lil guy, but since jax really couldnt do much, she tired of him easily. theres a video but you hear the moms in the background talk about pumping and the adjustment to a work schedule and so on and so forth - kinda boring stuff...unless you find that stuff interesting. but i hate my voice so until i can edit that portion out, these photos will have to do. thanks dawn for lunch and the company! i cant wait for jax to get older so they can interact with each other more.

i am so thankful that there are other mamas out there that i can look to and ask advice from and know that im not alone, that i am understood even if i talk crazy sometimes. its pretty cool to have friends all becoming parents and around the same time. its also a little weird, because not that long ago, we all partied and partied hard!

2009-11-05T17:04:00.001-08:00

i try and report on things but then i end up not posting on them for fear of jinxing it and then jax will do the opposite or stop doing it completely..but anyway, here is a video for your viewing pleasure.

Jax @ 7 weeks from Cherlyn Licas on Vimeo.

Afterbirth

2009-11-01T20:32:00.000-08:00

and now a reader's questions:

1. What made you realize you were in "real" labor?

my memory is still fuzzy but to tell you the truth, i really didnt know that it was IT until the midwives came and the contractions were barrelling thru me. probably around the time when my eyes stayed permanently rolled back into my head..and looking back on it, as if i was rolling...ahem, if you know what i mean, just without the warm fuzzy feelings but with that out of this world kind of feeling? hard to explain. but i did kind of feel high.

2. How did you get yourself through the toughest contractions?

physically - having cw be there for me to mutilate, i mean, lean on in any manner. making those groaning/moaning/grunting sounds that is typical in all those birth videos also helped. having a midwife guide me and cheer me on. and visually? pamela anderson. her jogging on the beach with her plastic boobs wearing her baywatch red one piece running towards the camera (cause you know i see everything as if it is a movie) and with the wind in her hair, stopping and saying, yes cherlyn I did it. I pushed thru all the pain. I managed to do it. TWICE (putting up her two fingers like a peace sign). all natural. at HOME. ME (points to herself) - PAMELA FUCKING ANDERSON. - yeah, thats really what flashed in my head when i was at the breaking point of thinking of calling it quits, or wimping out. and also, at one point, eyes rolled back into my skull, i talked to my mom.

3. What was your emotional state throughout the labor like?

again, fuzzy with remembering the emotions (and pain) stuff. i was pretty much on auto pilot (and kinda high, like out of it). i lot of people were telling me that it may bring up harsh issues from my past especially if i havent dealt with it and even if i had it may trigger unnerving feelings. but that didnt happen at all for me. i was just focused on doing the job of getting jax out. i mean into this beautiful world of ours.

4. Did it help to have more than just Charles around? How many people were there?

i hadnt really paid attention because i was so focused that i wasnt that aware of people per se. after the fact, yes. it helped because i got to share something with people i loved. i believe it also helped charlie. at the actual birth birth part - there was a total of 7 people attending, 8 if you count me, and 9 if you count my mom, oh and 10 when you count jax. wow, that would have been a (corny) joke my mom would have said. :)

5. How much of the labor was spent in the tub?

ha! only about 30 minutes. the water never got hot enough for me to find comfort in it. i spent most of the time in the bathroom, sitting on the toilet. not using it, just in that sitting position and also found great comfort taking hot showers.

6. What made labor easier?

ha! easier? hmmm...more comfortable - definitely being able to move around and use different positions. having charlie to batter and bleed, pull and tug and just hug me. having all my midwives (they took turns though, there was another woman in labor) be there to talk to me, comfort me every step of the way. never once did i feel scared or think i was going to die. and also knowing that charlies mom and amy were around, even if i couldnt see them, i felt their presence. that all these people were here. for me. for jax.

7. What made it harder?

expecting it to go as i wanted = quick and easy. ha. anyway, yeah, expectations, anticipating if this part was the transition part and this and that or the other..asking myself constantly - how much longer? did i hit the wall yet? are we there yet? etc.

8. How would you describe what crowning/the end stages feel like?

like johnny cash sang - love is a burning thing, and it makes a fiery ring, and so on. it burned. it was like hot. it was a tearing hot feeling. but my body couldnt stop, even if i wanted it to. it just really wanted to keep on pushin. when the midwife told me to feel down there - whoa, theres this hard furry thing. wait, thats a head! or the top part at least. at this point, i remember her saying to hold it there. i was like - excuse me? you want me to what now? um, yeah, no i dont think so. (like that time she asked me NOT to push even though thats all i wanted to do)..but hold it i did and then a couple more pushes later - boom the entire head and then a pause and then one big giant push (as i saw later from the video) and relief. what i felt was utter relief no just mentally and emotionally, but physically. like, ahhh, breath out relief. oh and a big gush of stuff coming out. and then they handed him to me. this squirmy crying being all slipper and warm and mine. it was amazing. and it was like that for awhile, just holding him. and then it got a bit weird for me, not really weird but like you know - how an uncomfortable long silence is? because i was thinking, ok you all have been staring at me for way too long now (just staring), is there something else we should be doing now? i think i may have even said = uh, so um, can charlie cut the cord? and then boom back into the pace of hey theres a birth goin on here...then after that though, i still had to birth the placenta. and that in itself had contractions. then the midwives push (hard) on your stomach and check your insides. and then just like that no more hard belly. weird.

9. Were any of your preconceived notions about birth changed?

no, not really. actually, yes. that i could do it. that i did do it. and i got to do it at home.

10. What did you do with the tub water!?

well, since i didnt birth in it, it was fine. when i was actually getting checked out and stitched up, (yes, i tore a wee bit. 3 stitches. not that i really needed it they said, but since we have so many stairs it was best to stitch me up to heal faster) charlie and jax went in the tub and put it to some use. a couple of days later charlie drained it outside our complex's surroundings...

11. Do you think your birth plan, and deciding to have Jax at home, made birth a better process for everyone?

yes, definitely. on the home birth. the birth plan, eh...after it was written, that was the last time it was ever spoken of or even thought about.

12. Did you yell and scream and stuff?

fuck yeah i did. and theres a video to prove it. to this day, i can only watch it on mute. i will post it when i finish editing (replacing the screams with a mellow, no enya, soundtrack). but i will also post the original version too. i think. its embarrassing. its the one thing i would do over. oh and i never once had music playing...i was a bit too busy to notice or care or ask for it. even though i made a "for labor" station on pandora.

and now for some graphic images:

a bit graphic, no? check out cw's look. i think he had done a double take, hence the weird movement in the picture. apparently, i had a really long cord. long enough to be able to place jax up on my shoulder. yes, i kept the placenta. its still in my freezer. but thats another post..oh and yeah, i didnt have any pics of the actual popping out of the kid, sorry. but video to come soon.

sleepless in oakland

2009-10-28T10:29:00.000-07:00

right now i should be enjoying my one hour uninterrupted nap, since i asked cw to please take the baby. and i said that endearingly, really i did. but unfortunately the stupid ghetto birds are flyin up above and making a whole hullabaloo like a crazy crack fiend looking for their next fix.

so, ive been quite cranky lately, which cw can attest to. we've even gotten into a few arguments. and it all boils down to this = im a mother. and being a mother, you cant turn it off. not to say you can turn off being a father but, there are certain perks a father enjoys that a breast feeding mother cant. so, in order to not be under attack from a cranky partner (me). i thought id make a list for a go to remedy of my crankiness. but you see, if he had read those parenting books i got a long time ago, he would have found a few tips before ever needing any type of solution. sure we're all in this together, right? and by together i mean you should suffer from lack of sleep just as much as i am. im kidding. ok, no not really. ive heard from other mothers, okay i read it in their blogs. what helps them so here are suggestions to other new parents if you so need some solutions:

it would be nice if you could do this for your partner (like me!) ever so often, so that she doesnt go crazy on you, the baby and your relationship: give her at least 1-3 hours "off" at least once a day, or even twice a week (or more would be great). so that she has time to and for herself for whatever she wants. that's it. its that simple. how do you do this is up to you. here are my suggestions:

1. pay attention to your baby's fussiness during the night and get up to tend to him or her. be the one to change his diaper - even if its 2 am and if your wife pumped, then let it be your turn to feed the baby, rock them back to sleep, and place them back to bed.
2. pay attention to your wife's fussiness. if she is extra cranky, take initiative and tend to the baby without being asked to. hang out with your baby without mommy for up to 3 hours, especially if the baby has nursed already. go for a walk, or just another room. just let her have some time to herself.
3. surprise her - with anything: a clean bathroom, or a clean kitchen, or all the dishes clean, a tidy living room, or bringing home take out for dinner. or simply when you get home, taking the baby from her.

remember she can't take a day off like you can or go out and do the things you do on a regular basis. even when you give her these precious few hours to herself, she is still thinking and perhaps worrying about the baby and its only naturally that even sometimes, after only an hour has passed - she wants to take the baby in her arms and snuggle and chomp on his cheeks..i mean you know, love him.

its nice when cw purposely asks to be cut early so he can come home and hang out with us, or when he puts aside his other commitments to stay an extra hour or two at home before he has to go to work just so we can all hang out or so i can eat. its the little things...i love you cw, and i know you are doing your best because you are the best. its all new to the both of us including lil jax and it just takes time to get into the groove of things.

okay my hour is up.

Birth Story part 1

2009-10-20T13:00:00.000-07:00

Finally right? well i have a bit of time to myself cause cw has jax and im also trying to ignore his whimpering and fussing and just letting cw figure it out and handle it. since hes gonna have to figure it out sooner or later how to handle all thats required when you are taking care of a baby all by yourself because come december its his turn to be the stay at home parent.

so trying to recollect what had transpired on the eventful day/days when jax was born is sort of difficult for two reasons - one, cause well you really do forget, perhaps to fool you into thinking you can do it all over again in a jiffy, because it really wasnt that bad. second, i kind of feel like i could have done better...i know, crazy right? not that i failed or anything but that i could have been better? my midwives have asked me a few times how i felt about the birth now that its all over and done with and i always answer with a shrug. sort of embarrassed to say what i truly am afraid of - that i didnt do so well. that they think i didnt do so well. i know - that is completely crazy..so anyway..i know thats just all in my head because how can something like that go perfect. how can something like that be anything but empowering. i know, im just retarded and being a debbie downer. what could i have done to have the way it was be better? nothing. even the doubt that i experienced during it, is completely normal and actually to be expected. if i hadnt taken a birth class, that doubt i had would have scared me to pieces and i may not have done as well as i did because the birth class taught me that - that doubt is part of the process. doubting that i cant do this thing that women have been doing, well since the human race has existed, is a sign that, im almost to the finish line.

On wednesday, i went into work for a meeting and did some work at home. on thursday, amy, roz and i went to russian river (i loved swimming when i was pregnant- and no, thats a root beer..but some people drink a bit of alcohol to sort of induce labor~!?) and on friday sept. 11 starting at 5 am i started to feel cramps - like semi intense menstrual cramps. these were more intense then what i had felt in the earlier weeks, to the point that it had me wonder. that and the fact that we were one day away from the due date. but in the back or rather in the front of my mind i didnt think it was anything to consider because my midwife had said he hadnt even dropped into the pelvis and once that happened it could be 2 days to 10 days before his birth. i walked it off and tried to sleep it off but i would wake up when they would return - a sign that it could be something..but not the thing? i really didnt know. i got up around 9ish with cw as he prepared to go to work and i told him, im feeling a bit crampy. he went off to work around 11ish and the cramps continued. they started to pick up around 1 to the point that i thought i should at least start looking up if this is early labor or what. then i started to time it using this contraction master (which is also available as an app on an iphone). it was still pretty erratic but not really and it was at every 7 mins and then it hit pretty steadily to every 5 minutes (typically, when they are 5 mins apart, last 1 min and last for an hour,this is called the ol' 5-1-1 and they want you to go to the hospital, but since i was having a home birth - well, i was already where i should be. ) . by this time i had texted my midwife and she was elated but still said to hang in there. i dont think she even believed it to be the real thing. my midwife ended up being able to stop by and check on me and my vajayjay and i was 1 cm dilated but my cervix was definitely softer and pliable and farther back then a week before. but even then i still think she wasnt too sure. i asked her, so when should i call you - to which she replied - if they come every 3 minutes, last 1 minute and go on for 1 hour, so 3-1-1 - then call me.

at this point, the new birth tub we got hadnt been put together since the other one we had leaked because we just got it that day! and cw was at work. yes, why did he go to work in the first place? i dont know..he didnt believe it himself i guess that soon we were having a baby. oh and my water never broke. its not like in the movies where you water breaks so you know its the real deal (only 5-10% of womens water break) and then you turn to the dad to be and say - honey, its time...yeah, it doesnt work that way, at least it didnt for me. around 5 i texted cw and said, any chance you can come home sooner? - cause if i waited for him to get off at his normal time, he would be home a little past midnight. turned out i didnt need the birth tub anyway - i found comfort in our shower more. the temperature of the birth tub was never hot enough for me to find comfort in it. i spent maybe half and hour in the tub and didnt know what to do with myself when i was pushing thru a contraction. i really think it had something to do with the temperature.

cw did leave work early and when he arrived, i could hear him rush up the steps and tell the neighbors with gusto - i think we're on! this was around 6ish in the evening of sept. 11th and he went quickly to work on putting the tub together, while timing my contractions. we soon got to the 3-1-1 and called our midwives. cw's mom came around 9 or 10 as did my friend amy - at this point i had lost all track of time and was completely enveloped in LABOR and my contractions and lost track of people coming and going. i think my eyes had rolled to the back of my skull and kind of stayed that way throughout.

apparently there was a thunderstorm going on, complete with amazing lightning shows. cws mom and amy had been hoping and crossing their fingers that jax wouldn't make his appearance until after midnight so as not have his birthday be on sept. 11th. most if not all of my laboring took place in the bathroom, with me sitting on the toilet because this was the most comfortable position for me. i didnt think about it afterward, but there i was in the bathroom for hours and hours - not allowing others to use it if they needed to. oh and since i was strep b positive, i had to have an iv of antibiotics put in me during active labor. so the midwives attempted to do so, and attempted to do so several times with no success of getting a vein. i was poked several times and didnt mind it one bit - i was fully concentrating on my contractions to even be bothered by the poking. i remember them asking me if i wanted to go to the hospital to get this going. i said no immediately since i knew once i was there, i would go thru the hospital system and have the baby. by this time i was exhausted, cw was exhausted.

our midwives had us try and rest - yeah, me? rest? how? well, between contractions. at this point, not knowing how much time had passed, i thought to myself - how much longer..i really cant do this anymore..have i hit the wall? when and where is transition? and then i kept thinking - man, if i had said yes to the hospital this would probably be over by now, i would have my baby. and man, i really do understand why women get the epidural. this is where i started to feel like i couldnt do it. i couldnt do this anymore. by this time we were back in the bedroom, me on all fours on our bed with cw passed out on one side and one of my midwives sitting on a chair on the other (they took turns too, one would sleep and one would keep watch). apparently i did get some rest, thats what my midwife told me anyway- i probably was snoring! anyway, like i said i really started to doubt myself and wanted to have it be over with. this is where pamela anderson popped into my head. yes, plastic busted, baywatch babe married to tommy lee and had a sex tape pamela anderson. where i thought - if pamela anderson can do this (she had birthed her kids at home) you better believe you can do it cherlyn. dont wimp out now. PAMELA ANDERSON DID THIS TOO. YES YOU CAN DO IT. PAMELA ANDERSON! fucking pamela anderson did this, you really want to wimp out now?

well..ill have to write the rest of it another day..gotta get back to the baby!!! will answer some reader questions too - and if you have any questions - leave a comment!

*sorry if it all doesnt make sense, its kind of hard to get all typed up when you can hear your baby whimpering and starting to cry and then your boob starts leaking!

really?

2009-10-12T14:10:00.000-07:00

yes, i still havent posted my birth story but with help from another blogger i have a really good start on it. anyway, as i sit here typing with one hand and trying to get jax to not only nap but to stay napped for at lest an hour. ok, ill be satisfied with a measly 30 mins. i was looking at some youtube videos - hey man you have to keep yourself entertained when the kid practically nurses ALL the time and there is only so much of my singing the baby can take. luckily he cant call cps to say ive been torturing him with my motown renditions. anyways, there was this one video of a filipino mother and son - 2 mos. old and theyre conversing in tagalog - its cute. and one of the comments was - she isnt speaking english how is it supposed to understand?

yeah...

so..jax is one month old today and if i am able to put him down for a bit i could take and post a new picture...i'll update this when cw gets home - hopefully.

Daily 10

2009-10-04T20:37:00.000-07:00

I have been meaning to write my birth story, yes i know i keep promising..but i havent gotten the chance nor the time to put it all together. i actually had started writing it in my head and even thought of a great post to put up (it happened last night and it was really good but i was in the middle of nursing so..yeah. it feels like i am always in the middle of nursing) on my regular blog and i told myself to retain as much of it as i could remember. unfortunately i couldnt remember anything now that i have the time and the chance to.

anyway..daily 10 - 10 new or old things, random or not or whatever - yes its just cause i needed to post something, right amy?

1. people with desk jobs who think they multitask - have no idea what they are talking about. not until they have tried to breastfeed a newborn in one hand, while putting on your clothes, using the bathroom, making yourself breakfast or lunch and read the news/watch tv while trying to scarf down the food you just made in enough time without disturbing the baby. also, i have gotten pretty good at typing with one hand when necessary.
2. i now watch tv shows online or on my phone and keep up with people thru facebook mobile.
3. sleep: we were once napping and i thought i heard something outside and downstairs to which i thought - is someone breaking in? then quickly thought - i dont care. right now jax is sleeping, so i am sleeping before he decides it is no longer nap time (and i had just fed him and put him down!)
4. jax always gets me at his pretend naps. he will be out like a rock in my arms after nursing. a little rocking action before putting him down and yay, hes asleep. for like 10 minutes...no, hes asleep again..wait no, hes not, wait, YES! nope now hes angry and he wants more boob?? we go at this for awhile then he spits up, then wants more and then he is finally asleep and then i just lay there staring at how cute he is rather than sleeping - damn it, he got me. i love this kid, but im biased.
5. my outfits have consisted of just wearing my nursing bra and yoga pants and putting my hair in a ponytail. and to think, i used to consider myself a fashionista of sorts.
6. when i get the time to shower, i try and pack in some yoga and belly dance techniques - this is my fitness routine at the moment.
7. i still look as if im about 4 months pregnant.
8. i drink an awful amount of water. and im not usually a water drinker.
9. jax is finally asleep for a long bit! so im able to type with both hands.
10. and on that note, i think i should eat something, using both hands!

one week old, one week postpartum

2009-09-19T16:32:00.001-07:00

(this was something i had been working on to post a few days back, and *today i just got around to finishing it. sort of)

baby - 1 week old (*now he's 12 days old)- jax is such a cute little bugger (and yes some would say i am biased) so it's really difficult to set him down when he's passed out and get to writing on the blog again. *but i have been trying to since i dont want him to get used to always being held and only know to sleep in that manner. for the past 4 nights it has been great, he is finally sleeping thru the night (which only means 5 hours straight before a feeding) we usually go to bed around 11. he wimpers around 2 am (since he knows he eats every 3 hours) but can soothe himself back to sleep and then around 4 he gets a bit of boob and back to sleep again for another 3 hours..and knock on wood, its still happening that way. before, during the day was the only time he was conked out and at night he would pass out for about an hour and become fussy once you laid him down. cw's mom has been here since his birth to help out around the house (really she does it all while i pay attention to baby and me) and allow me to heal and take a break when i need to, which has been a blessing, but if anyone knew me - they would be astonished at how i am doing with someone else around doing things for me, because as people who know me well, know im a loner type and well, like to do things by my own self and am stubborn about it. but then again i am the type to not ask for help when help is needed. i know if she wasnt around i wouldnt have healed as fast as i have been. im starting to feel like my old self - well kind of, old self is not really the right use of words. starting to feel the non pregnant me and feeling as if my body is getting to know this new phase of itself. anyway, i started calling the two of them as cw squared (amy actually coined the term) because they are so alike in many ways but then again different too. cw has become very protective of me in the days after the birth. i told him id like him to write his version of the birth here and hopefully soon he will. i know i need to get it down too before i forget.

me - 1 week postpartum - a couple with a 20 month old and expecting their 2nd child commented on how i seem so calm and collected in comparison to what they remember when they first had their son. Funny, a couple of days before jax was born a friend of cw's said that i was the most relaxed pregnant woman she had ever seen given the fact that i could go into labor any day now...and you all know i did. *ive always wanted kids. ive always thought i would be a mother. i havent freaked out quite yet but i am enjoying every moment of it. it weirds me out still cause to think that one year ago today, well i wasnt even pregnant and just getting the hang of a stable relationship. its been a whirlwind i tell ya and im still whirling..

so yeah, baby blues is often talked about during these first few weeks and months especially when your milk comes in and if more serious could extend into postpartum depression. And of course, i have a family history of depression, so i would be more prone to suffering from it. I dont have any of the baby blues, i do however when the thought crawls in - think of my mother and i can cry uncontrollably for a bit. when i look down at jax after a feeding and he smiles or even laughs - i say, my mom is playing with you isnt she? and it breaks my heart and as i write this tears are streaming down my face. it hurts to say the least. sometimes i think to myself - if she had waited..and so on and so forth. not really angry but i dont know just empty i suppose. i also feel partly guilty. like i said cw's mom has been here and of course was here for the birth. and all that she has done and been able to do and see. and so i think of my own mother - how she wont ever get to experience any of it. and i know one of the last things we had a little spat about was the fact that i didnt ask her to be present at the birth. and now, knowing it all would i have changed my mind and asked her to be present at the birth? probably not, my reasoning is still the same, but its not to say that i never wanted her to be around. to tell you the truth though, looking back at the birth i really had no clue what i needed and would have needed or wanted so yeah it would have been great for her to be there but i dont think she would have been able to handle the sight of me in that state and would have worried too much and probably wanted me to go to the hospital or try to alleviate the pain in anyway possible. *a couple of days ago, as cw was preparing to leave for work i started to cry. i didnt want him to leave. i just got all emotional and he was like you want to talk about it. but sometimes the tears are just there and there really arent any words to go along with it. i love jax, i love my new family - i just wish that my mom was here to share it all with me. if only she held out longer, maybe it would have changed her mind about her life. when it all happened - her suicide and the circus that erupted afterward, part of me didnt feel or couldnt feel anything anymore. i guess i didnt know what to do with all those feelings except to set them aside since i had to be in control and take care of things and now after baby jax, all these emotions fueled by my hormones have definitely come out to play. anyway..and to top all of this off, my best friend amy is moving to colorado for a long while and maybe for good. we both havent talked about it and its happening like NOW, her last visit is this sunday :( - again, bottling it up so we dont breakdown crying but i am so glad she was there for the birth and she has been there for me in all my milestones. now, ill just have to send her pictures and updates of jax's milestones. and really, what is up with people wanting to move to colorado? aren't they having a snow storm? you know, its nice and sunny and cool in oakland where we live.

Welcome Jax!

2009-09-14T12:12:00.001-07:00

well, considering I am such a slacker and am often running late, we were all surprised that Jax came into this world right on schedule at exactly his estimated due date of September 12th 2009.

We welcomed Jackson "Jax" Charles Wagner, @ 7.5lbs, 20 inches born on Saturday @ 10:30 am in the comfort of our home. I apparently labored thru an unexpected and boisterous thunderstorm, since you know i was busy, I hadn't even noticed.

We are resting and in good health. Thank you to everyone who lent there support and sent their prayers and well wishes. I will try and post the birth story soon. I just hope I can remember it all!

romantic notions of breastfeeding

2009-09-07T12:38:00.000-07:00

so, as i was eating my breakfast i tuned in to watch a bit of 16 and pregnant, life after labor with dr. drew. (yes, i know, i know - but seriously there was nothing else on at the time) and what appalled me was dr. drew not encouraging breastfeeding. an audience member asked the young women why they chose not to breastfeed. and they gave answers such as - well i tried for a week or it just hurt, your engorged and leaking...to which dr. drew was excited to say - yes, its hard. its not like the romantic notion of breastfeeding everyone has in their heads. and while he said this, he made some sort of weird and creepy facial expression and threw out his finger quotes on top of it for the quote unquote, romantic notion part. he stated it hurts and that you also have to have a cooperative baby. it was like he was saying - formula is best because you really want to save your breasts. its just too hard, so why bother? he never mentions any of the benefits of breastfeeding and never asks the young women if they received any support or lactation consulting. of course, he doesnt even have breasts himself, just nipples for decoration..so there you go. but i know it is difficult. my mom never breastfeed but i also dont think she was ever encouraged to. so not being able to breastfeed (like never having a supply) is one of my fears or that it will be too hard and ill be discouraged but i hope not to be. our midwives are also lactation consultants, which is another reason why we chose them.

anyways, okay i should get ready - heading out to the city to meet up with cw's friends who are visiting from denver AND also expecting a baby girl early next year. and yes, i will get off my lazy ass and post some pictures up - tomorrow, no really - i will...try.

oh yeah and DUDE - FIVE, count em - on one hand no less - FIVE DAYS till my edd...and i really doubt he will arrive on that day but i cant believe that elusive day is almost here. i cant believe it has been 10 months..and you know what? my hair has not grown one bit. its still at that same length when i was like 9 weeks pregnant and had a haircut!!! oh and my belly button is sort of still intact. i suppose i have a very very deep innie, so it probably wont ever pop out. i have a lot of discoloration under my arms and my neck and a LOT of skin tags..no stretchmarks though (great, i think i might have just jinxed myself) except a wee bit on the tops of my thighs that just appeared a few weeks ago. and my tattoo is fine. thank god! oh and um, gulp - i gained a total of 50 lbs.

well..

2009-08-31T19:26:00.000-07:00

we had a midwife appointment last friday in which my midwife was concerned and so today she stopped by to check up on baby wagner. little choo choo chugged away at his normal but high 160 bpm, and then within seconds it became elevated and jumped passed 200 bpm. like he had done the last visit which caused our midwife's concern and interest. today she said, make an appointment with kaiser and dont stress over it but obviously it sounds worrisome when i am saying go to kaiser and get checked on. but she said because we want to achieve a home birth, we want to err on the side of caution. so, i will be strapped to one of these doo hickeys above and they will monitor the baby for at least an hour. she fully expects kaiser to be all - your midwife is being silly, everything is fine...and i really hope that is the case.

I tried to get an appointment online, which is the nice thing about kaiser (probably about the only thing) - you have access to your records and can schedule and email your dr. all online. it kept giving me appointments with other doctors i had or apparently have but never my ob. so i call member services and schedule an appointment. the woman couldnt pronounce my ob's name and kept spelling it out instead - oh-gee-a-double u-a, while i'm saying- ogawa after she does this, and yet she continues spelling it out. anyway, she says there aren't any immediate appointments available and she will have to write an email to the office. i can hear her type away frantically then says they will contact me within 2 business days. i do have an already scheduled appointment with kaiser on the 8th so...but then my midwife calls me to check up and see what kaiser said and i told her - well, they haven't gotten me an appointment. so she tells me - if you dont get one tomorrow, i want you go into the er. of course, now im stressed.

so by this time, im a little on edge and i get online and this time i click urgent appointment - and got an appointment with my ob for 10 am tomorrow. i also asked cw to be there with me, luckily he has the later shift and will rearrange his other obligations that morning.

i hope it all goes well. i'll keep you updated.